A Stream of Consciousness..

As I sit down to allow a brief stream of consciousness to leave my fingertips into my computer, there is a lot that I feel I need to, and can write about at the moment. For quite a while I have struggled with what to write about with this blog. The blog itself has served as my release of emotions when I have needed it to. Although I have dear friends, I do not necessarily have a large network of people around me of whom I can confide in about certain sort of things. Only recently have I found a few people in the workplace who have shown a considerable caring nature towards my happiness, and who have encouraged me to get things off of my chest.

However despite this, I have still avoided writing this post if I am honest.

It is hard to describe to people the emotions I have been feeling in the past ten days or so. Never in my life have I felt so unsure and unsettled, compared to these preceding days.

There have been four huge things which are ongoing which are, and will be, major events in my life.

Then there has been one event which has served as a trigger to my negative mind state. All five together at the same time, and the result is that my head is a little all over the place. So I think it is important that I address them in order to allow myself to fully understand what is going on.

The reasons for this rollercoaster of emotions have been multifaceted. Each of the subjects which are grabbing the focus of my attention are completely personal, relating to my family, and the fear of not being there for them. Old feelings and concerns have been raised, and a sense of trying to manage the grief that others are feeling is overwhelming. 

These feelings have been bouncing around inside my head, crashing against one another, with some dominating the other at times, but with all playing on my mind simultaneously. It feels like a combustible mix that I need to address.

Outwardly I have trying to keep it together, putting on a brave face at times in order to portray an appearance that I am being strong for those around me. However, privately I have needed to get my views out to avoid waves upon waves of downheartedness and negativity consuming me. It is getting harder and harder to shrug off the sadness.

I am planning on addressing each of the five things in my blog in varying degrees.

The first thing was health scare. I have been struggling with and complaining about headaches for a good few months. These headaches were unlike migraines, and were only affecting two specific parts of my head. I had been taking paracetamol to manage these, but concerned at how regular they were occurring. Then over the last few weeks I noticed I was losing the ability to recall certain words in specific situations. Something a mundane as cutting the lawn and I would forget the word for lawnmower for example.  Around the same time I noticed I would drop things quite easily, which was out of character for me. The door keys, my phone, and other everyday objects would slip out of my grasp without me noticing. Then the final incident was a fortnight ago, when I was walking to the train station in the morning, when all of a sudden I was on wet muddy pavement, having fallen over for no apparent reason. This concerned my partner and I, and I googled what the symptoms could be. I know you shouldn’t ever do that. But I am glad I did. I then saw a GP immediately and was referred to a Neurologist who sent me for immediate tests and booked an MRI. The next day I spent 30mins in a MRI machine, listening to Linkin Park’s greatest hits in an attempt to drown out the noise. The results were back that evening, and I was given the all clear in regards to any tumours or things in my brain which shouldn’t be there. This was a relief to say the least. Further examinations will be required, but at least the big scary thing has been ruled out.

Two of the things which I feel I need to talk about are linked and will need to be addressed carefully out of respect for the people involved and the ongoing situation. It is to do with the death of someone in my extended family and the effect of their loss on a specific loved one in particular. The story is a heart-breaking one to tell, and still feels raw and surreal. The incident only happened seven days ago, and not all of the facts have emerged. Some reports are vague, others misleading and there are final parts of the event still to happen. But there are still actions that are needed from me and my family to keep things together for others. I will need to give more thought into that post, than opposed to my usual writing style.

One is a thing I am super excited about, but still completely scared of once again.

The final one will deal with another unexpected loss. However this time to someone I have never met, but whose influence had a huge impact. The way in which this individual died has triggered feelings in me which have caused me to reflect and be saddened by.

Once again, I hope that by writing these blogs, I can feel a sense of release. I feel annoyed at myself for only having this outlet. But it has helped in the past, hopefully it helps again.

#oktosay

It is said; that the first step in solving a problem, is admitting you have a problem. This statement can be applied to all of life’s issues. However finally admitting something to yourself can be easier said than done.

Sometimes there is a catalyst that sparks the admission.

