Run Fatboy Run

Life. Its a funny old game. It flies by in the blink of an eye, and before you know it, years and years have passed, and you are left wondering what the fuck happened and where has the time gone.

Since we became a family of four, my life feels like it has been on fast forward constantly. My week consists of early rises with the kids, the daily commute, hours at the office, commute home to dinnertime, bathtime and bedtime with the kids, quick tidy up, finally sit down for an hour, then off to bed. And repeat. 

Before you know it, every day can easily become ground hog day. 

To counteract that, I have signed up to run the London 10k as a way to combat two things within my life that I wasn’t happy with - my mental and my physical health.

My weight has always been up and down, but since becoming a father for the second time in August 2017, I let my health and lifestyle slip away from me. This culminated in weighing in far heavier than I should have ever been, and finally admitting to myself that things needed to change. I often felt low, and often overly anxious. I would end up eating far too much due to feeling a like shit, and then would feel like shit because I was eating far too much. It was a negative cycle which I couldn’t get out of.

The weight, along with accommodation and financial worries really got to me, and made me think I was failing at being the best father and partner I could be. Everyone has pressures in life, and I just needed to deal with mine better. The littlest thing could set me off on a downward spiral down, and my mind took me deeper down, and this is something which people notice in me, something which I am not the best at hiding.

Feeling down became far too regular and was rapidly becoming my new normal. It got to the stage where I used the CALM webchat, as I was feeling pretty worthless. I soon realized that only I could change the outlook in my life. 

My kids deserve a Daddy who is positive and happy.  If things were going to change, I need to be the one to spark that change.

As previously mentioned in my blog, I looked up and read up on who CALM were and what they do after hearing an advert on a podcast. There message resonated big time. I was a fan of the rapper Professor Green, and learned of his involvement with the charity after viewing his BBC3 documentary - Suicide and Me, decided to write my own story. Forever in Our Hearts was the subsequent post, where I was able to finally get some emotions out, in regards to my Uncle Charlie’s suicide when I was just 10years old. 

Now approaching my 36th birthday, I am only 5years younger than he was when he died. I now feel at an age to understand some of the anxieties, pressures, decisions, heartbreak, and despair that he must have felt.

I needed to change. I still need to change. I won’t let history repeat itself.

I needed a goal to work towards, a target to have, and something to aim for. Years ago, I had run 10k and raised money in aid of the daughter of an old friend, so I looked for a race to run, with an achievable goal. So in March this year, I signed up for the run, and decided to run for CALM, and be part of the team which will make London orange on July 21st.

Since starting my training in March, I have lost over three and half stone (22kgs+). The CALM runners vest is still a bit snug, but I have a few weeks left to get into it! I cant wait to be one of over 350 people running the streets of London for such a great cause.

During the run, I will think, and I will remember.

I will think of those 84 men who took their lives that week, and every week in the UK. 12 per day.

I will think of the 84 families affected. The 84 versions of the ten year old me, who lost their playmate, and who for the next 25years will think about that person every day. I will remember those men who took the decision to 

If you are feeling down, scared of yourself, scared of your thoughts or fucking down in the dumps. Talk. Talk to anyone. You haven’t got to know them, you just need to get it out. Cry. If you need to, fucking cry. Fucking scream if you have to. Don’t let things build to the point where you only see one option for your life.

If you’re not happy with your health/weight like me, getting started is the hardest bit. Getting to the gym or going for that first jog around the block is mentally the hardest part. There’s always that voice in your head saying “not tonight, go tomorrow instead”. But once you have been, and you have accomplished something, that same voice says “F**king well done mate, now let’s go again tomorrow”.

For me, it’s important to remember why I am putting the effort in. I want to raise money for a charity which means a lot to me. I want there to be significant change in the way that we as men deal with our emotions. I want there to be resources available for people who are struggling. I want to use my uncle’s memory to push me closer to the 10k finish post.

Most importantly, I want my sons to be able to see Daddy achieve something.

Fundraising has been limited to friends and family, on social media, and colleagues in the workplace, with every penny raised being extremely appreciated.

I find that as the social media generation, we are all becoming somewhat immune to actually engaging with these posts on our timelines, as there are so many people raising money for all sorts of outstanding organisations. To counter act this and stand out from the crowd, I have decided to be far more open about the reason I am running for CALM, sharing my story with my social circles. I hope that by being open, and not being ashamed by the reasons for running, it may encourage people to donate, but more importantly, to raise awareness for CALM. It may just save someone’s life.

