Life will change in an instant...

For a lot of men, there comes a point in your life, when people tell you that life will change forever and that things will never be the same again, they are right. It won’t. Life will change in an instant. For you are about to become a Daddy, and it is the best thing in the world.

From the day your partner tells you the news, to the agonising wait for the first scan, and then every week leading up to the birth, you may feel levels of anxiety that you may not have felt before. You may question your life choices to date and whether you are actually ready for the next chapter in your life.  You shouldn’t because you are ready. 

You may have doubts over your income, and whether your maturity levels are acceptable of that of a soon to be father.  Income can rise over time but you may always stay an immature kid at heart, but that wont make you a bad Dad. Your partner will be full of knowledge, and you may wonder what the f**k is going on not knowing a thing. But rest assured you will not be the first in feeling that way, and that you will be surprised at what will come naturally.

In order to not feel like you know nothing like Jon Snow, you may decide to do some reading beforehand. You will find that books will either be very educational, or overly blokeish and laddy, trying to be comical. Depending on the style that works for you, it can certainly be beneficial to get some reading in, just so that things aren’t a total mystery to you. For a nice easy read, I recommend The Expectant Dads Survival Guide.

The attention will be solely on your Mrs from the time you announce the pregnancy (usually after your 12 week scan) and you need to accept that. You have done your job. Let her have her time to shine. Your job from here on is to be her support, learn your stuff, and make sure things are as stress free as possible. You simply need to do the right thing and be there for her. Make the most of her and enjoy eachother. My only main advice for parents to- be, is to make the most of the time you have as a couple. Because before you know it, you will be part of a treble (or more!), and taking babies to spa breaks, romantic weekends away, theatre and the cinema is sort of frowned upon. Get the date nights in before bubba arrives. 

Because once baby is here, a night out together will be a thing of the past. :(

When the time arrives and your baby is enroute, it is time for you to really step up. Your bags should have been packed, pram & car seat should be in the car, the route to hospital should be planned and it is now your time to shine. My tip would be to download the parking app (if there is one for your hospital) to save yourself time paying in the car park. Once inside, you will need to stay calm and supportive, and communicate clearly with the medical staff and family members texting and calling for updates every few minutes.

Understand your partners wishes in advance, but be prepared for any birthing plans etc to get thrown out of the window if things go a certain way. Despite the sheer confusion and panic which you may feel, your partner needs you now, and needs you to step up and be there. Brace yourself to feel totally helpless when things start happening. There is nothing you can do, and you should not think that you know best. You don’t. The professional medical staff do. They will have delivered hundreds of babies. You probably haven’t even watched a full episode of ‘One Born Every Minute’ - let them do their jobs, and stay out of the way.

Your partner will need you. You will hold her hand, you will stroke her hair, you will tell her how well she is doing and most above all, you will offer positive encouragement.  You will see her going through agony that you cannot even fathom, and you will see her in a totally different light than you ever have before. Before you know it, things will be in full swing and baby will be minutes away from being born. The staff will be in and out of the room, and you may feel like everything has gone a little surreal.

When my son was born, he had to be delivered promptly due to his heart rate dropping. I had no idea at this point what the hell was going on, but I knew that my Mrs needed me, and I needed to be calm, despite my own heart rate going through the roof. The midwives, doctors and other staff are yelling their encouragement, and readying themselves for the arrival. “Three pushes Katie, your baby needs to be out in three pushes” is something I will remember for my whole life.

Everything seemed a blur. There were screams, there were things I saw that can not be unseen, there was anxiety and there was fear.

And then he was out. And he was crying. 

It was 16:12 on March 13^th 2015 and he was here. I was a Daddy.

After controlling my bottom lip and wiping the tears from my eyes, I kissed my partner and told her how amazing she had done, and how much I loved her. Before I know it, my top was off and I am holding my son on my chest, skin to skin, with his little eyes looking up at me, feeling the warmest, proudest, most emotional I have ever been in my life. At that moment I promised him that I would do everything I ever can to make him have the happiest most fulfilled life that I possibly can. 

In those moments, I graduated from being a 30year old boy, to becoming a 30year old man. Life had certainly changed.  The room cleared, and it was just the three of us. My family. I looked out of window, with my son in my arms, and as clichéd as it seems, I told him the world was his, and that he would bring much love and happiness to many people in it. 

That evening he met his grandparents, and by midnight I was told to leave by the midwives. Despite my protests, they assured me that my partner and son were in good hands. And I trusted them. They had brought him into the world safely and looked after my partner when she needed them. Despite still feeling today that I should have stayed with them on the ward, in hindsight I was so grateful that I went home and had a full nights sleep. That drive home was something I will never forget. I was in a state of shock. I was up at 6am, having not moved in my bed all night, and I returned to the hospital for the first real day of parenting. We were lucky to be allowed home within 24hours of his birth. 

And it is then that the realisation kicks in. You are now parents, and this little baby is relying on you for everything.

My advice is simple, if people offer help, say yes. Even if that means simple things like bringing you dinner, or doing your washing etc. Let them. If family members want to sit with the baby to allow you to get some sleep, do it. Make the most of the help offered.

Two weeks paternity will fly by, and soon you will be back at work. Don’t expect a big song and dance. You aren’t the one who has given birth, so after the initial welcome back chats, you will be expected to be pulling your weight in the workplace. You will then go home after work and be expected to take over parental duties. The place may be a pig sty, but know that your mrs has been non stop at home looking after your baby.   

