Lightning Could Strike..

It is weird how as people, our lives can be so effected by someone else.

Whether it be the love of your life sweeping you off of your feet, the birth of your child instantly maturing you, someone doing you a kind deed, or even something such as someone’s creativity or talent moving you emotionally.

We all have impacts on those around us. Even if we do not necessarily realise that we do.

Pieces of music, a singer’s voice, a piece of cinema, acting in television, film or stage, an artist’s vision, or even sporting brilliance can absolutely captivate you. For me, it is music and film.

The emotions that one can feel when they are attached to something creative like these forms of entertainment can range so much, you can be elevated up to the highest level, or crushed all in something you have observed.

I can be taken away somewhere by a great film, or a piece of music/certain song can just change my emotions completely. As a man approaching his 33^rd birthday, I feel more emotion towards certain songs and movies now, than I ever have.

The other night, Meet Joe Black was on television. A film I must have seen ten times or more. Each and every time, there are certain scenes, where the score absolutely breaks me. The soundtrack removes me from watching the film, removes me from real life, and instead plays out emotions in my own movie in my thought process.

In the film, Death who has taken the form of a young man (Brad Pitt), who falls in love with the daughter (Claire Forlani) of the man he has asked to show and teach him about life (Anthony Hopkins). Earlier in the film, we see the young man and the daughter meet in the coffee shop, with a clear chemistry between the two. There is a clear dilemma at the goodbye. We see them both repeatedly looking over their shoulder and spinning on their heels, both wanting but reluctant to go back to the other to confront the emotions they feel. All before going their separate ways, which leads to him being hit by a car before Death takes his body. (Apologies for the spoiler, but the film is nearly twenty years old – so I am assuming you have seen it already!) 

We have all had similar dilemmas in our lives. It those crossroads moments in life. Go one way and life goes in a certain direction, go the other way and life goes completely the opposite. It is the choices we make when we encounter these crossroads, which can define the rest of our life. For me this film, this music reminds me of my crossroads in my past, which have led me to where I am now.

It perfectly captures the essence of the story that it is telling somehow. The love, the fear and the pain. We have all been in love, and we have all been bereaved. Somehow both things come to mind when I hear this. 

I think of my girlfriend. That if I hadn’t have spoken to her that day at the train station in London, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and my beautiful son wouldn’t be here 8 years later. I think of my past loves. I think of the impact each have had on my life and the road that my life has travelled down. For example, if one of my exes hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have ended up going to university. I wouldn’t have met by best friend etc. Her action lead to my immediate reaction to remove myself from that place in my life. It was a crossroads moment.

In the same breath, that one piece of music, makes me think of the people who are no longer with us. I mostly think of both of my Grandparents. I wish they had been in my life longer. I wish they would have seen the man that I grew up to be.  My grandmothers were beautiful, hardworking, proud, determined, family women. They gave everything to raise their family and protect their loved ones.  My grandfathers worked to the bone, had great humour, kindness, generosity and were perfect gentlemen. These are the qualities I want to inherit and teach my son. The character played by Anthony Hopkins, who is tasked with showing Death life on earth,  is everything you would expect a proud family man to be. He wants to know he has done his best and that his family will be ok without him. He wants to use his crossroads to take the time to be with those around him.

I see the same qualities in Hopkins character, as I do in my own father. I know he is soon to be approaching a crossroads in terms of his treatment for his illness. He is eagerly trying to ensure that everything is sorted for the rest of us, but all we want is for him to be healthy and happy. For him to spend as many healthy and happy days with our mum. We want him to live for now, because we know how he approaches whichever road he decides to go down will have long term effects on the rest of us. 

This one piece of music and even the film itself makes me think of all of these things. However, when I sit back and really consider what that emotive music does to me, I think overall it makes me think of love and life. It makes me realise that you have to live for the day. Crossroads in life will come and go, but it is the actions of now that really count.

And like the young man says… ‘Lightning could strike’.

The piece of music I mentioned is the first 5 minutes of That Next Place composed by Thomas Newman.

Somebody I Used to Know..

It is pretty amazing to think of how many people come into and out of our lives. 

Think of all the kids you knew at school, the people you met through clubs and activities as children. Are any of them still in your life? How about the people you met at college or the people you partied with? Chances are you may still have a core group of friends in your life who have been a constant. 

Are you still in contact with any of the people who shared the same place of work as you throughout your career? What about the people you met travelling, or the people who you formed an instant bond with over a shared passion? Are you still in touch, or simply keeping up with each other lives by looking on social media and occasionally liking one of their Facebook posts?

It is weird how people who you have been bonded with over a number years can suddenly be out of your life often without reason or warning. Like the song by Gotye, they become 'Somebody that you used to know'.

In my case, I have a number of people in my phone contacts library, which I simply do not feel I could call to catch up with. Too much time has passed since our last conversation. It doesn’t mean that I do not care for them, or do not wish to still be in their life, but simply, that we have drifted apart. Before my son was born I removed over seven hundred people from my social media account. Not because I do not like these people, but simply because they are not in my life anymore.

My friendship and time is there for anyone who wants to offer the same back. As life goes on, I have realised that it’s more important to have those people in your life who actually want to be there, opposed to those who just want to follow your social media updates and occasionally like a Facebook post. I have learnt not to chase people. You can't force a friendship.

