Fear Vs Freedom...

Today started like any other day. I got ready for work in a daze, told them I loved them and then kissed my girlfriend and baby boy goodbye; took the bus to the train station, and stood packed in the train carriage for my 35minute commute into central London. I then walked to the tube station, and waited for my tube to take me to the office.

The tube was busier than usual. Standing room only for my entire journey. People from all over the world, of all shapes and sizes, genders and ages. No hierarchy. Just people on the way to work.
 People keep themselves to themselves on the tube. No eye contact. No communication. It’s rare for people to even acknowledge one another. All consumed by our iPods, smart phones, tablets, newspapers and magazine.

However today, my senses were heightened once again, due to the breaking news coming out of Brussels, which I was alerted to via social media.

I looked around me at my fellow commuters, and there seemed to be more people looking up from their smarts phones, and looking around today. I caught eye contact with more people than normal. People like me must have been alerted by the news, and started scanning the tube to check out the people around them. We acknowledged each other, with the understanding of why we were looking around.

Brussels Attack

Since the 7/7 attacks, our sense of vigilance as Londoners is always quite high, we have suffered before and unfortunately it does seem that it is only a matter of time before we suffer again. The breaking news from Brussels, shows how our security is always at risk. An explosion at a metro station, as well as in a public area of an airport, shows that our safety in the western world is always under threat.

As people, we need to be ready and prepared for anything which may potentially happen. Of course, as members of the public, we do not have the Hollywood movie capabilities to bring down the terrorists, but what we do have is the capabilities to help those people who are out to stop the risks. We need to be aware of people around us and should the worst happen, we need to stay as calm as possible in order to help with the evacuation and subsequent operation by emergency services.

Back in November, in Paris, the suicide bombers attacked people doing everyday things. Eating in restaurants, attending a concert, watching the football. In Brussels, it appears they have attacked commuters. It is clear that our western way of life is now the way that the terrorists will attack. We are a soft target, and there is a limit to what the security services can do. 

The Facebook Safety Check App

The clear concern, is that we have no idea how many of these terrorists are now in Europe. I fear that we are being naïve to the fact for how many people want to attack our way of life. Additionally, that the security services have no idea of how many and who these people are. They are hiding in plain sight. Security in London is always monitored, but should something happen here, how would we react?

People - probably on their way to work, have died today, because terrorists wanted to make a statement and attack the west. For those poor people, today their family and friends are frantically trying to source information. When Paris was attacked, Facebook launched their Safety Check app, which allowed people to inform their networks, that they were safe. I hope this app in place for Brussels today.

We are in an age where the 24hour rolling news channels do not help but increase the fear and anxiety amongst the public. The coverage and intimacy that these events are now covered, really aid the terrorists in spreading the fear. But as much as I agree that people need to know what was happening, but my opinion is that there should be some limitations. 

But we can’t let the fear of something which may potentially happen, stop us from having our freedom to do the things that we do on a daily basis. If we stop doing what we need to do, then the terrorists win.

People will no doubt start to post online, why are are covering this attack more than attacks in other part of the world? Why did we change our Facebook profile pics to have the French flag on them, to show solidarity with the people of Paris, when we didn’t for the attacks in Turkey or the Ivory Coast? I think this literally comes down to how close Paris and Brussels are to London. Simple as that. We can relate more to those cities. However my thoughts go out to innocent people around the world who get caught up in these atrocities. 

   

I am not political, but i cant help but think this will effect votes in the EU referendum later this summer, where Britain will decide whether to stay or leave the EU. I hate that we live in these times. I hate that my son will inherit the world with such hatred and fear.

But  we cannot let the terrorists win. Live  your life. Do not let the fear effect your freedom. 

RIP to those who have lost their lives today.

Lightning Could Strike..

It is weird how as people, our lives can be so effected by someone else.

Whether it be the love of your life sweeping you off of your feet, the birth of your child instantly maturing you, someone doing you a kind deed, or even something such as someone’s creativity or talent moving you emotionally.

We all have impacts on those around us. Even if we do not necessarily realise that we do.

