A Stream of Consciousness..

As I sit down to allow a brief stream of consciousness to leave my fingertips into my computer, there is a lot that I feel I need to, and can write about at the moment. For quite a while I have struggled with what to write about with this blog. The blog itself has served as my release of emotions when I have needed it to. Although I have dear friends, I do not necessarily have a large network of people around me of whom I can confide in about certain sort of things. Only recently have I found a few people in the workplace who have shown a considerable caring nature towards my happiness, and who have encouraged me to get things off of my chest.

However despite this, I have still avoided writing this post if I am honest.

It is hard to describe to people the emotions I have been feeling in the past ten days or so. Never in my life have I felt so unsure and unsettled, compared to these preceding days.

There have been four huge things which are ongoing which are, and will be, major events in my life.

Then there has been one event which has served as a trigger to my negative mind state. All five together at the same time, and the result is that my head is a little all over the place. So I think it is important that I address them in order to allow myself to fully understand what is going on.

The reasons for this rollercoaster of emotions have been multifaceted. Each of the subjects which are grabbing the focus of my attention are completely personal, relating to my family, and the fear of not being there for them. Old feelings and concerns have been raised, and a sense of trying to manage the grief that others are feeling is overwhelming. 

These feelings have been bouncing around inside my head, crashing against one another, with some dominating the other at times, but with all playing on my mind simultaneously. It feels like a combustible mix that I need to address.

Outwardly I have trying to keep it together, putting on a brave face at times in order to portray an appearance that I am being strong for those around me. However, privately I have needed to get my views out to avoid waves upon waves of downheartedness and negativity consuming me. It is getting harder and harder to shrug off the sadness.

I am planning on addressing each of the five things in my blog in varying degrees.

The first thing was health scare. I have been struggling with and complaining about headaches for a good few months. These headaches were unlike migraines, and were only affecting two specific parts of my head. I had been taking paracetamol to manage these, but concerned at how regular they were occurring. Then over the last few weeks I noticed I was losing the ability to recall certain words in specific situations. Something a mundane as cutting the lawn and I would forget the word for lawnmower for example.  Around the same time I noticed I would drop things quite easily, which was out of character for me. The door keys, my phone, and other everyday objects would slip out of my grasp without me noticing. Then the final incident was a fortnight ago, when I was walking to the train station in the morning, when all of a sudden I was on wet muddy pavement, having fallen over for no apparent reason. This concerned my partner and I, and I googled what the symptoms could be. I know you shouldn’t ever do that. But I am glad I did. I then saw a GP immediately and was referred to a Neurologist who sent me for immediate tests and booked an MRI. The next day I spent 30mins in a MRI machine, listening to Linkin Park’s greatest hits in an attempt to drown out the noise. The results were back that evening, and I was given the all clear in regards to any tumours or things in my brain which shouldn’t be there. This was a relief to say the least. Further examinations will be required, but at least the big scary thing has been ruled out.

Two of the things which I feel I need to talk about are linked and will need to be addressed carefully out of respect for the people involved and the ongoing situation. It is to do with the death of someone in my extended family and the effect of their loss on a specific loved one in particular. The story is a heart-breaking one to tell, and still feels raw and surreal. The incident only happened seven days ago, and not all of the facts have emerged. Some reports are vague, others misleading and there are final parts of the event still to happen. But there are still actions that are needed from me and my family to keep things together for others. I will need to give more thought into that post, than opposed to my usual writing style.

One is a thing I am super excited about, but still completely scared of once again.

The final one will deal with another unexpected loss. However this time to someone I have never met, but whose influence had a huge impact. The way in which this individual died has triggered feelings in me which have caused me to reflect and be saddened by.

Once again, I hope that by writing these blogs, I can feel a sense of release. I feel annoyed at myself for only having this outlet. But it has helped in the past, hopefully it helps again.

The dust has settled and tears have dried...

Before I start, please proceed with caution reading this if you are one of the few people who are yet to see The Walking Dead Season 7 Episode 1.