Since my diet and training started a few months back, I have enjoyed seeing the physical change in my appearance. I feel good in my clothes again. My kids have commented that Daddy’s tummy isn’t as big anymore. It is nice to see that my hard work is being noticed by those around me.

I attended the recent CALM Runners Run&Pub session in Regents Park, which I was initially very apprehensive about. I am not a great runner, my aim is simply to finish on the big day, but when I arrived I found a group of people just like me. No competition, just encouragement and support of what we are trying to do as a collective. I learnt things that I have taken on board and implemented in subsequent training sessions, and look forward to hopefully bumping into the rest of the group on race day, when we are all proudly wearing that orange vest, being cheered on by the CALM volunteers. 

When I first started this blog, I didn't share any of my posts with my Facebook page. I guess I was apprehensive about how that story would be perceived by those on my social media page. But in the subsequent years since, the stigma around suicide and mental health really does seem to have changed, and a large amount of credit for that has to go to CALM. Their campaigns have seen a huge response, especially Project 84 from last year which was followed by the male suicide story line form Coronation Street, which enabled CALMs messaged to go out to a huge number of people. The amount of people searching for CALM or using one of their immediate help lines went up by over 30%.

I will share this post with my own social media page. I hope that my honesty and openness will encourage people to donate, and to more importantly look into this crucially important subject. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 45. 

Among those 350+ members of Team CALM at the London 10k, there will 350+ reasons to run. and 350+ stories. I look foward to meeting more of the team, and wish "Good luck" to everyone taking part.

Cheers,

Mark

If you wish to sponsor me - you can do so here! Any donation is appreciated.

To my Uncle Charlie, this one is for you.
I wish that I had photographs of us.

CALM runs a free and anonymous helpline 0800 585858 and webchat (5pm-12am daily) staffed by trained professionals,  www.theCALMzone.net

Preventing My Own...

It has been nearly one year since my last blog post. Not that I haven’t had things that could have been said, more that I haven’t had the impulse to actually say them in blog form. It has been a long rollercoaster ride of a year. Amazing highs, terrifying lows. Maybe if the mood takes me I will take the time to get it out. It will probably do me good.

But not today.

Today I felt compelled to post, in homage to the reason for writing my very first post. Suicide. My uncle’s suicide. My first two posts can be seen here. Forever In Our Hearts and The Permanent Solution where I talk about it in case you haven't read them before. 

For today is World Suicide Prevention Day. But two years on, has anything changed in me?

But how do you prevent something like this, when the pressures, pains, anxieties and depressions that we feel as humans is a prevalent today as it has ever been?

I don’t know if you can. But we live in an age where we are encouraged to be open and talk to eachother about our feelings and insecurities. We are told it is ok to not be ok. We are told that asking for help doesn’t make you less of a man.

Therefore my way of preventing suicide, has to be preventing my own.

Now before I go on, I am not suicidal. I am not a risk. I am in a good place. But I am aware to the triggers which can bring me down.

Depression has been something that has been part of my life since my teenage years. Not that I have ever admitted that to anyone until a couple of months back. What started off as insecurities and negative self-perception, soon led to hating my thoughts, and hating them in the true sense of the word.

As I have grown older I have struggled under the weight of life’s every day pressures, anxiety and money troubles have made me to see myself as a failure. A run of issues in my life brought me down, and my mind took me deeper down. And people noticed and asked questions. Scary thoughts had entered my mind. What would happen if this bus hits me at speed? Or if I trip in front of this tube train would it be painful? Would people in my life be better off without me? And it was once I thought that, I knew that in the words of the late 
Chester Bennington, “my thoughts can be a bad place to be”, and that I needed to do something about it. So I spoke to people. One I knew I would talk to, the other who I wouldn’t have expected to open up with. But as soon as I felt compassion, I knew I could release the dark mental build up.

My uncle Charlie died by suicide at 41years old. He took his own life, found in his car in 1993. I was ten years old when it happened, and for years accepted the line I had been told that he had died by a heart attack.

I was ten, and I can see why I was told that. Suicide is hard enough to comprehend as a 35year adult, so there was no way a ten year old me could have been expected to understand the truth and what suicide is.

The questions. The fucking questions. Why? Why? Why? What could we have done? What did you need? Why didn’t you reach out? Why didn’t you talk to us? Why are we left here without you and why didn’t you think about us when you made that decision?

