A Stream of Consciousness..

As I sit down to allow a brief stream of consciousness to leave my fingertips into my computer, there is a lot that I feel I need to, and can write about at the moment. For quite a while I have struggled with what to write about with this blog. The blog itself has served as my release of emotions when I have needed it to. Although I have dear friends, I do not necessarily have a large network of people around me of whom I can confide in about certain sort of things. Only recently have I found a few people in the workplace who have shown a considerable caring nature towards my happiness, and who have encouraged me to get things off of my chest.

However despite this, I have still avoided writing this post if I am honest.

It is hard to describe to people the emotions I have been feeling in the past ten days or so. Never in my life have I felt so unsure and unsettled, compared to these preceding days.

There have been four huge things which are ongoing which are, and will be, major events in my life.

Then there has been one event which has served as a trigger to my negative mind state. All five together at the same time, and the result is that my head is a little all over the place. So I think it is important that I address them in order to allow myself to fully understand what is going on.

The reasons for this rollercoaster of emotions have been multifaceted. Each of the subjects which are grabbing the focus of my attention are completely personal, relating to my family, and the fear of not being there for them. Old feelings and concerns have been raised, and a sense of trying to manage the grief that others are feeling is overwhelming. 

These feelings have been bouncing around inside my head, crashing against one another, with some dominating the other at times, but with all playing on my mind simultaneously. It feels like a combustible mix that I need to address.

Outwardly I have trying to keep it together, putting on a brave face at times in order to portray an appearance that I am being strong for those around me. However, privately I have needed to get my views out to avoid waves upon waves of downheartedness and negativity consuming me. It is getting harder and harder to shrug off the sadness.

I am planning on addressing each of the five things in my blog in varying degrees.

The first thing was health scare. I have been struggling with and complaining about headaches for a good few months. These headaches were unlike migraines, and were only affecting two specific parts of my head. I had been taking paracetamol to manage these, but concerned at how regular they were occurring. Then over the last few weeks I noticed I was losing the ability to recall certain words in specific situations. Something a mundane as cutting the lawn and I would forget the word for lawnmower for example.  Around the same time I noticed I would drop things quite easily, which was out of character for me. The door keys, my phone, and other everyday objects would slip out of my grasp without me noticing. Then the final incident was a fortnight ago, when I was walking to the train station in the morning, when all of a sudden I was on wet muddy pavement, having fallen over for no apparent reason. This concerned my partner and I, and I googled what the symptoms could be. I know you shouldn’t ever do that. But I am glad I did. I then saw a GP immediately and was referred to a Neurologist who sent me for immediate tests and booked an MRI. The next day I spent 30mins in a MRI machine, listening to Linkin Park’s greatest hits in an attempt to drown out the noise. The results were back that evening, and I was given the all clear in regards to any tumours or things in my brain which shouldn’t be there. This was a relief to say the least. Further examinations will be required, but at least the big scary thing has been ruled out.

Two of the things which I feel I need to talk about are linked and will need to be addressed carefully out of respect for the people involved and the ongoing situation. It is to do with the death of someone in my extended family and the effect of their loss on a specific loved one in particular. The story is a heart-breaking one to tell, and still feels raw and surreal. The incident only happened seven days ago, and not all of the facts have emerged. Some reports are vague, others misleading and there are final parts of the event still to happen. But there are still actions that are needed from me and my family to keep things together for others. I will need to give more thought into that post, than opposed to my usual writing style.

One is a thing I am super excited about, but still completely scared of once again.

The final one will deal with another unexpected loss. However this time to someone I have never met, but whose influence had a huge impact. The way in which this individual died has triggered feelings in me which have caused me to reflect and be saddened by.

Once again, I hope that by writing these blogs, I can feel a sense of release. I feel annoyed at myself for only having this outlet. But it has helped in the past, hopefully it helps again.

#oktosay

It is said; that the first step in solving a problem, is admitting you have a problem. This statement can be applied to all of life’s issues. However finally admitting something to yourself can be easier said than done.

Sometimes there is a catalyst that sparks the admission.

