Paternity Leave: My 10 top tips...

On August 13^th 2017, we welcomed our second beautiful baby boy into the world. His birth was a complete 180’ compared with my first sons birth in every single department. To start with it was far calmer, far quicker, and for me I was a lot more involved, which was great.  With it being the second time around for us, I had far more knowledge about what to expect. I already knew that my Life Will Change in an Instant.

My partner had once again been a superstar, and our new born immediately started to feed, and passed all required checks. We were told we were able to go home soon! Just four hours after delivery, we were being discharged by the medical staff. But then we received a phone call from Kate’s mum to inform us she was en route to the Accident and Emergency department, as our eldest had slipped and fell, appearing to have dislocated his shoulder. Just our luck I thought. Our eldest is literally 100miles per hour, all of the time. I have lost count of the amount of clumsy accidents he has had so far in his two and a half years on earth, resulting in hospital visits. So it was typical that when Mummy and Daddy were in hospital, that he would wish to join us! I quickly rushed to the A&E department, explained to the staff that my partner was upstairs in the Maternity ward, and that a three hour wait in A&E would not be possible for us. They kindly rushed him through.

At that stage I thought that my two week Paternity leave would take a very stressful turn. How would we deal with a new born and a two year old with an injury. It was that stage I decided to inform my employers of our news, and start my paternity leave.

I am lucky that the company I currently work for offer two weeks fully paid paternity. This is a huge perk compared to my previous company, where I was only eligible to one week full pay and the second week statutory pay. This would have left me out of pocket and struggling to pay bills that month, so I took the one week full pay, and added a second week out of annual leave. I felt at the time that my time off felt extremely rushed. This time around, I had the knowledge that I would get two weeks full pay, which meant I wouldn’t need to worry come pay day. Additionally, I elected to take one week annual leave on top, resulting in three weeks away from the office.

My three weeks off seemed to go past in a tired whirlwind. I am so glad I took the extra week off.  I needed it! We had multiple hospital trips for my eldest, who we discovered after two xrays, had a fractured collar bone, and appointments for my partner who unfortunately suffered an infection which caused her much pain and distress. We also were unable to register our son’s birth until the end of the third week, which was frustrating. We wanted to ensure that we gave ourselves as much time together as a family of four as possible. With our first baby, we had visitors every day, and to be honest it was too much. This time we decided to have immediate family only, which worked for us.

Us Dads are an important function of keeping things together in the weeks following the birth of your baby, however are often forgotten about in the process. A dad will be on an emotional rollercoaster, and will always have other worries and thoughts in the back of his mind. However long you are off of work for on Paternity, it is crucial to make the most of that time you have, and not allow yourself to over think about certain things. Just enjoy the time with your newborn.

Here are my top tips to consider during paternity leave:

1) Avoid work

Leave your laptop at the office and turn off the work phone if you can. Obviously this isn’t always possible, and for those who are self employed, getting any paternity leave will be difficult. But consider that in the wider scheme of things, your baby will not be a baby forever. This precious early moments will never be there again. Your partner will need a huge amount of help, and you will need to be there both mentally and physically. Try to ensure before baby arrives, that you have handed over work where possible, and made alternative arrangements where you can. If you have to take a call, try to get an agreement in place both at home and at work, of a set time you can take a call, don’t let them contact you when they see fit. For those two weeks, let them fit in around you.

2) Accept Tiredness

You will be tired. It’s a fact. It is unavoidable, and it is easily the worst part of the early days of parenting. It will hit you like a sledgehammer, and will be worse than any tiredness you have known before. You will have tired arguments in the middle of the night, which you call each other all names under the sun, accept it as part and parcel of having a baby, and move on. Agree that anything you say at 4am is not really ‘You’, instead it is ‘TiredYou’. TiredYou is a dick, and your partners ‘TiredHer’ is also a dick. Leave the tired arguments in the dark of the night, and enjoy the daytime.