Maybe you felt you would be burdening us with your issues. Perhaps you felt like you had got yourself into this mess and only you could get yourself out. It could be that you did reach out to someone. Maybe it was someone who broke your heart, and they didn’t give you what you needed. Perhaps you couldn’t talk about it. Possibly you were like me and struggle to take advice from others. Maybe you did think about us, despite our absence from your suicide letter.

I can only assume your depression was such a dark horrible fight that you couldn’t fight anymore. In a way, I hope it was a long struggle. As horrible as that sounds, I crave the knowledge to know it wasn’t just an off the cuff decision one stupid drunken night feeling sorry for yourself.

I want you to know that your decision comes into my mind far too often than I would like to admit. It comes into my mind every time a black cloud comes into my life.

I know first-hand how much death by suicide can fuck someone else up. Therefore I know I couldn’t ever put my loved ones through it. I have two little boys who need me, and I made them both a promise of love when they were born, that I would be here for them in every regard. They are my reason for being here. I will move the world to give them everything they need.

Last year, I went to a group for those bereaved by suicide. I learned that your circumstance was definitely an exception to the rule. You wrote a letter. There wasn’t any one in the group who had a letter. Apparently writing a letter usually makes people cease their attempt. Also, alcohol isn’t really a factor in most suicides. The drink must have made you braver that fateful evening.

I didn’t know the type of man you were. I didn’t know what you were passionate about. I didn’t know what you did for work. I didn’t know why you weren’t married or why you didn’t have kids like your three brothers did.

I knew you as the playful loving uncle, with Benny and Deano, two dogs that I loved. I knew the uncle who took me to the woods and encouraged my passion for nature and wildlife. The uncle who bought me a blue Fila watch which I thought was the business. The inappropriate uncle who bought me ‘Robocop’ on video tape for my 8^th or 9^th birthday. It was a brutal 18 rated film. You bought my sister ‘All Dogs Go to Heaven’. The uncle who took us to Chessington a few times. The uncle who I remember once looked after me one weekend, and when you asked if I wanted a burger for lunch, you literally served me a burger patty, with a splodge of ketchup to the side. I was expecting a bun, and I told my mum about it in shock. You were the uncle who took us horse-riding, creating memories that would last a lifetime.

Therefore, your suicide was enough to prevent mine. As I would not want those around me to feel what we felt when you died.

84 men a week in the UK take their lives every week in Britain. 12 per day. That’s nuts. That’s 84 families affected. 84 versions of the ten year old me, who lost their playmate, and who for 25years will think about that person every day. The recent display on top of the ITV buildings by CALM was a huge eye opener. A haunting image.

If you are feeling down, scared of yourself, scared of your thoughts or fucking down in the dumps. Talk. Talk to anyone. You haven’t got to know them, you just need to get it out. Cry. If you need to, fucking cry. Fucking scream if you have to. Don’t let things build to the point where there is only way out, bottle of whisky in hand, writing your final letter.

If you notice in someone that something doesn't seem right, ask them. Talk to them. Show them you care. It might just save their life. 

World Suicide Prevention Day is a global event held every year on September 10th. 

With CALM I am calling on everyone to #StandAgainstSuicide by signing this petition demanding government action ➡️ http://bit.ly/SuicidePetition2018

Help is out there if you are in a bad place. Please use it.

CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858

Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk

Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393

Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123

In The End...

Aside from a dislike of elevators, I’ve never been claustrophobic, but as I have gotten older there have been a few instances where I have been overcome with a hot panicky sweat at being trapped somewhere. As I stood in my hospital robes next to the huge MRI scanner, I knew I needed something to focus on during the impending thirty minutes or so that I would be in the confined space. The nurse handed me a sheet of paper with various musical offerings to listen to: Adele – no thanks, Classical Hits – not for me. It didn’t look good. However whilst looking at my options there was only one thing which grabbed my attention; Linkin Park Greatest Hits.

As I laid there in the scanner, the hot panic hit me within a matter of moments. Stuck in this machine, consumed with a anxiety of being trapped. Then, in my headphones came the sounds of Linkin Park. I had envisioned that the music and vocals would drown out the machine as it scanned by brain, but it wasn’t as loud as I was hoping. However, I was able to focus on the music and singing, such a beautiful voice and powerful screams, and I was able to remove myself from that scanner, and take myself back in my memories to seeing them perform live in Abu Dhabi, back in 2010. Soon the sweaty panic passed and before I knew it, about eight songs had played, and the scan had finished. Losing myself in Linkin Park had again got me through a shitty moment in time in my life, which had been on mind since the appointment was booked.