For a friend of mine, it was when his partner saw his bank statement and saw how over drawn he had become in such a short space of time. His problem he hadn’t admitted – online gambling. He  had become obsessed by spinning an online roulette board, and placing bigger bets each time to claw back the losses which had originated in small 50pence stakes. He was lucky, it was £500 and something which didn’t cut a huge hole in their life. She was able to stop the problem before it ran out of control. However the trust had been demolished. He then had to fix things piece by piece. Out went the smart phone, all financial control handed to his partner, and in response for her forgiveness, he agreed to attend a Gambling Addiction group. Once there, he was shocked to see how things could have gone. There were men who had literally gambled their life away. Men who had literally lost it all.  He saw men who had turned to drugs and alcohol when they lost their home, their wife and their kids. Men who had attempted suicide and were there through desperation and a last call for help. He knew he had to learn from this. And he has done.

But why is it that as men, we only ask for help when it is too late?

When I first had the urge to write something down, it was I too was struggling with a problem that I couldn’t control. I was feeling low and felt compelled to tell a story. It was the story of my uncle and his struggle with Anxiety and Depression, which culminated in him taking his own life. Forever In Our Hearts.

Little did I know, or was really ready to accept that it was my way of dealing with my own anxiety and depression. I was deflecting what I was feeling in my own life, but needed to release some tension, and instead I opened up by telling someone else’s tale about their feelings.

I had named my son after my late uncle, who had taken his own life back in 1993 when I was only ten years old. The name wasn’t in tribute of the act he committed, but instead a representation of the love that I felt and still feel towards the man. However, after naming my son after him, I had inadvertently opened a wave of emotions, which had made question aspects of my own life.

I had felt a lot of anxiety regarding impending fatherhood before the birth of my son. Was I ready?  Were we as a couple ready? Did I know enough about myself and life in general? Would I be good enough? Would I let him down?

I was expecting a Lion King moment, where I would be beaming with pride and raise him aloft and present him to the world.  In my mind; I had created an anticipation of the wave of emotions which would consume me as soon as he was in my arms. But that didn’t happen. The initial emotion wasn’t the expected euphoria.

It was fear.

I think this was due to the dramatic nature of his arrival into the world. For hours upon hours nothing had really happened in the labour ward. So much so, that my partner and I were taking a nap, when we were woken by the sound of alarms and midwives and medical professionals filling the room, with an underlying sense of panic, with the instruction that our baby needed to come out immediately. In what seemed like a blur, he was out, my partner was high as a kite, there was a lot of blood, and before I knew what was going on, he was in my arms looking back at me.

I was calm for the early days, and felt immense pride in introducing him to family and friends. But soon I found myself very low and mentally beating myself up. Self-doubt and anxiety over shadowed the joy I should have been feeling. To pin point things, it would have been low self-confidence, money worries, stress, job unhappiness, family differences, negatively comparing myself to those around me, all compounded by a level of tiredness I hadn’t experienced before, making me unhappy and making me feel like I was failing as a man, and let alone a dad.

Time passed and I turned my mental state around and good things came my way. We are now 5 and half months pregnant again, our son is a happy two year old, and I am feeling positive for the future, but still in my mind is the fact that I could drop back down to a state of depression, that outwardly no one around me would predict.

I think all dads have these feelings, but as men we simply don't talk about them. We bottle things up. Getting things off of your chest, even if it's trivial, certainly helps.  Anyone can be affected by mental health problems, and admitting that to yourself does not make you any less of a man. Opening up to those around you can really make a difference. Quite often it is the people you would not consider label as a depressed, who are mentally beating themselves up day after day. There are literally hundreds of people in the public eye, who have battled inner demons. People that you would never expect. But they are exactly that. People. Humans. We are all human and all go though lifes ups and downs. The key is not let the downs consume you to a point of no return. To a point where you see no resolution apart from a final one.

It is great to see this exact issue being tackled by charities such as CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) and the great campaign Heads Together and the #OktoSay hashtag formed by Princes William and Harry to flag mental health awareness. You would never think members of the Royal Family would be depressed. But if you take away being a royal and all that comes with it, Prince Harry is a normal man, who suffered a huge loss at a young age, which has had a long term effect on his life. It has taken lots of courage for him to admit this.

 It seems the stigma is being removed from talking about your problems. With the members of the Royal family getting involved, it helps raise the message to a wider audience, which can only be a good thing.