Also, don’t whine about being tired to other people. When my partners waters broke at 11pm, we were told to go to see the Maternity staff, I knew it would be a long night. By 3am we were back home. I had been awake for 20 hours at that point, and we were not in active labour. Three hours broken sleep later, contractions were coming and we were back on our way to hospital. That night, I took the first night feed duty, and probably got four hours broken sleep in all. 7 hours broken sleep in the first 48hours is a sign of what was to come. But if you are to bring this up to people, you are automatically going to be seen as the enemy, so keep it to yourself, and try to get cat naps in where you can!  Understand that if you mention being tired, there's a chance your partner may want to lash out at you. Female members of both families will no doubt give you some disapproving looks, and any other mothers you encounter will tell you that you do not know the meaning of tired! – You have been warned! 

3) Do night feeds

You are already tired, but night feeds are not necessarily as bad as they sound. For me, it was about timing. First off, I was able to watch Game of Thrones airing at 02:00, the same time as it premiered in the US. That way I didn’t have to worry about seeing spoilers the next day, and having to wait til 9pm to watch it was the rest of the UK. (That Dragon! Jeeeez!). Secondly, I was able to watch the McGregor/Mayweather fight as it happened. I was already awake, so made sense to watch it live! Again, probably not a good idea to tell your Mrs that you strategically chose the nights you would do night feeds, and purposely stayed awake to watch early morning television.  

But in all seriousness, I felt some of my closest moments with my newborn son, happened during those night feeds. When the rest of the world was sleeping in darkness, my baby and I really connected. I was able to be as corny as I wanted to, knowing that it was just the two of us. I would be the one to feed and soothe him, I would be the one to watch him fall back to sleep. Precious moments, which I will cherish forever.

4) Be proactive. Get shit done

Don’t be the dad who just sits plays his Xbox for two weeks, as tempting as that may be. Be the dad who does things in the home, that the mum wants to do, or wants him to do, before she has to ask you to do them. Be the Dad who does the housework, cleans the bathroom, does the laundry. Be the dad who is the king of the bottle steriliser, unleash your inner chef. Even if it sucks, and you end up ordering a Dominos, just be active and be the best Dad you can be. Yes you may see yourself as being ‘the help’, but get off of your ass and get visitors drinks and sandwiches etc. Get yourself in the good books, and then when you need a daytime ‘time out’ after a busy night watching box sets during a night feed, you may get one without a verbal ear bashing!

5) Book to register your baby ASAP 

In the UK, you have to register your baby with your local council offices. I tried to book an appointment the day after my son was born. They told me the next availability was not for three weeks. If you are unmarried, then both parents need to attend the registration. This means you will have probably returned to work by this time, should your area be as busy as mine. So, just as you are getting into the swing of things, you are asking your boss for more time off. This is a ball ache you can do without. So get the registration appointment booked asap. If you are married, then you can chill, as your wife can do it for both of you.

6) Say no to visitors

Controversial this one, especially if it is your first baby. But try to limit your guests to family and closest friends only in the early days. As soon as you announce to the world that your bundle of joy has finally made his/her appearance, you no doubt be inundated with people who wish to come for a cuddle with your new-born. My advice would be to be selective. Those two weeks you may be able to take off are so special. Spend it together. People you may not have heard from in months suddenly want to come bearing gifts to show you and your baby love, which is great, but try to schedule them for when you are settled in your new life and when you are in some form of routine. In my opinion, family is the most important thing in the world, and now you have a family of your own, you need to protect it. I do not mean in a Male Lion sense, but protect the time you have together. With our first, we had different people most days, and after the two weeks were up, it was suddenly just the three of us again, as everyone had already met our baby.

7) Take photos. Lots of photos

Precious moments need to be captured and cherished. Although my partner claims she looks terrible, I know she looks beautiful and radiant. Take pictures of her when she is unaware, of her being her natural self with the baby. Ask her to take pictures of you too. Take selfies of you both and your little one. Take pictures of those who come to visit.

Me and my Boys

Once I became a parent, it became very apparent to me what that made my parents. They had become Grandparents. As kids, my sister and I lost one of our Grandfather relatively early in our child hood. I have only a handful of photographs of us together, and no actual memories of him. With my dad having Prostate Cancer, I am aware that although he is in good health currently, that may not last forever, therefore any moments he has with my sons, I want to capture them. As heart-breaking as it is, one day those photos and videos will be all my sons have of their granddad, who loves them so so much. The same applies for any relatives and friends who come to see you all. Take pictures. Keep the memories. Your baby will no doubt ask to see them one day.