Two days later I learnt via Twitter, that Linkin Park lead singer, Chester Bennington had taken his own life. It hit me like a ton of bricks, another one taken too soon. This man had been a huge part of my life for over fifteen years. I had listened to his music all too regularly. On the train, in the car, on the street, in the gym, or more often than not, when i wasn't feeling too happy in myself.

Like many teenagers, I had a phase where I questioned my existence. I felt low, I felt depressed, I felt worthless. Consumed by anxiety, I had just changed schools, and felt ugly and I felt dumb. I would spend a lot of time alone, and basically felt very sorry for myself.

During a Napster session in 2000 (sorry but we all did it!), I downloaded ‘In The End’ based on how popular the file was. Having not listened to Metal music before I was prepared to delete the file after hearing only a few seconds like I had done with other downloaded songs, however based on the intro alone I knew I would like this particular track. As the song continued, I immediately liked Mike Shinoda’s rap style, and when the chorus came in I had goose pimples. Chester’s voice was like something I hadn’t known before. How could someone sing so beautifully and then let out a real rock element like that? I listened again, and again and again. With each listen I would try to listen carefully to the lyrics. The lyrics to ‘In The End’ served as a release to me. I was able to sing and rap along to the song, which seemed to resonate.

“Ive put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, for all this, there’s only one thing you should know. Ive tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.”

This chorus made me think of my relationship with so many people. My teachers, my parents, my friends, those I secretly envied and wanted to be like. I was looking to be anyone else but myself.  The song was definitely part of my coming of age, and accepting the person I was. Theres only so much you can do to please others.. I didn’t need to change for anyone else. Other people’s opinions didn’t matter.

Fast forward ten years, and I was living and working in Abu Dhabi, UAE. As the post-race concerts for the Formula1 event were announced, I was delighted to see Linkin Park would be performing, having never seen them live before. Other songs of theirs had become favourites of mine – Numb, Crawling, Papercut, Faint, and One Step Closer to name a few. The day came round and I felt honoured to witness this band perform. It was literally one of the greatest live concerts I had attended. As they played ‘In The End’, the goosebumps came back as they always do to that song, but this time I looked back at all that I have achieved in the ten years from first hearing the track. I felt embarrassed to be in such a large crowd, overcome by emotion. But the beauty of that moment was that I was one of a number of thousands of people relating to that song right there.

Chester’s vocals were as impressive in real life as they were on CD.

Over the years, I have suffered from anxiety, loneliness and depression. As I have aged, I have understood a little more about how to break this feeling and to express myself. So many people have these issues, and music is a great form of escapism. In Linkin Park, I found an outlet who seemed to sing what I was feeling.

 A few weeks ago, a friend posted Facebook live videos of Linkin Park performing live from the O2 arena in London. Little did they know that they were going to be one of the final audiences to witness them live. I was completely jealous that they were there. They sounded awesome. Chester looked and sounded great. Weeks later, and he is no longer with us.

A man who despite his public acknowledgments of depression, seemed to have everything in place around him: a world famous band, millions of adoring fans, a large loving family, the respect of his industry. He had influenced more people than he would ever realise. A voice which gave chills. Only 41 years of age.

Coincidentally the same age that my uncle took his own life who will be Forever In Our Hearts.

Many people have views and thoughts about his final action. But ultimatley it was the demons in his mind that took control. He had spoke about how he had been abused as a child, he fought a long running battle with alcohol and drug addiction. He was open about his depression, and his music really served as a mirror into his world. The suicide of close friend Chris Cornell hit him hard, and he was found dead on the day that would have been Cornell’s birthday.

Much was written about Linkin Park's last record, One More Light. For me, I liked the new sound. I appreciated the difference. Many have called it Chester's suicide note, there for the world to see. Songs like Heavy offer a real insight to his mental state at time of writing. The title track One More Light was written in about a friend who had passed away. It was ever so poignant after the passing of Cornell, especially in the Jimmy Kimmel performance; and the way that LP performed it was as painful and grief filled as you could imagine. Listening to this song after Chester's passing absolutely wrecks me. Such a beautifully true expression of grief in one song. Beyond heartbreaking. You can see his pain within, in the way that Chester performed this in his final gigs, especially the Birmingham show, singing directly to the members of the audience.

Thank you for the music Chester, I wish that you didn’t have to take this tragic course of action. My heart is broken for your family, friends and band mates. I find a slight solace that your children will have so much footage of you at their finger tips, and that your music was an insight into your life. But that does not and will never replace having their daddy in their lives.