In this post, I will avoid naming names and spoiling the episode. However, I don’t think there are people of the social media generation who have managed to avoid the spoilers. They are everywhere, and it is infuriating. But if you are one of these people, and have avoided the spoilers and yet you call yourself a fan of The Walking Dead, then WTF?!?!? How have you not seen the episode yet!??!

Ok so here goes... Warning over…

Under usual circumstances, we do not get the new episode of The Walking Dead here in the UK, until the day after it premieres in the US.

However such was the nature of the cliff-hanger at the end of Season 6, the executives at FOX decided to air the Premiere of Season 7 at 0230 on Monday morning– so it would air at the same time as it was broadcast in the US. The same strategy employed by the team at SKY regarding Game of Thrones.

I went to bed on Sunday evening, feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve. I knew that when I awoke, there would be a present for me, sitting on my PVR planner, delivered overnight by the Santa like people at FOX (AMC in the US).

I personally knew that I could not take the risk of seeing a spoiler, so decided set my PVR to record the 0230 transmission, and set my alarm to wake me up early on Monday morning to watch the episode at 5am, before my partner and baby wake up, and before I needed to start getting ready for work. I knew that someone on social media or a news outlet would have posted something, and I wasn’t going to let the agonising six month wait that was almost over, be ruined by someone else.

In the week leading up to the premiere, there had been prominent marketing from the channel and programming itself about fans not spoiling the episode for other fans, unfortunately this wasn't hugely successful, as once fans had seen the show, their initial reaction was to flood social media outlets with their views, and to communicate their emotions with like minded people. It is inevitable and impossible to police.

I was up before the sunrise, settled in my comfy clothes, ready and waiting with anticipation for what was about to come. We already knew something BIG was going to happen. We had seen it from that characters point of view six months ago. But the question was who?

Soon the question we had been agonising over, the question which had led to the creation of hundreds of YouTube theory videos, the question we had been discussing on social media and talking about with friends and loved ones had been answered.

We knew the identity of Negan’s victim.

The Walking Dead was back in all of its gory ultra-violent glory, and was back with a huge bang. Well more than one bang. More like repetitive strikes of Negan’s barbed wire wrapped baseball bat named Lucille.

The dust has settled, tears have dried and the realisation of what I witnessed has sunken in. Opinions have been formed, reaction videos uploaded, online & print reviews posted and verbal discussions have occurred all over the world. But for the majority, the line between real life and TV has been crossed. As a viewer we, our main group of protagonists suffered hugely in this episode. So much so, that the show will have a completely new direction after this episode.

Personally, I felt a sense of bereavement and grief at watching this episode, as if it was somebody that I knew who had passed away, and not just a fictional character in long running television series about surviving in a zombie apocalypse. I had invested years of my life in supporting this group. So what happened really hit me hard.

The reviews of this episode have been mixed. Some fans have loved it for twisting the narrative, for breaking the character of Rick Grimes, and leaving the show with a new avenue to travel down in season 7. Others fans were left disgusted at the level of gore and violence, labelling the episode as “torture porn masquerading as storytelling”

I guess it depends on how you see your level of association with the programme. Super fans will have loved it, and every day casual fans may have been totally turned off. If you had viewed from the start, you will have seen the group’s struggles gain in intensity over the seasons, and the same can be said for the violence and suffering that they have suffered and imparted as the seasons have progressed. Some people have stated on social media that they will no longer watch the show. In my view this is just ridiculous. If you have invested years into something as graphic as TWD, then although this episode was shocking, it is not beyond the realms of what this show has been capable of. We have seen beheadings a plenty, a son killing his mother, a crossbow arrow to the eye, torture and cannibalism to mention just a few shock factor moments.

Such is the contrast of the critiques, that that the governing body who regulate what can or can’t go on television here in the UK, OFCOM, received complaints after people viewed the 0230 transmission, which lead to FOX having to make minor edits to the 2100 screening, to make it more compliant with the regulations. 

One of these edits appeared to remove one character's very poignant last words to another character, which led to confusion, as that particular line "I'll find you" was discussed in the talk show Talking Dead which airs immediately after the 9pm showing on FOX UK.