Also, are you even a dad if you do not get a photo taken of the baby asleep in your arms, whilst you are getting some shut eye yourself?

8) Go out! Within reason! 

Once you are settled and confident, go out into the world with your baby. It will do you all good to get out of the house together. With our first, we started easy, we went for a walk in the park with our little one, and another time decided to go for a bite to eat. Although I felt the most protective I had ever felt, it brought a sense of acceptance that we would be ok at parenting. We probably had a false sense of security second time round, as we went to a shopping mall on day two. Half way round, my partner couldn’t go any further. So my advice is to take it easy, and keep the car closeby!

9)  Have a 'Daddy day'

Even with classes you may have attended and the books you may have read before baby comes along, until you do something just yourself and your baby, you will always depend on your partner a little. Be brave, take the plunge. Book a treat for your partner, a massage, a spa day, hair dressers etc, and have the baby for yourself. It will be down to you to do all the things that your partner will have do day in and day out when you return to work. This will help you see things from her side, when in a few weeks you return from work to see her still in her pyjamas, unwashed, the house turned upside down, and a tearful look in her eye!!

10)  Enjoy it!

Your new born may be a bottle guzzling, burping, sleeping and pooing machine, but hindsight will eventually tell you that it is a time where the hardest thing to deal with is the tiredness. If you can beat that, you have time to really enjoy learning how to become a parent.

The next months will continue to be a rollercoaster. Just enjoy the ride. Before too long your baby will no longer be a newborn, and the next chapter will begin. Cherish your partner, tell her every day how amazing she is, and always tell both your partner and your baby how much you love them.

If you are in this situation, I wish you and your baby nothing but success, with lots of health, happiness, love and laughter. Best wishes to you and your family.

Life will change in an instant...

For a lot of men, there comes a point in your life, when people tell you that life will change forever and that things will never be the same again, they are right. It won’t. Life will change in an instant. For you are about to become a Daddy, and it is the best thing in the world.

From the day your partner tells you the news, to the agonising wait for the first scan, and then every week leading up to the birth, you may feel levels of anxiety that you may not have felt before. You may question your life choices to date and whether you are actually ready for the next chapter in your life.  You shouldn’t because you are ready. 

You may have doubts over your income, and whether your maturity levels are acceptable of that of a soon to be father.  Income can rise over time but you may always stay an immature kid at heart, but that wont make you a bad Dad. Your partner will be full of knowledge, and you may wonder what the f**k is going on not knowing a thing. But rest assured you will not be the first in feeling that way, and that you will be surprised at what will come naturally.

In order to not feel like you know nothing like Jon Snow, you may decide to do some reading beforehand. You will find that books will either be very educational, or overly blokeish and laddy, trying to be comical. Depending on the style that works for you, it can certainly be beneficial to get some reading in, just so that things aren’t a total mystery to you. For a nice easy read, I recommend The Expectant Dads Survival Guide.

The attention will be solely on your Mrs from the time you announce the pregnancy (usually after your 12 week scan) and you need to accept that. You have done your job. Let her have her time to shine. Your job from here on is to be her support, learn your stuff, and make sure things are as stress free as possible. You simply need to do the right thing and be there for her. Make the most of her and enjoy eachother. My only main advice for parents to- be, is to make the most of the time you have as a couple. Because before you know it, you will be part of a treble (or more!), and taking babies to spa breaks, romantic weekends away, theatre and the cinema is sort of frowned upon. Get the date nights in before bubba arrives. 

Because once baby is here, a night out together will be a thing of the past. :(

When the time arrives and your baby is enroute, it is time for you to really step up. Your bags should have been packed, pram & car seat should be in the car, the route to hospital should be planned and it is now your time to shine. My tip would be to download the parking app (if there is one for your hospital) to save yourself time paying in the car park. Once inside, you will need to stay calm and supportive, and communicate clearly with the medical staff and family members texting and calling for updates every few minutes.

Understand your partners wishes in advance, but be prepared for any birthing plans etc to get thrown out of the window if things go a certain way. Despite the sheer confusion and panic which you may feel, your partner needs you now, and needs you to step up and be there. Brace yourself to feel totally helpless when things start happening. There is nothing you can do, and you should not think that you know best. You don’t. The professional medical staff do. They will have delivered hundreds of babies. You probably haven’t even watched a full episode of ‘One Born Every Minute’ - let them do their jobs, and stay out of the way.

