Life will change in an instant...

For a lot of men, there comes a point in your life, when people tell you that life will change forever and that things will never be the same again, they are right. It won’t. Life will change in an instant. For you are about to become a Daddy, and it is the best thing in the world.

From the day your partner tells you the news, to the agonising wait for the first scan, and then every week leading up to the birth, you may feel levels of anxiety that you may not have felt before. You may question your life choices to date and whether you are actually ready for the next chapter in your life.  You shouldn’t because you are ready. 

You may have doubts over your income, and whether your maturity levels are acceptable of that of a soon to be father.  Income can rise over time but you may always stay an immature kid at heart, but that wont make you a bad Dad. Your partner will be full of knowledge, and you may wonder what the f**k is going on not knowing a thing. But rest assured you will not be the first in feeling that way, and that you will be surprised at what will come naturally.

In order to not feel like you know nothing like Jon Snow, you may decide to do some reading beforehand. You will find that books will either be very educational, or overly blokeish and laddy, trying to be comical. Depending on the style that works for you, it can certainly be beneficial to get some reading in, just so that things aren’t a total mystery to you. For a nice easy read, I recommend The Expectant Dads Survival Guide.

The attention will be solely on your Mrs from the time you announce the pregnancy (usually after your 12 week scan) and you need to accept that. You have done your job. Let her have her time to shine. Your job from here on is to be her support, learn your stuff, and make sure things are as stress free as possible. You simply need to do the right thing and be there for her. Make the most of her and enjoy eachother. My only main advice for parents to- be, is to make the most of the time you have as a couple. Because before you know it, you will be part of a treble (or more!), and taking babies to spa breaks, romantic weekends away, theatre and the cinema is sort of frowned upon. Get the date nights in before bubba arrives. 

Because once baby is here, a night out together will be a thing of the past. :(

When the time arrives and your baby is enroute, it is time for you to really step up. Your bags should have been packed, pram & car seat should be in the car, the route to hospital should be planned and it is now your time to shine. My tip would be to download the parking app (if there is one for your hospital) to save yourself time paying in the car park. Once inside, you will need to stay calm and supportive, and communicate clearly with the medical staff and family members texting and calling for updates every few minutes.

Understand your partners wishes in advance, but be prepared for any birthing plans etc to get thrown out of the window if things go a certain way. Despite the sheer confusion and panic which you may feel, your partner needs you now, and needs you to step up and be there. Brace yourself to feel totally helpless when things start happening. There is nothing you can do, and you should not think that you know best. You don’t. The professional medical staff do. They will have delivered hundreds of babies. You probably haven’t even watched a full episode of ‘One Born Every Minute’ - let them do their jobs, and stay out of the way.

Your partner will need you. You will hold her hand, you will stroke her hair, you will tell her how well she is doing and most above all, you will offer positive encouragement.  You will see her going through agony that you cannot even fathom, and you will see her in a totally different light than you ever have before. Before you know it, things will be in full swing and baby will be minutes away from being born. The staff will be in and out of the room, and you may feel like everything has gone a little surreal.

When my son was born, he had to be delivered promptly due to his heart rate dropping. I had no idea at this point what the hell was going on, but I knew that my Mrs needed me, and I needed to be calm, despite my own heart rate going through the roof. The midwives, doctors and other staff are yelling their encouragement, and readying themselves for the arrival. “Three pushes Katie, your baby needs to be out in three pushes” is something I will remember for my whole life.

Everything seemed a blur. There were screams, there were things I saw that can not be unseen, there was anxiety and there was fear.

And then he was out. And he was crying. 

It was 16:12 on March 13^th 2015 and he was here. I was a Daddy.

After controlling my bottom lip and wiping the tears from my eyes, I kissed my partner and told her how amazing she had done, and how much I loved her. Before I know it, my top was off and I am holding my son on my chest, skin to skin, with his little eyes looking up at me, feeling the warmest, proudest, most emotional I have ever been in my life. At that moment I promised him that I would do everything I ever can to make him have the happiest most fulfilled life that I possibly can. 

In those moments, I graduated from being a 30year old boy, to becoming a 30year old man. Life had certainly changed.  The room cleared, and it was just the three of us. My family. I looked out of window, with my son in my arms, and as clichéd as it seems, I told him the world was his, and that he would bring much love and happiness to many people in it. 