It shows the impact that a man had on the world, when millions grieve for the person who they have never personally met. But we all felt we knew you. You leave us with a vast musical catalogue, ensuring that your powerful, vulnerable, angry, emotional voice will forever be heard.

Your passing topped off what had been a pretty shitty week for me. Having been fearful for my health, and learning of the murder of my niece’s father, it pushed me into a level of negativity which I struggled to deal with. So i blogged about it.

There is always someone out there to talk to. If you have suicidal thoughts, seek help.

Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do.

#FuckDepression #MakeChesterProud

A Stream of Consciousness..

As I sit down to allow a brief stream of consciousness to leave my fingertips into my computer, there is a lot that I feel I need to, and can write about at the moment. For quite a while I have struggled with what to write about with this blog. The blog itself has served as my release of emotions when I have needed it to. Although I have dear friends, I do not necessarily have a large network of people around me of whom I can confide in about certain sort of things. Only recently have I found a few people in the workplace who have shown a considerable caring nature towards my happiness, and who have encouraged me to get things off of my chest.

However despite this, I have still avoided writing this post if I am honest.

It is hard to describe to people the emotions I have been feeling in the past ten days or so. Never in my life have I felt so unsure and unsettled, compared to these preceding days.

There have been four huge things which are ongoing which are, and will be, major events in my life.

Then there has been one event which has served as a trigger to my negative mind state. All five together at the same time, and the result is that my head is a little all over the place. So I think it is important that I address them in order to allow myself to fully understand what is going on.

The reasons for this rollercoaster of emotions have been multifaceted. Each of the subjects which are grabbing the focus of my attention are completely personal, relating to my family, and the fear of not being there for them. Old feelings and concerns have been raised, and a sense of trying to manage the grief that others are feeling is overwhelming. 

These feelings have been bouncing around inside my head, crashing against one another, with some dominating the other at times, but with all playing on my mind simultaneously. It feels like a combustible mix that I need to address.

Outwardly I have trying to keep it together, putting on a brave face at times in order to portray an appearance that I am being strong for those around me. However, privately I have needed to get my views out to avoid waves upon waves of downheartedness and negativity consuming me. It is getting harder and harder to shrug off the sadness.

I am planning on addressing each of the five things in my blog in varying degrees.

The first thing was health scare. I have been struggling with and complaining about headaches for a good few months. These headaches were unlike migraines, and were only affecting two specific parts of my head. I had been taking paracetamol to manage these, but concerned at how regular they were occurring. Then over the last few weeks I noticed I was losing the ability to recall certain words in specific situations. Something a mundane as cutting the lawn and I would forget the word for lawnmower for example.  Around the same time I noticed I would drop things quite easily, which was out of character for me. The door keys, my phone, and other everyday objects would slip out of my grasp without me noticing. Then the final incident was a fortnight ago, when I was walking to the train station in the morning, when all of a sudden I was on wet muddy pavement, having fallen over for no apparent reason. This concerned my partner and I, and I googled what the symptoms could be. I know you shouldn’t ever do that. But I am glad I did. I then saw a GP immediately and was referred to a Neurologist who sent me for immediate tests and booked an MRI. The next day I spent 30mins in a MRI machine, listening to Linkin Park’s greatest hits in an attempt to drown out the noise. The results were back that evening, and I was given the all clear in regards to any tumours or things in my brain which shouldn’t be there. This was a relief to say the least. Further examinations will be required, but at least the big scary thing has been ruled out.

Two of the things which I feel I need to talk about are linked and will need to be addressed carefully out of respect for the people involved and the ongoing situation. It is to do with the death of someone in my extended family and the effect of their loss on a specific loved one in particular. The story is a heart-breaking one to tell, and still feels raw and surreal. The incident only happened seven days ago, and not all of the facts have emerged. Some reports are vague, others misleading and there are final parts of the event still to happen. But there are still actions that are needed from me and my family to keep things together for others. I will need to give more thought into that post, than opposed to my usual writing style.

One is a thing I am super excited about, but still completely scared of once again.

The final one will deal with another unexpected loss. However this time to someone I have never met, but whose influence had a huge impact. The way in which this individual died has triggered feelings in me which have caused me to reflect and be saddened by.

Once again, I hope that by writing these blogs, I can feel a sense of release. I feel annoyed at myself for only having this outlet. But it has helped in the past, hopefully it helps again.

Read All About It...