Pieces of music, a singer’s voice, a piece of cinema, acting in television, film or stage, an artist’s vision, or even sporting brilliance can absolutely captivate you. For me, it is music and film.

The emotions that one can feel when they are attached to something creative like these forms of entertainment can range so much, you can be elevated up to the highest level, or crushed all in something you have observed.

I can be taken away somewhere by a great film, or a piece of music/certain song can just change my emotions completely. As a man approaching his 33^rd birthday, I feel more emotion towards certain songs and movies now, than I ever have.

The other night, Meet Joe Black was on television. A film I must have seen ten times or more. Each and every time, there are certain scenes, where the score absolutely breaks me. The soundtrack removes me from watching the film, removes me from real life, and instead plays out emotions in my own movie in my thought process.

In the film, Death who has taken the form of a young man (Brad Pitt), who falls in love with the daughter (Claire Forlani) of the man he has asked to show and teach him about life (Anthony Hopkins). Earlier in the film, we see the young man and the daughter meet in the coffee shop, with a clear chemistry between the two. There is a clear dilemma at the goodbye. We see them both repeatedly looking over their shoulder and spinning on their heels, both wanting but reluctant to go back to the other to confront the emotions they feel. All before going their separate ways, which leads to him being hit by a car before Death takes his body. (Apologies for the spoiler, but the film is nearly twenty years old – so I am assuming you have seen it already!) 

We have all had similar dilemmas in our lives. It those crossroads moments in life. Go one way and life goes in a certain direction, go the other way and life goes completely the opposite. It is the choices we make when we encounter these crossroads, which can define the rest of our life. For me this film, this music reminds me of my crossroads in my past, which have led me to where I am now.

It perfectly captures the essence of the story that it is telling somehow. The love, the fear and the pain. We have all been in love, and we have all been bereaved. Somehow both things come to mind when I hear this. 

I think of my girlfriend. That if I hadn’t have spoken to her that day at the train station in London, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and my beautiful son wouldn’t be here 8 years later. I think of my past loves. I think of the impact each have had on my life and the road that my life has travelled down. For example, if one of my exes hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have ended up going to university. I wouldn’t have met by best friend etc. Her action lead to my immediate reaction to remove myself from that place in my life. It was a crossroads moment.

In the same breath, that one piece of music, makes me think of the people who are no longer with us. I mostly think of both of my Grandparents. I wish they had been in my life longer. I wish they would have seen the man that I grew up to be.  My grandmothers were beautiful, hardworking, proud, determined, family women. They gave everything to raise their family and protect their loved ones.  My grandfathers worked to the bone, had great humour, kindness, generosity and were perfect gentlemen. These are the qualities I want to inherit and teach my son. The character played by Anthony Hopkins, who is tasked with showing Death life on earth,  is everything you would expect a proud family man to be. He wants to know he has done his best and that his family will be ok without him. He wants to use his crossroads to take the time to be with those around him.

I see the same qualities in Hopkins character, as I do in my own father. I know he is soon to be approaching a crossroads in terms of his treatment for his illness. He is eagerly trying to ensure that everything is sorted for the rest of us, but all we want is for him to be healthy and happy. For him to spend as many healthy and happy days with our mum. We want him to live for now, because we know how he approaches whichever road he decides to go down will have long term effects on the rest of us. 

This one piece of music and even the film itself makes me think of all of these things. However, when I sit back and really consider what that emotive music does to me, I think overall it makes me think of love and life. It makes me realise that you have to live for the day. Crossroads in life will come and go, but it is the actions of now that really count.

And like the young man says… ‘Lightning could strike’.

The piece of music I mentioned is the first 5 minutes of That Next Place composed by Thomas Newman.

Read All About It...

A few months back, I couldn’t seem to break away from feeling down in the dumps. For a good month or two, I was feeling really quite low and what some would describe as depressed. I was beating myself up mentally. If I tried to list what was making me feeling down, I could have easily reeled off ten things without stopping for breath. Of these issues, many were things that I have absolutely no control over. 