For a friend of mine, it was when his partner saw his bank statement and saw how over drawn he had become in such a short space of time. His problem he hadn’t admitted – online gambling. He  had become obsessed by spinning an online roulette board, and placing bigger bets each time to claw back the losses which had originated in small 50pence stakes. He was lucky, it was £500 and something which didn’t cut a huge hole in their life. She was able to stop the problem before it ran out of control. However the trust had been demolished. He then had to fix things piece by piece. Out went the smart phone, all financial control handed to his partner, and in response for her forgiveness, he agreed to attend a Gambling Addiction group. Once there, he was shocked to see how things could have gone. There were men who had literally gambled their life away. Men who had literally lost it all.  He saw men who had turned to drugs and alcohol when they lost their home, their wife and their kids. Men who had attempted suicide and were there through desperation and a last call for help. He knew he had to learn from this. And he has done.

But why is it that as men, we only ask for help when it is too late?

When I first had the urge to write something down, it was I too was struggling with a problem that I couldn’t control. I was feeling low and felt compelled to tell a story. It was the story of my uncle and his struggle with Anxiety and Depression, which culminated in him taking his own life. Forever In Our Hearts.

Little did I know, or was really ready to accept that it was my way of dealing with my own anxiety and depression. I was deflecting what I was feeling in my own life, but needed to release some tension, and instead I opened up by telling someone else’s tale about their feelings.

I had named my son after my late uncle, who had taken his own life back in 1993 when I was only ten years old. The name wasn’t in tribute of the act he committed, but instead a representation of the love that I felt and still feel towards the man. However, after naming my son after him, I had inadvertently opened a wave of emotions, which had made question aspects of my own life.

I had felt a lot of anxiety regarding impending fatherhood before the birth of my son. Was I ready?  Were we as a couple ready? Did I know enough about myself and life in general? Would I be good enough? Would I let him down?

I was expecting a Lion King moment, where I would be beaming with pride and raise him aloft and present him to the world.  In my mind; I had created an anticipation of the wave of emotions which would consume me as soon as he was in my arms. But that didn’t happen. The initial emotion wasn’t the expected euphoria.

It was fear.

I think this was due to the dramatic nature of his arrival into the world. For hours upon hours nothing had really happened in the labour ward. So much so, that my partner and I were taking a nap, when we were woken by the sound of alarms and midwives and medical professionals filling the room, with an underlying sense of panic, with the instruction that our baby needed to come out immediately. In what seemed like a blur, he was out, my partner was high as a kite, there was a lot of blood, and before I knew what was going on, he was in my arms looking back at me.

I was calm for the early days, and felt immense pride in introducing him to family and friends. But soon I found myself very low and mentally beating myself up. Self-doubt and anxiety over shadowed the joy I should have been feeling. To pin point things, it would have been low self-confidence, money worries, stress, job unhappiness, family differences, negatively comparing myself to those around me, all compounded by a level of tiredness I hadn’t experienced before, making me unhappy and making me feel like I was failing as a man, and let alone a dad.

Time passed and I turned my mental state around and good things came my way. We are now 5 and half months pregnant again, our son is a happy two year old, and I am feeling positive for the future, but still in my mind is the fact that I could drop back down to a state of depression, that outwardly no one around me would predict.

I think all dads have these feelings, but as men we simply don't talk about them. We bottle things up. Getting things off of your chest, even if it's trivial, certainly helps.  Anyone can be affected by mental health problems, and admitting that to yourself does not make you any less of a man. Opening up to those around you can really make a difference. Quite often it is the people you would not consider label as a depressed, who are mentally beating themselves up day after day. There are literally hundreds of people in the public eye, who have battled inner demons. People that you would never expect. But they are exactly that. People. Humans. We are all human and all go though lifes ups and downs. The key is not let the downs consume you to a point of no return. To a point where you see no resolution apart from a final one.

It is great to see this exact issue being tackled by charities such as CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) and the great campaign Heads Together and the #OktoSay hashtag formed by Princes William and Harry to flag mental health awareness. You would never think members of the Royal Family would be depressed. But if you take away being a royal and all that comes with it, Prince Harry is a normal man, who suffered a huge loss at a young age, which has had a long term effect on his life. It has taken lots of courage for him to admit this.

 It seems the stigma is being removed from talking about your problems. With the members of the Royal family getting involved, it helps raise the message to a wider audience, which can only be a good thing.