A few months back, I couldn’t seem to break away from feeling down in the dumps. For a good month or two, I was feeling really quite low and what some would describe as depressed. I was beating myself up mentally. If I tried to list what was making me feeling down, I could have easily reeled off ten things without stopping for breath. Of these issues, many were things that I have absolutely no control over. 

I thought I was failing as a man, failing as a parent & failing as a partner. I felt as if I should be doing far better in everything than I am doing.  I couldn’t pin point one thing which was getting me down. Instead it was just anything and everything. I was waking up and just knowing that the day ahead was going to be a shit day. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I needed to get myself out of the mind-set that was starting to take hold.

Watch the Documentary here

At the same time, I saw a documentary on BBC Three – Professor Green: Suicide and Me. I watched attentively as we saw the rapper - Pro Green (real name Stephen Manderson) open up and show us an extremely private, emotional side to him, which as a fan, showed just how he managed to write some of the extremely moving lyrics to many of his tracks. 

Read All About It featuring Emeli Sande is his biggest hit to date. I cant listen to that song without thinking of the real reason behind it, and relating that story to my own life. It is weird how music and certain songs can immediately put you into a certain mind state. Emeli Sande's solo version of the song was picked up by the 2012 London Olympics and was performed at the closing ceremony. But many of the Olympic fans probably didn’t know the real inspiration behind the song being written initially was Manderson’s father committing suicide.

The documentary showed the rapper dealing with the pain that his father’s passing had on him and his family members. It made me think more and more about the pain in my own family. It is not something that we feel comfortable talking about. As I have got older, I have related further to my late uncle and wondered what went through his mind in the lead up to taking his own life aged 41.

Manderson met with the charity CALM, who I had first heard of listening to the Tottenham football podcast ‘The Fighting Cock’. It emphasized the great job that they are doing.

In the coming days, I decided that in order to get myself out of my current slump, I needed a way get back to normal. A way to better express my emotions. Although I was reluctant to label myself as anything else than feeling down, I pondered if this could be the start of a longer running issue with depression. I was tempted to use the anonymous chat service that CALM offer. Instead I decided to write my something down. I didn’t know what I would write. So I decided to tell my story. My own version of the documentary I had seen.

That led me to what became my first blog post. Forever In Our Hearts.

I felt good to write something down. I had always enjoyed writing as a kid. I then decided that perhaps this could be my way out. This could be the release I needed. I decided to share this with the editor of the CALM website, as they stated they were looking writers. Days passed, and I didn’t hear anything. I assumed it wasn’t something they were interested in. I am not even sure why I submitted it to them. I wasn’t looking for attention. I wasn’t looking to achieve anything. I just wanted someone to hear the story. There was a definite release in writing something down.

My story: Forever In Our Hearts - on the homepage of CALM's website.

I decided that if there was a subject that I wasn’t able to discuss with those around me, I would write about it. So I made a blog. I was able to create every aspect, and design it exactly how I wanted. I decided it would be solely for those who follow me on twitter. I wasn’t going to share it with family or friends on my Facebook page. 

My story on the CALM Facebook page

On Tuesday, my story went live on the CALM website, and yesterday they placed it onto their Facebook page. It was surreal seeing my story on the main page of a charity so established in their field. It made me feel proud that the story I wanted to tell could be shared with people who have been through the same thing, or show people who are in a dark place that their potential actions will have a knock on effect in ways that they cannot even imagine. 

 I wasn’t able to press the like button on Facebook, as my contacts would see my activity. My immediate friends and family haven’t seen my writing, and I do not know how my mum and dad in particular, would react to what I have written.

My blog is now on its way to 1000 hits, which is completely overwhelming. I am in a far better place mentally, and I although I have dark days, for the most part I am feeling good. I think a large part of that is down to enjoying writing again.

Lyrics from 'Read All About It'
 

Dear dad,
As a kid I looked up to you,
Only thing was I never saw enough of you.
The last thing I said to you was I hated you,
I loved you and now it's too late to say to you.

Just didn't know what to do or how to deal with it,
Even now deep down I'm still livid.
To think, I used to blame me,
I wondered what I did to you to make you hate me.
I wasn't even 5, life's a journey and mine wasn't an easy ride,
You never even got to see me rhyme,
I just wished you would have reached out
I wish you would've been round when I'd been down.
I wish that you could see me now,
Wherever you are I really hope you found peace.
But know that if I ever have kids,

Ill never let them be without me.

 

If you or anyone you know is feeling low, there are people they can talk to. CALM are there 365 days a year. https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/