If you are feeling low, reach out to people. If you see someone is not themselves, then open the conversation. They may reject it, or they may just open up and get a load off of their mind. It only takes a simple conversation to help people out.

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/about-heads-together/

https://www.thecalmzone.net/2017/03/progreenfreddieflintoff/

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/support/

The dust has settled and tears have dried...

Before I start, please proceed with caution reading this if you are one of the few people who are yet to see The Walking Dead Season 7 Episode 1.

In this post, I will avoid naming names and spoiling the episode. However, I don’t think there are people of the social media generation who have managed to avoid the spoilers. They are everywhere, and it is infuriating. But if you are one of these people, and have avoided the spoilers and yet you call yourself a fan of The Walking Dead, then WTF?!?!? How have you not seen the episode yet!??!

Ok so here goes... Warning over…

Under usual circumstances, we do not get the new episode of The Walking Dead here in the UK, until the day after it premieres in the US.

However such was the nature of the cliff-hanger at the end of Season 6, the executives at FOX decided to air the Premiere of Season 7 at 0230 on Monday morning– so it would air at the same time as it was broadcast in the US. The same strategy employed by the team at SKY regarding Game of Thrones.

I went to bed on Sunday evening, feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve. I knew that when I awoke, there would be a present for me, sitting on my PVR planner, delivered overnight by the Santa like people at FOX (AMC in the US).

I personally knew that I could not take the risk of seeing a spoiler, so decided set my PVR to record the 0230 transmission, and set my alarm to wake me up early on Monday morning to watch the episode at 5am, before my partner and baby wake up, and before I needed to start getting ready for work. I knew that someone on social media or a news outlet would have posted something, and I wasn’t going to let the agonising six month wait that was almost over, be ruined by someone else.

In the week leading up to the premiere, there had been prominent marketing from the channel and programming itself about fans not spoiling the episode for other fans, unfortunately this wasn't hugely successful, as once fans had seen the show, their initial reaction was to flood social media outlets with their views, and to communicate their emotions with like minded people. It is inevitable and impossible to police.

I was up before the sunrise, settled in my comfy clothes, ready and waiting with anticipation for what was about to come. We already knew something BIG was going to happen. We had seen it from that characters point of view six months ago. But the question was who?

Soon the question we had been agonising over, the question which had led to the creation of hundreds of YouTube theory videos, the question we had been discussing on social media and talking about with friends and loved ones had been answered.

We knew the identity of Negan’s victim.

The Walking Dead was back in all of its gory ultra-violent glory, and was back with a huge bang. Well more than one bang. More like repetitive strikes of Negan’s barbed wire wrapped baseball bat named Lucille.

The dust has settled, tears have dried and the realisation of what I witnessed has sunken in. Opinions have been formed, reaction videos uploaded, online & print reviews posted and verbal discussions have occurred all over the world. But for the majority, the line between real life and TV has been crossed. As a viewer we, our main group of protagonists suffered hugely in this episode. So much so, that the show will have a completely new direction after this episode.

Personally, I felt a sense of bereavement and grief at watching this episode, as if it was somebody that I knew who had passed away, and not just a fictional character in long running television series about surviving in a zombie apocalypse. I had invested years of my life in supporting this group. So what happened really hit me hard.

The reviews of this episode have been mixed. Some fans have loved it for twisting the narrative, for breaking the character of Rick Grimes, and leaving the show with a new avenue to travel down in season 7. Others fans were left disgusted at the level of gore and violence, labelling the episode as “torture porn masquerading as storytelling”

I guess it depends on how you see your level of association with the programme. Super fans will have loved it, and every day casual fans may have been totally turned off. If you had viewed from the start, you will have seen the group’s struggles gain in intensity over the seasons, and the same can be said for the violence and suffering that they have suffered and imparted as the seasons have progressed. Some people have stated on social media that they will no longer watch the show. In my view this is just ridiculous. If you have invested years into something as graphic as TWD, then although this episode was shocking, it is not beyond the realms of what this show has been capable of. We have seen beheadings a plenty, a son killing his mother, a crossbow arrow to the eye, torture and cannibalism to mention just a few shock factor moments.

Such is the contrast of the critiques, that that the governing body who regulate what can or can’t go on television here in the UK, OFCOM, received complaints after people viewed the 0230 transmission, which lead to FOX having to make minor edits to the 2100 screening, to make it more compliant with the regulations. 