Your partner will need you. You will hold her hand, you will stroke her hair, you will tell her how well she is doing and most above all, you will offer positive encouragement.  You will see her going through agony that you cannot even fathom, and you will see her in a totally different light than you ever have before. Before you know it, things will be in full swing and baby will be minutes away from being born. The staff will be in and out of the room, and you may feel like everything has gone a little surreal.

When my son was born, he had to be delivered promptly due to his heart rate dropping. I had no idea at this point what the hell was going on, but I knew that my Mrs needed me, and I needed to be calm, despite my own heart rate going through the roof. The midwives, doctors and other staff are yelling their encouragement, and readying themselves for the arrival. “Three pushes Katie, your baby needs to be out in three pushes” is something I will remember for my whole life.

Everything seemed a blur. There were screams, there were things I saw that can not be unseen, there was anxiety and there was fear.

And then he was out. And he was crying. 

It was 16:12 on March 13^th 2015 and he was here. I was a Daddy.

After controlling my bottom lip and wiping the tears from my eyes, I kissed my partner and told her how amazing she had done, and how much I loved her. Before I know it, my top was off and I am holding my son on my chest, skin to skin, with his little eyes looking up at me, feeling the warmest, proudest, most emotional I have ever been in my life. At that moment I promised him that I would do everything I ever can to make him have the happiest most fulfilled life that I possibly can. 

In those moments, I graduated from being a 30year old boy, to becoming a 30year old man. Life had certainly changed.  The room cleared, and it was just the three of us. My family. I looked out of window, with my son in my arms, and as clichéd as it seems, I told him the world was his, and that he would bring much love and happiness to many people in it. 

That evening he met his grandparents, and by midnight I was told to leave by the midwives. Despite my protests, they assured me that my partner and son were in good hands. And I trusted them. They had brought him into the world safely and looked after my partner when she needed them. Despite still feeling today that I should have stayed with them on the ward, in hindsight I was so grateful that I went home and had a full nights sleep. That drive home was something I will never forget. I was in a state of shock. I was up at 6am, having not moved in my bed all night, and I returned to the hospital for the first real day of parenting. We were lucky to be allowed home within 24hours of his birth. 

And it is then that the realisation kicks in. You are now parents, and this little baby is relying on you for everything.

My advice is simple, if people offer help, say yes. Even if that means simple things like bringing you dinner, or doing your washing etc. Let them. If family members want to sit with the baby to allow you to get some sleep, do it. Make the most of the help offered.

Two weeks paternity will fly by, and soon you will be back at work. Don’t expect a big song and dance. You aren’t the one who has given birth, so after the initial welcome back chats, you will be expected to be pulling your weight in the workplace. You will then go home after work and be expected to take over parental duties. The place may be a pig sty, but know that your mrs has been non stop at home looking after your baby.   

If you are like me, you will no longer yearn to be out with the boys every weekend, as the little bundle of joy in your arms will have stolen your heart, and will be the sole focus in your life, but make sure you get time in the diary to see your friends and have some time for you. Just as your partner will need time for herself too if possible.

People will tell you to get your sleep in advance of the birth, as if it is something that can be stockpiled. The truth is that you and your partner will be shattered beyond belief. It is how you manage the tiredness and communication between each other in these moments of sheer exhaustion which will be important. My partner and I made a deal, that anything that was said in a heated argument at 3am would be forgotten by sunrise. You are not you, when you are tired. She will not be her usual self when she is tired either. Let it go and move on.

Life will have changed, but it will have changed for the better. The fun will have started, but I promise, there is so much more to come. There will be highs, and there will be lows. Especially when your baby keeps eye contact with you the whole time they are straining to poop. However the love and pride you will feel will be like nothing you have ever experienced. Cherish every moment, as they are not babies for long!

In a world full of City's and Uniteds...

I stated in a previous blog entry hat it was summer 1990, when I was seven years old, when I first fell in love. I fell in love with a game. I fell in love with football. There were two players in particular who held my affection that summer. Star striker Gary Lineker and the man the rest of the nation fell in love with – the supremely talented - Paul Gascoigne.