That evening he met his grandparents, and by midnight I was told to leave by the midwives. Despite my protests, they assured me that my partner and son were in good hands. And I trusted them. They had brought him into the world safely and looked after my partner when she needed them. Despite still feeling today that I should have stayed with them on the ward, in hindsight I was so grateful that I went home and had a full nights sleep. That drive home was something I will never forget. I was in a state of shock. I was up at 6am, having not moved in my bed all night, and I returned to the hospital for the first real day of parenting. We were lucky to be allowed home within 24hours of his birth. 

And it is then that the realisation kicks in. You are now parents, and this little baby is relying on you for everything.

My advice is simple, if people offer help, say yes. Even if that means simple things like bringing you dinner, or doing your washing etc. Let them. If family members want to sit with the baby to allow you to get some sleep, do it. Make the most of the help offered.

Two weeks paternity will fly by, and soon you will be back at work. Don’t expect a big song and dance. You aren’t the one who has given birth, so after the initial welcome back chats, you will be expected to be pulling your weight in the workplace. You will then go home after work and be expected to take over parental duties. The place may be a pig sty, but know that your mrs has been non stop at home looking after your baby.   

If you are like me, you will no longer yearn to be out with the boys every weekend, as the little bundle of joy in your arms will have stolen your heart, and will be the sole focus in your life, but make sure you get time in the diary to see your friends and have some time for you. Just as your partner will need time for herself too if possible.

People will tell you to get your sleep in advance of the birth, as if it is something that can be stockpiled. The truth is that you and your partner will be shattered beyond belief. It is how you manage the tiredness and communication between each other in these moments of sheer exhaustion which will be important. My partner and I made a deal, that anything that was said in a heated argument at 3am would be forgotten by sunrise. You are not you, when you are tired. She will not be her usual self when she is tired either. Let it go and move on.

Life will have changed, but it will have changed for the better. The fun will have started, but I promise, there is so much more to come. There will be highs, and there will be lows. Especially when your baby keeps eye contact with you the whole time they are straining to poop. However the love and pride you will feel will be like nothing you have ever experienced. Cherish every moment, as they are not babies for long!

Lightning Could Strike..

It is weird how as people, our lives can be so effected by someone else.

Whether it be the love of your life sweeping you off of your feet, the birth of your child instantly maturing you, someone doing you a kind deed, or even something such as someone’s creativity or talent moving you emotionally.

We all have impacts on those around us. Even if we do not necessarily realise that we do.

Pieces of music, a singer’s voice, a piece of cinema, acting in television, film or stage, an artist’s vision, or even sporting brilliance can absolutely captivate you. For me, it is music and film.

The emotions that one can feel when they are attached to something creative like these forms of entertainment can range so much, you can be elevated up to the highest level, or crushed all in something you have observed.

I can be taken away somewhere by a great film, or a piece of music/certain song can just change my emotions completely. As a man approaching his 33^rd birthday, I feel more emotion towards certain songs and movies now, than I ever have.

The other night, Meet Joe Black was on television. A film I must have seen ten times or more. Each and every time, there are certain scenes, where the score absolutely breaks me. The soundtrack removes me from watching the film, removes me from real life, and instead plays out emotions in my own movie in my thought process.

In the film, Death who has taken the form of a young man (Brad Pitt), who falls in love with the daughter (Claire Forlani) of the man he has asked to show and teach him about life (Anthony Hopkins). Earlier in the film, we see the young man and the daughter meet in the coffee shop, with a clear chemistry between the two. There is a clear dilemma at the goodbye. We see them both repeatedly looking over their shoulder and spinning on their heels, both wanting but reluctant to go back to the other to confront the emotions they feel. All before going their separate ways, which leads to him being hit by a car before Death takes his body. (Apologies for the spoiler, but the film is nearly twenty years old – so I am assuming you have seen it already!) 

We have all had similar dilemmas in our lives. It those crossroads moments in life. Go one way and life goes in a certain direction, go the other way and life goes completely the opposite. It is the choices we make when we encounter these crossroads, which can define the rest of our life. For me this film, this music reminds me of my crossroads in my past, which have led me to where I am now.

It perfectly captures the essence of the story that it is telling somehow. The love, the fear and the pain. We have all been in love, and we have all been bereaved. Somehow both things come to mind when I hear this. 

I think of my girlfriend. That if I hadn’t have spoken to her that day at the train station in London, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and my beautiful son wouldn’t be here 8 years later. I think of my past loves. I think of the impact each have had on my life and the road that my life has travelled down. For example, if one of my exes hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have ended up going to university. I wouldn’t have met by best friend etc. Her action lead to my immediate reaction to remove myself from that place in my life. It was a crossroads moment.