Although left depressed and in a mood of reflection after this episode, in my opinion it did everything that I wanted it to. I found out who the victim was after a long six months, I was left jaw wide open at certain things which happened, and I cannot wait to see how this season progresses from here.

I was in awe of some of the acting performances in this episode, notably Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Negan, and Andrew Lincoln as Rick. The way  they played their interactions was exactly what was needed, and completley believable. Notable mention to Lauren Cohen as Maggie, expressed what everyone at home was feeling. 

The episode is on track to be the highest performing show ever on FOX UK, and after spending three years working for the channel, I am delighted that they are receiving figures like that. The show continues to grow in the UK, with a 59% increase on viewing figures from the opening episode of season 6. Amazing numbers for a channel such as FOX, and a great place for advertisers to align themselves.

The Walking Dead airs on FOX UK @ 9pm on Mondays. – Not sure if they will continue to simulcast with the US for future episodes.

It's a f**cked up world that we live in...

Yesterday I asked myself and colleagues around me a question – are we, as the social media generation, desensitised from shocking and gratuitous violence?  I think as a majority, we probably are. Well I certainly am. And in my opinion that is down to the way coverage is shared via social media.

I have various forms of social media, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram. Each serves its own purpose. When I learnt of the shooting of Alton Sterling, I logged into my Twitter account. With literally a few keyboard strokes, I saw video footage of two murders on my Twitter feed. It saddened me, but I certainly wasn’t shocked and moved to a new level of emotion that I probably should have been. And I blame that, not on movies and video games. But the sharing of REAL time news on social media.

The two separate videos were the murders of two black men by US police officers. I used the term murder as in my opinion that is what it was. No doubt about it in my mind. No other term is required or can be justified. The officers that killed Alton Sterling and Philando Castile murdered them. 

The police officers seemed to be a fit of rage and hysteria in the aftermath of pulling that trigger. It was almost as if the gun in their hand and uniform on their body gave them a sense of power that they were invincible, and as soon as the sound of the bullets leaving the chamber stopped ringing in their ears, they snapped into an understanding of what would happen to them from now on. 

Their lives will be turned upside down and those of their families. The split second it took to murder those men will impact those around them forever. But that is nothing in comparison for those who lost someone in that action. Children will never have their daddy back, and that is unacceptable. The US police needs to seriously review the types of people they are hiring, as they are engaging their firearms before engaging their brains. 

This morning I woke and the top trend on Twitter was #Dallas. When you see a place name trending, you know something bad has happened. And it has. In what appears to have been an organised revenge attack on police officers, resulting in eleven officers shot, five killed, and an unconfirmed number of members of the public have been shot at a #BlackLivesMatter protest in the city. Once again, events have been captured on film, and shared online. In one video which has been shared virally, we have seen the execution of one officer, who was killed doing his job. And again I wasn’t shocked. The cold hearted execution of a police officer doing his job should have moved me. But we have seen it before. 

But yesterday isn’t the first time that we have witnessed such atrocities, and certainly won’t be the last. But in recent times, I have learnt about these incidents via Twitter and Facebook. In the past weeks we have seen the mass murder in the Orlando nightclub, and although mass footage didn’t come out, individual messages and heartbreak were shared internationally on social media.

In August last year, videos flooded social media of the murders of news reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward. These videos had been filmed and released by the killer himself. The videos were shared instantly and spread like wild fire globally. They became viral. Millions of people saw the horrified look on Alison Parker's face as she literally stared down the barrel of a gun. Whether they wanted to or not. The image was shared and publisized around the world.

In yesterday’s murders, the attack in Dallas, and the murder of the news team last summer, we have witnessed someone taking human life without thought or compassion. We have seen the last moments of someone’s life, and in some videos even seen their last breath.  

And although truly heart-breaking when you think of the impact of the action upon the individuals, loved ones, families, friends, co-workers etc, we as members of the social community still share the videos on social media, with no thought of who may see it. 

Acts of violence, murder and terror attacks are part of the world we live in, but we have a duty to share the news responsibly. Social media gives everyone a voice, but in my opinion we have a responsibility about how we use that voice. There is an argument that people can share the truth on social media, the truth as it happens, compared to a filtered and censored version we may often get from the media news outlets.