One of these edits appeared to remove one character's very poignant last words to another character, which led to confusion, as that particular line "I'll find you" was discussed in the talk show Talking Dead which airs immediately after the 9pm showing on FOX UK.

Although left depressed and in a mood of reflection after this episode, in my opinion it did everything that I wanted it to. I found out who the victim was after a long six months, I was left jaw wide open at certain things which happened, and I cannot wait to see how this season progresses from here.

I was in awe of some of the acting performances in this episode, notably Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Negan, and Andrew Lincoln as Rick. The way  they played their interactions was exactly what was needed, and completley believable. Notable mention to Lauren Cohen as Maggie, expressed what everyone at home was feeling. 

The episode is on track to be the highest performing show ever on FOX UK, and after spending three years working for the channel, I am delighted that they are receiving figures like that. The show continues to grow in the UK, with a 59% increase on viewing figures from the opening episode of season 6. Amazing numbers for a channel such as FOX, and a great place for advertisers to align themselves.

The Walking Dead airs on FOX UK @ 9pm on Mondays. – Not sure if they will continue to simulcast with the US for future episodes.

Songs to hear again before I die...

Music does something to people, like no other form of entertainment can do. It captivates and floods your senses with memories and emotions. 

Although universal, it can be extremely personal, and despite being written for a completely different reason, we can take the song, interpret it and make it our own. We all have our favourite songs, favourite bands/artists, and the reason we like them is down to our own unique tastes.

I am one of the few people who is still rocking an iPod, and unlike other iPods I have owned in the past, my current one I have had for ten years and seems to be indestructible. It is my friend on my commute to work, my company when I am out running, and my entertainment on long drives around the country. Seeing as it is now ten years old,  I decided it needed a freshen up!

With that thought I decided to clean up my iTunes account, and remove the songs that I simply do not listen to anymore. I have been slowly building my iTunes library for the last ten years, and my music collection is extremely varied. There are songs which have had zero plays in all the years  that they have been in my account, probably due to me not be interested in them from the start.. So they went to the recycle bin.

The process was therapeutic, and as I played the various of tracks from the various genres that I had created over the years – Pop, RnB, Garage, Hip Hop/Rap, Oldies, Rock, Indie,  Classic Dance, Opera, WWE Theme Tunes etc, I found myself reminiscing on who that song reminds me of, or  where I first heard certain songs, or what I was going through in my life when that song came along.

There were literally hundreds and hundreds of songs on my iTunes which mean the world to me. Some of  them for the good times, and some for the sad times. 

Songs can instantly move you, and change your mind state. 

"Your Not Alone" by Olive, automatically brings me back to the period when my grandmother sadly lost her battle with cancer among other illnesses in our house after spending her final few months living with us when I was fourteen. She fought so courageously, and this song was so prominent on the radio at that time. The lyric of waiting til the end of time for someone, impacted me as I feel I will see her again at the end of my time.

"Hit Em Up" by 2Pac, reminds me of sitting on a wall next to my high school bus stop in 1997, being introduced to gangster rap by my friend Phil, who educated me on the East Coast/West Coast beef, a school friend who would only a year or two later be killed in a tragic car accident. Someone who I looked up to as a teenager, who never knew what those bus stop music lessons would go on to mean to me. He was the first experience of death of a young person that I would experience. It shocked the local community to the core, and I often find myself thinking about Phil to this day. He was a great kid and certainly gone too soon.

"You Got It" by Roy Orbison, takes me back to my childhood, and time spent in my parent's bedroom, my mum singing it to me as I helped her change the bed sheets (it’s weird what you recall after all the years!). This song is the song which reminds me of my Mum.

"Suspicious Mind"s by Elvis – automatically brings my Dad to mind, as he had sung that song at every karaoke event we ever attended throughout my childhood and teenage years. He may sing it out of time, and not in the same way that The King did, but its my Dads song, and I hope to hear him sing it in the months and years to come.

"Paradise" by Coldplay, taking me back to a specific day spent in Koh Phi Phi in Thailand in 2012, in which we went onto a longboat out to Maya Bay, the scene for Leonard Di Caprio film – The Beach. It was stunning and one of the happiest days of my life. It was that day that I made a specific decision about my return to the UK after living in the UAE for two years, and gave serious though about the type of people I wanted in my life, and more importantly – those I didn’t. This was going to be a new start for me and this song is symbolic of that day for me.