If you are like me, you will no longer yearn to be out with the boys every weekend, as the little bundle of joy in your arms will have stolen your heart, and will be the sole focus in your life, but make sure you get time in the diary to see your friends and have some time for you. Just as your partner will need time for herself too if possible.

People will tell you to get your sleep in advance of the birth, as if it is something that can be stockpiled. The truth is that you and your partner will be shattered beyond belief. It is how you manage the tiredness and communication between each other in these moments of sheer exhaustion which will be important. My partner and I made a deal, that anything that was said in a heated argument at 3am would be forgotten by sunrise. You are not you, when you are tired. She will not be her usual self when she is tired either. Let it go and move on.

Life will have changed, but it will have changed for the better. The fun will have started, but I promise, there is so much more to come. There will be highs, and there will be lows. Especially when your baby keeps eye contact with you the whole time they are straining to poop. However the love and pride you will feel will be like nothing you have ever experienced. Cherish every moment, as they are not babies for long!

Read All About It...

A few months back, I couldn’t seem to break away from feeling down in the dumps. For a good month or two, I was feeling really quite low and what some would describe as depressed. I was beating myself up mentally. If I tried to list what was making me feeling down, I could have easily reeled off ten things without stopping for breath. Of these issues, many were things that I have absolutely no control over. 

I thought I was failing as a man, failing as a parent & failing as a partner. I felt as if I should be doing far better in everything than I am doing.  I couldn’t pin point one thing which was getting me down. Instead it was just anything and everything. I was waking up and just knowing that the day ahead was going to be a shit day. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I needed to get myself out of the mind-set that was starting to take hold.

Watch the Documentary here

At the same time, I saw a documentary on BBC Three – Professor Green: Suicide and Me. I watched attentively as we saw the rapper - Pro Green (real name Stephen Manderson) open up and show us an extremely private, emotional side to him, which as a fan, showed just how he managed to write some of the extremely moving lyrics to many of his tracks. 

Read All About It featuring Emeli Sande is his biggest hit to date. I cant listen to that song without thinking of the real reason behind it, and relating that story to my own life. It is weird how music and certain songs can immediately put you into a certain mind state. Emeli Sande's solo version of the song was picked up by the 2012 London Olympics and was performed at the closing ceremony. But many of the Olympic fans probably didn’t know the real inspiration behind the song being written initially was Manderson’s father committing suicide.

The documentary showed the rapper dealing with the pain that his father’s passing had on him and his family members. It made me think more and more about the pain in my own family. It is not something that we feel comfortable talking about. As I have got older, I have related further to my late uncle and wondered what went through his mind in the lead up to taking his own life aged 41.

Manderson met with the charity CALM, who I had first heard of listening to the Tottenham football podcast ‘The Fighting Cock’. It emphasized the great job that they are doing.

In the coming days, I decided that in order to get myself out of my current slump, I needed a way get back to normal. A way to better express my emotions. Although I was reluctant to label myself as anything else than feeling down, I pondered if this could be the start of a longer running issue with depression. I was tempted to use the anonymous chat service that CALM offer. Instead I decided to write my something down. I didn’t know what I would write. So I decided to tell my story. My own version of the documentary I had seen.

That led me to what became my first blog post. Forever In Our Hearts.

I felt good to write something down. I had always enjoyed writing as a kid. I then decided that perhaps this could be my way out. This could be the release I needed. I decided to share this with the editor of the CALM website, as they stated they were looking writers. Days passed, and I didn’t hear anything. I assumed it wasn’t something they were interested in. I am not even sure why I submitted it to them. I wasn’t looking for attention. I wasn’t looking to achieve anything. I just wanted someone to hear the story. There was a definite release in writing something down.

My story: Forever In Our Hearts - on the homepage of CALM's website.

I decided that if there was a subject that I wasn’t able to discuss with those around me, I would write about it. So I made a blog. I was able to create every aspect, and design it exactly how I wanted. I decided it would be solely for those who follow me on twitter. I wasn’t going to share it with family or friends on my Facebook page. 

My story on the CALM Facebook page

On Tuesday, my story went live on the CALM website, and yesterday they placed it onto their Facebook page. It was surreal seeing my story on the main page of a charity so established in their field. It made me feel proud that the story I wanted to tell could be shared with people who have been through the same thing, or show people who are in a dark place that their potential actions will have a knock on effect in ways that they cannot even imagine. 

 I wasn’t able to press the like button on Facebook, as my contacts would see my activity. My immediate friends and family haven’t seen my writing, and I do not know how my mum and dad in particular, would react to what I have written.

My blog is now on its way to 1000 hits, which is completely overwhelming. I am in a far better place mentally, and I although I have dark days, for the most part I am feeling good. I think a large part of that is down to enjoying writing again.

Lyrics from 'Read All About It'
 

Dear dad,
As a kid I looked up to you,
Only thing was I never saw enough of you.
The last thing I said to you was I hated you,
I loved you and now it's too late to say to you.

Just didn't know what to do or how to deal with it,
Even now deep down I'm still livid.
To think, I used to blame me,
I wondered what I did to you to make you hate me.
I wasn't even 5, life's a journey and mine wasn't an easy ride,
You never even got to see me rhyme,
I just wished you would have reached out
I wish you would've been round when I'd been down.
I wish that you could see me now,
Wherever you are I really hope you found peace.
But know that if I ever have kids,

Ill never let them be without me.

 

If you or anyone you know is feeling low, there are people they can talk to. CALM are there 365 days a year. https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/