We are a generation who have been brought up on violent movies, violent video games and global atrocities being shown on our screens. We are a generation who know that gratuitous violence is just a few clicks away should we want to see it. We are also a generation who have been brought up with modern cameras, smart phones, body worn cameras and live streaming. When something shocking happens, you will often see a crowd of people with their phones out filming the activity. The ability to film what is actually happening is there to prove the actions that are occurring,  which has never been more evident than in the murder of Philando Castille, who’s partner filmed and broadcasted live on Facebook the aftermath of the Police officer opening fire on him after he reached for his driving licence. In that ten minute Facebook live video, we saw the moment he passed away and her remarkable calmness and willingness to comply with the officer, as the officer seemed to become hysterical. 

Desensitization to a subject suggests a lower level of emotion in response to something you have witnessed. 

I would describe myself as an emotive and passionate person, yet with all of the things I have seen recently, with the additions of coverage of huge events over the years such as: 7/7, 9/11, Sandy Hook, Columbine, and not to mention the countless violent or abusive videos random Facebook friends have liked or shared, I would certainly say that I view things with a lower level of emotion towards them, compared to how I would have felt in days before social media. I am sure I am not alone in feeling that way. 

I seem to be tweeting the same thing quite often now days : "Its a fucked up world we live in."

My thoughts and condolences go out to the families of all of the people who have lost their lives in recent events. RIP.

A letter to my Dad..

Dad, I wanted to write you a letter to say thank you. To tell you how much I appreciate all that you have done for us, how much you have sacrificed, and just how hard you have worked to provide for us as a family. 

As long as I can remember, you have worked flat out to better our lives. You have left at the crack of dawn, returned after dark, and have done all that you can to ensure that mum, K, and I have had the best of everything in our lives. Whilst other Dads on our road would leave for their cushy 9-5 office jobs, you would have to drive 4hours per day to get to your physical hard job, often going abroad to earn that pound coin for us. At weekends you have not sat down and chilled, you have grafted to transform our home and garden more than once.

I saw a quote online that resonated, as it is very true for me. The quote said: 

"When you teach your son, you also teach your son's son"

I will teach my son things which you have taught me. He will have the same qualities and characteristics from me, that I have from you.  As years have passed and I have grown older, we have grown closer, and we have been able to speak about sensitive subjects to a degree, and I know that you will always have my best interests at heart. You have always been my biggest fan. You have always believed in me and pushed me to do better. But you let me find my own way. You have been more than a father. You have been a friend.

But lately there have been developments and subjects that aren’t that easy to talk about, and I know that these subjects scare you, even if you won’t admit it. You have received a diagnosis which must seem like a death sentence and you may have to further tests and prodding and poking by people in white coats. I know that you are loathed to go through that again, after the last time it left you with an infection that meant we could have lost you, but Dad you really need to think about it.

Consider that although these tests could bring dark clouds, it will also bring a sense of blue skies in the future. Blue skies where we as a family can make memories and share laughter. I fear that without the further investigations a storm will come over us and never leave.

I have a son of my own now, and I think that has brought us closer. The bond you have with him is amazing, and has been since he was born. There is something magical about your bond that he doesn’t have with anyone else. I want that to continue into his life as he grows. I want you to be here to experience it with him. 

Throughout my life, I have said that if I can echo what you have achieved in your life, then I would have been successful. You came from a very working class background, to have a lovely home, two happy kids, and were able to give mum the amazing gift of 18years off of work, to ensure she was always there for me and K. We had lovely holidays, K had her dream wedding. You have always been there to give us everything. If I can emulate for my own life and family, then I will have done well.

It is now your time to enjoy life. If treatment will buy you a solid few years of good health, then in my eyes it is a no brainer. Go and enjoy the world with Mum. Go for the holidays you have always wanted. Buy the car of your dreams. You have worked hard all of your life. Go and enjoy it. As you have always said, there is no point being the richest man in the cemetery. 

Please know that all you have done has been appreciated, valued and respected. You are my true inspiration. I hope my life has made you proud, and I hope you respect me as a man I have become.