I therefore decided to go about creating a playlist of all of the songs which mean something to me; a playlist of songs that I simply HAVE to listen to again and again as the years roll on.

The playlist is entitled: ‘Songs to hear again before I die’. Here is a list in no particular order of just a few of of them:

1.       Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac

2.       My Destiny – Lionel Richie

3.       Only You – 112, Puff Daddy, Notorious BIG & Mase

4.       I Cant Make You Love Me – Tank

5.       You Got It – Roy Orbison

6.       Suspicious Minds – Elvis

7.       Hit Em Up – 2Pac

8.       Paradise – Coldplay

9.       My Girl – The Temptations

10.   Stand By Me – Ben E King

11.   Jump Around – House of Pain

12.   Mirros – Justin Timerlake

13.   Hero – Foo Fighters

14.   Colourblind – Counting Crows

15.   Baby I Love Your Way – Big Mountain

16.   In The End – Linkin Park

17.   World In Motion – New Order

18.   Hypnotise – Notorious BIG

19.   Wonderwall – Oasis

20.   You’ve Got It – Simply Red

21.   How Will I Know – Whitney Houston

22.   Sacrifice – Elton John

23.   Days of our Lives – Queen

24.   Time to Say Good bye – Andrea Bocelli & Sarah Brightman

25.   Candy – Paolo Nutini

26.   My Immortal – Evanesence

27.   It’s the Way – Future Underground Nation

28.   A Million Love Song – Take That

29.   Pompei – Bastille

30.   Songbird – Eva Cassidy

31.   Vibe – R.Kelly

32.   Let Her Go – Passenger

33.   I See Fire – Ed Sheeran

34.   Smooth Criminal – Michael Jackson

35.   Other Side – Red Hot Chilli Peppers

 Have you made a similar track list of songs you have to hear again before your days are over?

Life will change in an instant...

For a lot of men, there comes a point in your life, when people tell you that life will change forever and that things will never be the same again, they are right. It won’t. Life will change in an instant. For you are about to become a Daddy, and it is the best thing in the world.

From the day your partner tells you the news, to the agonising wait for the first scan, and then every week leading up to the birth, you may feel levels of anxiety that you may not have felt before. You may question your life choices to date and whether you are actually ready for the next chapter in your life.  You shouldn’t because you are ready. 

You may have doubts over your income, and whether your maturity levels are acceptable of that of a soon to be father.  Income can rise over time but you may always stay an immature kid at heart, but that wont make you a bad Dad. Your partner will be full of knowledge, and you may wonder what the f**k is going on not knowing a thing. But rest assured you will not be the first in feeling that way, and that you will be surprised at what will come naturally.

In order to not feel like you know nothing like Jon Snow, you may decide to do some reading beforehand. You will find that books will either be very educational, or overly blokeish and laddy, trying to be comical. Depending on the style that works for you, it can certainly be beneficial to get some reading in, just so that things aren’t a total mystery to you. For a nice easy read, I recommend The Expectant Dads Survival Guide.

The attention will be solely on your Mrs from the time you announce the pregnancy (usually after your 12 week scan) and you need to accept that. You have done your job. Let her have her time to shine. Your job from here on is to be her support, learn your stuff, and make sure things are as stress free as possible. You simply need to do the right thing and be there for her. Make the most of her and enjoy eachother. My only main advice for parents to- be, is to make the most of the time you have as a couple. Because before you know it, you will be part of a treble (or more!), and taking babies to spa breaks, romantic weekends away, theatre and the cinema is sort of frowned upon. Get the date nights in before bubba arrives. 

Because once baby is here, a night out together will be a thing of the past. :(

When the time arrives and your baby is enroute, it is time for you to really step up. Your bags should have been packed, pram & car seat should be in the car, the route to hospital should be planned and it is now your time to shine. My tip would be to download the parking app (if there is one for your hospital) to save yourself time paying in the car park. Once inside, you will need to stay calm and supportive, and communicate clearly with the medical staff and family members texting and calling for updates every few minutes.