Gascoigne and Lineker celebrating the '91 Semi Final win.

Unbeknown to me at the time, both players played for the same English club side – Tottenham Hotspur. Upon finding out this information, my seven year old mind was made up, I was to become a fan of Tottenham Hotspur Football club. 

In a world full of City's, Uniteds and Rover's... There is only one Hotspur..

Living in South London, I should have been a fan of Millwall, Charlton or Crystal Palace, but Lineker and Gascoigne were at Tottenham, and therefore it was in North London that my allegiance belonged, and White Hart Lane where I wanted to go more than anything.

This season marks the last year that Tottenham will play at White Hart Lane, before we leave for a year to allow for our futuristic new stadium to be built on the site of the existing stadium. Although the prospect of moving into our new stadium is extremley exciting, it is also tinged with some sadness. It made me think of my first experience of the place we have called home. 

In December 1990, my Dad took me to my first game at White Hart Lane. Despite not being a  football fan himself, he had secretly managed to obtain two tickets to the upcoming Tottenham vs Sunderland match. I remember the day that my mum collected me from school, and during the walk home, told me that my Dad had bought us tickets. I don’t think I had ever been so excited. 

I was up early, and we headed to Tottenham in the car. Dad parked around the corner from the ground, we were there early and we headed towards the stadium. I remember the feeling I felt as I saw White Hart Lane for the first time, and remember being scared of the turnstile as I handed my ticket across. Then that was it. I was in, and was part of it. I was in White Hart Lane and ready to cheer as loud as I could.  As we took our seats in the second row of the East Stand Upper, I couldn’t believe it. There was Gary Lineker, Paul Gascoigne and the rest of the first team warming up below us on the pitch. 

I still remember the sound of the crowd, the feel of the ticket in my hands, the smell of the stadium, and the buzz that I received from being among the 30,000 crowd. The game didn’t start well; we were two down within twenty minutes or so. We scored two in the second half, but going into the last minute we were losing 2-3, until my idol Gary Lineker popped up with a last gasp equalizer. The fans around us went crazy and I was picked up by someone who wasn’t my dad in the euphoria. Quickly back down to my feet, Dad decided it would be time to go to beat the crowd. 3-3! What a game! I was hooked. 

 

Despite finishing mid table in the league, Tottenham ended that season with a trophy, after a great run in the FA Cup, beating Arsenal at Wembley en route to the final. Both of my heroes scored in that semi-final, Gazza with one of the best free kicks in the history of Wembley, and Lineker netting twice. The final against Nottingham Forest will be remembered for Gazza being stretchered off, but for me it was much more than that. It was the launch of our new Umbro kit, which led to ridicule for the long shorts, (which would soon become the norm) which would be the first Tottenham kit I would own, and it would be for our courageous captain Gary Mabbutt lifting the trophy, next to the late Princess Diana in her green jacket. 

Gary Mabbutt lifts the FA Cup infront of The Royal Box.

I had been spoilt with my first year of being a Spurs fan. But things were going to change. Little did I know that with I wouldn’t get close to the elation of that season again until some twenty five years on. Within twelve months of the FA Cup glory, we had finished 15^th, Gazza had been out injured all year, and Lineker was on his way to finish his career in Japan. Soon Gascoigne signed for Lazio, and my heroes were no longer Spurs players.

Despite seeing my heroes depart, I was hooked on Spurs, and in the coming years Teddy Sheringham and Darren Anderton quickly became firm favourites of mine. Those years that followed the ’91 success were tough for Spurs fans. The new Premier League era had arrived, and Sky dishes became more popular, which meant I was able to watch more live football than ever before. But there wasn’t too much to get excited about. I occasionally got to go to White Hart Lane, usually during pre season where tickets were cheaper.

"Taxi for Maicon" - Gareth Bale destroying the Inter Milan full back

Since then Spurs fans had to endure years of disappointment, aside from two League cup victories, there hasn’t been too much to cheer. There was a brief resurgence under Harry Redknapp, who led us into the Champions League with a great team and style of football, Gareth Bale emerged as a superstar, and rose to prominence throughout Europe in a team that included stars such as Ledley King, Luka Modric and Rafael Van der Vaart.