In the same breath, that one piece of music, makes me think of the people who are no longer with us. I mostly think of both of my Grandparents. I wish they had been in my life longer. I wish they would have seen the man that I grew up to be.  My grandmothers were beautiful, hardworking, proud, determined, family women. They gave everything to raise their family and protect their loved ones.  My grandfathers worked to the bone, had great humour, kindness, generosity and were perfect gentlemen. These are the qualities I want to inherit and teach my son. The character played by Anthony Hopkins, who is tasked with showing Death life on earth,  is everything you would expect a proud family man to be. He wants to know he has done his best and that his family will be ok without him. He wants to use his crossroads to take the time to be with those around him.

I see the same qualities in Hopkins character, as I do in my own father. I know he is soon to be approaching a crossroads in terms of his treatment for his illness. He is eagerly trying to ensure that everything is sorted for the rest of us, but all we want is for him to be healthy and happy. For him to spend as many healthy and happy days with our mum. We want him to live for now, because we know how he approaches whichever road he decides to go down will have long term effects on the rest of us. 

This one piece of music and even the film itself makes me think of all of these things. However, when I sit back and really consider what that emotive music does to me, I think overall it makes me think of love and life. It makes me realise that you have to live for the day. Crossroads in life will come and go, but it is the actions of now that really count.

And like the young man says… ‘Lightning could strike’.

The piece of music I mentioned is the first 5 minutes of That Next Place composed by Thomas Newman.

The End of Maternity Leave...

Today marks the last day of my partner’s maternity leave. To most people without kids, it simply means that this is the last day of her year off of work. But to her, and to other mothers like her, it is a day that they have been dreading since the baby arrived in the world.

For the past twelve months, she has been the primary care giver to our young son. She has spent every waking and many sleeping hours at his every noise, need and movement. She has nursed him, cared for him, cried for him, cried with him, been his doctor, loved him unconditionally and given him every ounce of her being. Yet for her, the hardest part of it all, is that from next Monday, the responsibility is to be shared out with other people. 

Our son will attend nursery one day per week, and will be looked after by his grandmothers for one day each. Although my partner is only back to work part time, there is a definite anxiety on her behalf, that I am sure is shared by all new mothers returning to work. I assume that it is facing up to the realisation that our son will be influenced by other people in the days, weeks and months to come, and that she will not be there for him 24/7 as she has been for the past year.

From my perspective, as a father, I can say that maternity leave has been tough. I wish I could have been around more, but only getting two weeks off of work when he was born, has meant I am used to leaving the house before dark, to return for when he is crying and ready for bed. I got used to only having time with him either as soon as I woke up for five minutes before getting ready for work, or at night time when I feed him his bottle and lay him down to sleep. Main quality time comes at the weekend. It is sad, but I have had to get used to it.  I have taken the full financial burden during this time, and wanted my partner to fully focus on our son. I was happy when my partner decide to only go back to work part time, as I wanted her to be heavily involved in our sons life. My mother didn’t work for 18 years when my sister and I were children, and in an ideal world, if it was her choice, I wouldn’t want my partner to have to work either. But unfortunately we are not in that financial position. I have not exerted any pressure to return to work, and we accept that money will continue to be tight as we move forward.

It has been tough to see her go through so many emotions during the twelve months. He has various allergies, intolerances, and since he was born it has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and my partner has handled everything in her stride. She is scared that she is losing him. But in reality is she simply sharing him, allowing him to continue to grow, develop and learn.

Our son is so curious to the world around him. He has developed into a cheeky, happy, healthy, inquisitive, funny, caring and loving little boy, who is bringing so much happiness to those around him. We are extremely blessed and fortunate. I will be forever grateful for all of the things that my partner has done during these twelve months. Truth be told, I would have been lost without her.

To my Kate,

 Thank you for all that you have done, and continue to do to looking after us all. We will get through the next few weeks, and things will seem normal again in no time. I love you, you are beautiful, and you are an amazing Mum. Your colleagues will be glad to have you back, and your clients can hear all about how amazing our baby boy is.

I know that these next few weeks will be full of anxiety, fear, and a longing to be back with our boy. I am aware that Sunday night will feel like the first day back at school multiplied by a thousand. I know that Monday will be one of the hardest days you will have had. But know that our boy will be there waiting for you when you get home from work, and he will have the biggest smile on his face when he sees you. Our son may not be our little baby for much longer, but the exciting journey as parents is in theory just beginning. Bring on the walking, talking, and toddler stages!

I do not think you know just how much I appreciate all that you have done. You are an amazing mother, and will always be. xxx