If you are feeling low, reach out to people. If you see someone is not themselves, then open the conversation. They may reject it, or they may just open up and get a load off of their mind. It only takes a simple conversation to help people out.

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/about-heads-together/

https://www.thecalmzone.net/2017/03/progreenfreddieflintoff/

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/support/

Lightning Could Strike..

It is weird how as people, our lives can be so effected by someone else.

Whether it be the love of your life sweeping you off of your feet, the birth of your child instantly maturing you, someone doing you a kind deed, or even something such as someone’s creativity or talent moving you emotionally.

We all have impacts on those around us. Even if we do not necessarily realise that we do.

Pieces of music, a singer’s voice, a piece of cinema, acting in television, film or stage, an artist’s vision, or even sporting brilliance can absolutely captivate you. For me, it is music and film.

The emotions that one can feel when they are attached to something creative like these forms of entertainment can range so much, you can be elevated up to the highest level, or crushed all in something you have observed.

I can be taken away somewhere by a great film, or a piece of music/certain song can just change my emotions completely. As a man approaching his 33^rd birthday, I feel more emotion towards certain songs and movies now, than I ever have.

The other night, Meet Joe Black was on television. A film I must have seen ten times or more. Each and every time, there are certain scenes, where the score absolutely breaks me. The soundtrack removes me from watching the film, removes me from real life, and instead plays out emotions in my own movie in my thought process.

In the film, Death who has taken the form of a young man (Brad Pitt), who falls in love with the daughter (Claire Forlani) of the man he has asked to show and teach him about life (Anthony Hopkins). Earlier in the film, we see the young man and the daughter meet in the coffee shop, with a clear chemistry between the two. There is a clear dilemma at the goodbye. We see them both repeatedly looking over their shoulder and spinning on their heels, both wanting but reluctant to go back to the other to confront the emotions they feel. All before going their separate ways, which leads to him being hit by a car before Death takes his body. (Apologies for the spoiler, but the film is nearly twenty years old – so I am assuming you have seen it already!) 

We have all had similar dilemmas in our lives. It those crossroads moments in life. Go one way and life goes in a certain direction, go the other way and life goes completely the opposite. It is the choices we make when we encounter these crossroads, which can define the rest of our life. For me this film, this music reminds me of my crossroads in my past, which have led me to where I am now.

It perfectly captures the essence of the story that it is telling somehow. The love, the fear and the pain. We have all been in love, and we have all been bereaved. Somehow both things come to mind when I hear this. 

I think of my girlfriend. That if I hadn’t have spoken to her that day at the train station in London, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and my beautiful son wouldn’t be here 8 years later. I think of my past loves. I think of the impact each have had on my life and the road that my life has travelled down. For example, if one of my exes hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have ended up going to university. I wouldn’t have met by best friend etc. Her action lead to my immediate reaction to remove myself from that place in my life. It was a crossroads moment.

In the same breath, that one piece of music, makes me think of the people who are no longer with us. I mostly think of both of my Grandparents. I wish they had been in my life longer. I wish they would have seen the man that I grew up to be.  My grandmothers were beautiful, hardworking, proud, determined, family women. They gave everything to raise their family and protect their loved ones.  My grandfathers worked to the bone, had great humour, kindness, generosity and were perfect gentlemen. These are the qualities I want to inherit and teach my son. The character played by Anthony Hopkins, who is tasked with showing Death life on earth,  is everything you would expect a proud family man to be. He wants to know he has done his best and that his family will be ok without him. He wants to use his crossroads to take the time to be with those around him.

I see the same qualities in Hopkins character, as I do in my own father. I know he is soon to be approaching a crossroads in terms of his treatment for his illness. He is eagerly trying to ensure that everything is sorted for the rest of us, but all we want is for him to be healthy and happy. For him to spend as many healthy and happy days with our mum. We want him to live for now, because we know how he approaches whichever road he decides to go down will have long term effects on the rest of us. 

This one piece of music and even the film itself makes me think of all of these things. However, when I sit back and really consider what that emotive music does to me, I think overall it makes me think of love and life. It makes me realise that you have to live for the day. Crossroads in life will come and go, but it is the actions of now that really count.

And like the young man says… ‘Lightning could strike’.

The piece of music I mentioned is the first 5 minutes of That Next Place composed by Thomas Newman.