I thought I was failing as a man, failing as a parent & failing as a partner. I felt as if I should be doing far better in everything than I am doing.  I couldn’t pin point one thing which was getting me down. Instead it was just anything and everything. I was waking up and just knowing that the day ahead was going to be a shit day. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I needed to get myself out of the mind-set that was starting to take hold.

Watch the Documentary here

At the same time, I saw a documentary on BBC Three – Professor Green: Suicide and Me. I watched attentively as we saw the rapper - Pro Green (real name Stephen Manderson) open up and show us an extremely private, emotional side to him, which as a fan, showed just how he managed to write some of the extremely moving lyrics to many of his tracks. 

Read All About It featuring Emeli Sande is his biggest hit to date. I cant listen to that song without thinking of the real reason behind it, and relating that story to my own life. It is weird how music and certain songs can immediately put you into a certain mind state. Emeli Sande's solo version of the song was picked up by the 2012 London Olympics and was performed at the closing ceremony. But many of the Olympic fans probably didn’t know the real inspiration behind the song being written initially was Manderson’s father committing suicide.

The documentary showed the rapper dealing with the pain that his father’s passing had on him and his family members. It made me think more and more about the pain in my own family. It is not something that we feel comfortable talking about. As I have got older, I have related further to my late uncle and wondered what went through his mind in the lead up to taking his own life aged 41.

Manderson met with the charity CALM, who I had first heard of listening to the Tottenham football podcast ‘The Fighting Cock’. It emphasized the great job that they are doing.

In the coming days, I decided that in order to get myself out of my current slump, I needed a way get back to normal. A way to better express my emotions. Although I was reluctant to label myself as anything else than feeling down, I pondered if this could be the start of a longer running issue with depression. I was tempted to use the anonymous chat service that CALM offer. Instead I decided to write my something down. I didn’t know what I would write. So I decided to tell my story. My own version of the documentary I had seen.

That led me to what became my first blog post. Forever In Our Hearts.

I felt good to write something down. I had always enjoyed writing as a kid. I then decided that perhaps this could be my way out. This could be the release I needed. I decided to share this with the editor of the CALM website, as they stated they were looking writers. Days passed, and I didn’t hear anything. I assumed it wasn’t something they were interested in. I am not even sure why I submitted it to them. I wasn’t looking for attention. I wasn’t looking to achieve anything. I just wanted someone to hear the story. There was a definite release in writing something down.

My story: Forever In Our Hearts - on the homepage of CALM's website.

I decided that if there was a subject that I wasn’t able to discuss with those around me, I would write about it. So I made a blog. I was able to create every aspect, and design it exactly how I wanted. I decided it would be solely for those who follow me on twitter. I wasn’t going to share it with family or friends on my Facebook page. 

My story on the CALM Facebook page

On Tuesday, my story went live on the CALM website, and yesterday they placed it onto their Facebook page. It was surreal seeing my story on the main page of a charity so established in their field. It made me feel proud that the story I wanted to tell could be shared with people who have been through the same thing, or show people who are in a dark place that their potential actions will have a knock on effect in ways that they cannot even imagine. 

 I wasn’t able to press the like button on Facebook, as my contacts would see my activity. My immediate friends and family haven’t seen my writing, and I do not know how my mum and dad in particular, would react to what I have written.

My blog is now on its way to 1000 hits, which is completely overwhelming. I am in a far better place mentally, and I although I have dark days, for the most part I am feeling good. I think a large part of that is down to enjoying writing again.

Lyrics from 'Read All About It'
 

Dear dad,
As a kid I looked up to you,
Only thing was I never saw enough of you.
The last thing I said to you was I hated you,
I loved you and now it's too late to say to you.

Just didn't know what to do or how to deal with it,
Even now deep down I'm still livid.
To think, I used to blame me,
I wondered what I did to you to make you hate me.
I wasn't even 5, life's a journey and mine wasn't an easy ride,
You never even got to see me rhyme,
I just wished you would have reached out
I wish you would've been round when I'd been down.
I wish that you could see me now,
Wherever you are I really hope you found peace.
But know that if I ever have kids,

Ill never let them be without me.

 

If you or anyone you know is feeling low, there are people they can talk to. CALM are there 365 days a year. https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/