Unfortunately, there are people who simply do not return messages or phone calls. At what point do you take the hint and stop calling them? You hope deep down, that if you meant something to them, they would call you back. Unfortunately this has happened to me. Someone who meant the absolute world to me, never called back.

I have to say that I really f**king miss that person. We could communicate in ways that I haven’t been able to talk to anyone else. We had been there for each other through various dark times. We were about to share the most amazing life changing experience together. We shared a joint excitement, but life seemed to take over, and calls, voicemails and text messages were not answered. In the end frustration took over, and I left a voicemail saying that I wouldn’t be calling again, and that if he wanted to stay in touch, to reach out. But he never called back.

Serious things have happened in my life in the nine months that followed that voicemail, and I have needed to share that with someone. But the person who I would have confided in hasn’t been there. And it hurts. It hurts to not know what his reason was. Perhaps there was something I did that pissed him off.  If you read this, you will know who you are. I was only concerned for you as you were going through a shit time. I wanted to be there for you to ease the burden. I will always wish you nothing but the best in life, and hope one day my phone will ring.

Of course there are others who have come and gone. But none had the same impact as someone who you consider to be a friend for life.

I am lucky though, I have a close knit group of friends and an additional handful of other true friends, who will be friends for life. We do not have to speak to each other weekly to know that we will always be there for one another. I simply will not allow the friendships to fizzle out. They are almost thought of as extended family members, thus is the impact they have made and esteem I hold them in. People like TA, MM, SH, AC, RH, LR, and lastly by best friend DE will hopefully be in my life forever. Seriousness of life, geographical locations, kids, relationships, commitments, and other factors will not come in the way of our bonds.We have shared so much laughter, emotions and have memories to last a lifetime.

My best friend is younger than me, but I look upto him. He has had it tough in his life, but has come out of it as the best man I know. He would drop everything to be there for me, and I know that completely. He has helped me deal with some real sh*t, and I will be eternally grateful. He made me the biggest promise anyone could ever make, that should anything happen to me in life, he will be there for my son and will teach him all of the lessons that I would taught him. I will never forget that.

There are times in your life, where you need help or guidance of those around you.Sometimes you need someone to literally be silly with. To those in my life, I will always be here for you.  Personally, 2016 has sucked for me. Bad luck, bad news and bad timings have all been present. I fully appreciate everyone who has been there for me so far. We all need somebody to lean on at times.

A letter to my Dad..

Dad, I wanted to write you a letter to say thank you. To tell you how much I appreciate all that you have done for us, how much you have sacrificed, and just how hard you have worked to provide for us as a family. 

As long as I can remember, you have worked flat out to better our lives. You have left at the crack of dawn, returned after dark, and have done all that you can to ensure that mum, K, and I have had the best of everything in our lives. Whilst other Dads on our road would leave for their cushy 9-5 office jobs, you would have to drive 4hours per day to get to your physical hard job, often going abroad to earn that pound coin for us. At weekends you have not sat down and chilled, you have grafted to transform our home and garden more than once.

I saw a quote online that resonated, as it is very true for me. The quote said: 

"When you teach your son, you also teach your son's son"

I will teach my son things which you have taught me. He will have the same qualities and characteristics from me, that I have from you.  As years have passed and I have grown older, we have grown closer, and we have been able to speak about sensitive subjects to a degree, and I know that you will always have my best interests at heart. You have always been my biggest fan. You have always believed in me and pushed me to do better. But you let me find my own way. You have been more than a father. You have been a friend.

But lately there have been developments and subjects that aren’t that easy to talk about, and I know that these subjects scare you, even if you won’t admit it. You have received a diagnosis which must seem like a death sentence and you may have to further tests and prodding and poking by people in white coats. I know that you are loathed to go through that again, after the last time it left you with an infection that meant we could have lost you, but Dad you really need to think about it.

Consider that although these tests could bring dark clouds, it will also bring a sense of blue skies in the future. Blue skies where we as a family can make memories and share laughter. I fear that without the further investigations a storm will come over us and never leave.

I have a son of my own now, and I think that has brought us closer. The bond you have with him is amazing, and has been since he was born. There is something magical about your bond that he doesn’t have with anyone else. I want that to continue into his life as he grows. I want you to be here to experience it with him. 

Throughout my life, I have said that if I can echo what you have achieved in your life, then I would have been successful. You came from a very working class background, to have a lovely home, two happy kids, and were able to give mum the amazing gift of 18years off of work, to ensure she was always there for me and K. We had lovely holidays, K had her dream wedding. You have always been there to give us everything. If I can emulate for my own life and family, then I will have done well.

It is now your time to enjoy life. If treatment will buy you a solid few years of good health, then in my eyes it is a no brainer. Go and enjoy the world with Mum. Go for the holidays you have always wanted. Buy the car of your dreams. You have worked hard all of your life. Go and enjoy it. As you have always said, there is no point being the richest man in the cemetery. 

Please know that all you have done has been appreciated, valued and respected. You are my true inspiration. I hope my life has made you proud, and I hope you respect me as a man I have become.

If storm clouds do come our way, we will not hide away from them. We will face them head on. Together. As a family. We can not give up. We must not. We will not.

Ps - this is the hardest blog to write and harder to share. Realisation of what is going on sucks big
time. - I love you.

Thank you for reading this - whoever you are. If you can relate to this topic, please encourage your relative to open up. It is so easy for them to try to be the typical alpha male and assume this will be ok.


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