If storm clouds do come our way, we will not hide away from them. We will face them head on. Together. As a family. We can not give up. We must not. We will not.

Ps - this is the hardest blog to write and harder to share. Realisation of what is going on sucks big
time. - I love you.

Thank you for reading this - whoever you are. If you can relate to this topic, please encourage your relative to open up. It is so easy for them to try to be the typical alpha male and assume this will be ok.


Please donate to the Men United appeal by http://prostatecanceruk.org/ and if you are in the UK, show your support by purchasing a Badge from your local Marks & Spencer store for just £1.

The Permanent Solution...

Any bereavement is hard to deal with. It rocks you in so many ways, and can do so continuously, striking like hammer blows over the years. In my case, my emotions regarding my Uncle’s death have re-emerged over the past few years, and I am feeling emotions that must have been locked up deep inside me.

I think that this is down to various factors.

Firstly, I was a child when he passed away. Time perception was different back then. A child year seems to be an adult month. Our sense of time changes as we grow older. The intervening years have been my developmental, grown up years. Lots of water has passed under the bridge since Charlie died. I have matured and had to deal with other bereavements, stresses, struggles and finding my own path in life. It is only now as I am rapidly approaching the age that he passed, that my feelings to his passing are re-emerging. As a child I was able to accept that grown-ups will die at some point. I was told that he had a heart attack, and that seemed logical to me at the time. It wasn’t til I approached adulthood, did I find out and was able to comprehend the darker truth.

“When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things”

Another factor has to be that in clearing out my Grandfather’s property after his death three years ago, I found my Uncle’s suicide letter. 

Having only ever heard my parent’s perspective on the reasons they believed led to his decision to end his life, it was a roller-coaster to quickly read his letter, all at the same time as being emotional towards the passing of my Grandfather.

My head was spinning, my heart was racing and it was hard to focus as I began to read the actual letter that was found alongside my Uncle all those years ago. Addressed to ‘Mum’ the words on the paper in my hands were the last thing to go through his mind. His despair and depression was clearly evident. He blamed himself for everything that had happened. The breakup of a relationship. The breakdown of a business. The financial ruin, and the disappointment he saw himself as. The letter apologised to his parents, and instructed my grandmother to pass on messages to his friends. But there was no mention of his brothers. No mentions of me, my sister or his other nephews and nieces. No mention of other family members. This hurt immensely when reading the letter. It made me think that on the night that he set about his task to end his life, the wider ramifications of his actions were not present in his thought process. In many ways, it made me see him as very selfish. It made me blame the bottle of alcohol that he was clearly consuming as he wrote the letter. It made me think that if he hadn’t have been drinking that night, he may be with us now.

But that was naive and of me. It took some time to reflect and study more about the subject of depression, and learn more about the man that in reality, I only knew as a playmate. Mental health issues are widely ignored even now, and back in 1993 when my uncle took his life, I can’t imagine opening up to peers, or seeking help was that common. Instead as typical south London male, he wanted to get himself out of the predicament he was in, and not unload his issues on other people. His decision to end his life was not a spur of the moment thing. He had planned his method. This was not going to be a cry for help. This was going to be a permanent solution to his pain.

Finally, the fact that I still hate the fact he chose that permanent solution, to what I now see 23 years later as an illness that can be helped. I hate the fact he didn’t reach out for help. I hate the fact that he didn’t think of his three brothers; about how this would send their world crashing down around them. I hate the fact that my Nan blamed herself fully for the loss of her son. I hate the fact that she never recovered from his passing. I hate the fact that my sister, my cousins and I missed out on getting to know him as a man. I’m gutted that we never shared a pint and laugh together. At family events, I often think that family members who have passed away are with us, watching us have fun and live life. I hope they are proud of us.

The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM – www.thecalmzone.net) believe that there are social and cultural barriers which prevent men from speaking out. That state that men do not feel comfortable expressing feelings and emotions. That men think they are expected to be strong at all times. I certainly agree with this statement in regards to my uncle. 

I wish he could have opened up to someone. He would have been 65 just after Valentines day. I wish we could have shared a pint in celebration.