Understand your partners wishes in advance, but be prepared for any birthing plans etc to get thrown out of the window if things go a certain way. Despite the sheer confusion and panic which you may feel, your partner needs you now, and needs you to step up and be there. Brace yourself to feel totally helpless when things start happening. There is nothing you can do, and you should not think that you know best. You don’t. The professional medical staff do. They will have delivered hundreds of babies. You probably haven’t even watched a full episode of ‘One Born Every Minute’ - let them do their jobs, and stay out of the way.

Your partner will need you. You will hold her hand, you will stroke her hair, you will tell her how well she is doing and most above all, you will offer positive encouragement.  You will see her going through agony that you cannot even fathom, and you will see her in a totally different light than you ever have before. Before you know it, things will be in full swing and baby will be minutes away from being born. The staff will be in and out of the room, and you may feel like everything has gone a little surreal.

When my son was born, he had to be delivered promptly due to his heart rate dropping. I had no idea at this point what the hell was going on, but I knew that my Mrs needed me, and I needed to be calm, despite my own heart rate going through the roof. The midwives, doctors and other staff are yelling their encouragement, and readying themselves for the arrival. “Three pushes Katie, your baby needs to be out in three pushes” is something I will remember for my whole life.

Everything seemed a blur. There were screams, there were things I saw that can not be unseen, there was anxiety and there was fear.

And then he was out. And he was crying. 

It was 16:12 on March 13^th 2015 and he was here. I was a Daddy.

After controlling my bottom lip and wiping the tears from my eyes, I kissed my partner and told her how amazing she had done, and how much I loved her. Before I know it, my top was off and I am holding my son on my chest, skin to skin, with his little eyes looking up at me, feeling the warmest, proudest, most emotional I have ever been in my life. At that moment I promised him that I would do everything I ever can to make him have the happiest most fulfilled life that I possibly can. 

In those moments, I graduated from being a 30year old boy, to becoming a 30year old man. Life had certainly changed.  The room cleared, and it was just the three of us. My family. I looked out of window, with my son in my arms, and as clichéd as it seems, I told him the world was his, and that he would bring much love and happiness to many people in it. 

That evening he met his grandparents, and by midnight I was told to leave by the midwives. Despite my protests, they assured me that my partner and son were in good hands. And I trusted them. They had brought him into the world safely and looked after my partner when she needed them. Despite still feeling today that I should have stayed with them on the ward, in hindsight I was so grateful that I went home and had a full nights sleep. That drive home was something I will never forget. I was in a state of shock. I was up at 6am, having not moved in my bed all night, and I returned to the hospital for the first real day of parenting. We were lucky to be allowed home within 24hours of his birth. 

And it is then that the realisation kicks in. You are now parents, and this little baby is relying on you for everything.

My advice is simple, if people offer help, say yes. Even if that means simple things like bringing you dinner, or doing your washing etc. Let them. If family members want to sit with the baby to allow you to get some sleep, do it. Make the most of the help offered.

Two weeks paternity will fly by, and soon you will be back at work. Don’t expect a big song and dance. You aren’t the one who has given birth, so after the initial welcome back chats, you will be expected to be pulling your weight in the workplace. You will then go home after work and be expected to take over parental duties. The place may be a pig sty, but know that your mrs has been non stop at home looking after your baby.   

If you are like me, you will no longer yearn to be out with the boys every weekend, as the little bundle of joy in your arms will have stolen your heart, and will be the sole focus in your life, but make sure you get time in the diary to see your friends and have some time for you. Just as your partner will need time for herself too if possible.

People will tell you to get your sleep in advance of the birth, as if it is something that can be stockpiled. The truth is that you and your partner will be shattered beyond belief. It is how you manage the tiredness and communication between each other in these moments of sheer exhaustion which will be important. My partner and I made a deal, that anything that was said in a heated argument at 3am would be forgotten by sunrise. You are not you, when you are tired. She will not be her usual self when she is tired either. Let it go and move on.

Life will have changed, but it will have changed for the better. The fun will have started, but I promise, there is so much more to come. There will be highs, and there will be lows. Especially when your baby keeps eye contact with you the whole time they are straining to poop. However the love and pride you will feel will be like nothing you have ever experienced. Cherish every moment, as they are not babies for long!