It is not until last season, where Spurs had a run at the title before falling away in the last few weeks of the season, that fans felt a huge connection with the club in all aspects. With the new season in its infancy, Tottenham fans are once again optimistic, we are a young exciting team, who are working for eachother and it seems all involved including fans are pulling in the same direction. The young generation have new heroes, with Dele Alli and Harry Kane being at the forefront.

Alli and Kane - the heroes to a new generation of fans.

My dad and I didn’t attend many matches together over the years, and if we did go to watch football, we would go to the sporadic game or two at The Den or The Valley, due to the local proximity. I think we only went to one more match together at White Hart Lane in the intervening years, which was David Howells’ testimonial in 1997. 

I doubt that I will get another chance to attend a match at White Hart Lane with my Dad, with this year being the final year at the ground and at a reduced capacity, and Dad’s lack of interest in the game. He only went to games in order to put a smile on my face as a child. As I grew older I was able to go on my own or with friends, so there wasn't a need for him to attend with me. It is a shame, but he still went out of his way to ensure that I experienced something that i loved. Even if he wasn't particularly interested himself. He enabled me to have that special day, which has lead to a lifetime memory. I will certainly do that for my son. As we prepare to say goodbye to White Hart Lane, I will do so thanking my dad for allowing me to be in that number!

With the new season, we are delighting to see Spurs returning to the Champions League, and returning to Wembley. For a minimum of three games, we will play at Wembley against elite level opposition. We can see the new and improved White Hart Lane starting to be built, and its completion is coming in the next few seasons, I am optimistic that I will be able to provide my son with the excitement and anticipation of taking him to see Spurs in action as he gets older.

Happy Retirement Day Dad!

Today marks a monumental day for my family. 

After 35 plus years of hard graft, manual work, long hours and torturous commutes to work, my Dad is finally retiring. And I am completely delighted and immensely proud of him as he reaches the end of his working life.

For as long as I have known, my Dad has left for work before the day breaks, and has returned after nightfall. Most days have seen him stuck in traffic for hours on the horrific M25 motorway, travelling to film studios located on the other side of London. Often throughout our childhood, Dad would get a job which resulted in many weeks and months working abroad. Ireland, Turkey, Russia, Kenya, Tenerife to name just a few locations. Dad sacrificed spending time with us in order to bring home as much as he could, to provide a great life for my mum, my sister and I.

As a father myself, I understand the sacrifice. He could have had an easy life and worked the 9-5, but he wanted more for us. And I am eternally grateful. As I mentioned in a post from a few months back, A Letter To My Dad we have wanted him to slow down for some time.

When people have asked over the years, what my Dad does for work, my response was always that he worked in Films and Television. This would usually lead to the person I am talking to thinking that it was a very glamorous role. But Dad’s part in the industry certainly wasn’t the glitz and glamour others assume it to be. A carpenter by trade, my Dad has been a Construction Manager on many huge film and tv blockbusters over the years. Often, Dad and his team are the first people to arrive to start work and are the last to leave. They are there on the project long before the cameras start rolling, and then long after to strike the set. Often they are not credited for the work they have completed on the film, and often neglected from screening invitations. At times in his career he might have felt underappreciated, but as a family, we hugely appreciate what he has done.

That is not to say that he hasn’t enjoyed his career. He will no doubt look back and smile, as he had some really good times and worked with a good group of people. He had a core group who he would hire whenever he was chosen to lead a new project. His two brothers, his best friend, and a core group of reliable guys that he could trust to get the job done to a high standard. But for him, losing his best friend to cancer last year had a real knock on effect. The enjoyment he had from his best friends company was no longer with him at work. Dad’s tiredness had started to show, but now he can look forward to the rest of his life without having to work. But there is no doubt, and knowing the man he is, he will be working non stop in and around the home, and will be looking for a short term job back in the film game in the months to come.

I hope he can use this time to relax and enjoy spending time with mum. They should go on holiday to their dream locations, do all the things which were not possible during the past 35+ years, and enjoy each other.  Enjoy their retirement years and make memories. Today is the day you stop working and start living!

A small selection of some of the movies / TV programmes that my Dad has worked on over his long career.