In The End...

Aside from a dislike of elevators, I’ve never been claustrophobic, but as I have gotten older there have been a few instances where I have been overcome with a hot panicky sweat at being trapped somewhere. As I stood in my hospital robes next to the huge MRI scanner, I knew I needed something to focus on during the impending thirty minutes or so that I would be in the confined space. The nurse handed me a sheet of paper with various musical offerings to listen to: Adele – no thanks, Classical Hits – not for me. It didn’t look good. However whilst looking at my options there was only one thing which grabbed my attention; Linkin Park Greatest Hits.

As I laid there in the scanner, the hot panic hit me within a matter of moments. Stuck in this machine, consumed with a anxiety of being trapped. Then, in my headphones came the sounds of Linkin Park. I had envisioned that the music and vocals would drown out the machine as it scanned by brain, but it wasn’t as loud as I was hoping. However, I was able to focus on the music and singing, such a beautiful voice and powerful screams, and I was able to remove myself from that scanner, and take myself back in my memories to seeing them perform live in Abu Dhabi, back in 2010. Soon the sweaty panic passed and before I knew it, about eight songs had played, and the scan had finished. Losing myself in Linkin Park had again got me through a shitty moment in time in my life, which had been on mind since the appointment was booked.

Two days later I learnt via Twitter, that Linkin Park lead singer, Chester Bennington had taken his own life. It hit me like a ton of bricks, another one taken too soon. This man had been a huge part of my life for over fifteen years. I had listened to his music all too regularly. On the train, in the car, on the street, in the gym, or more often than not, when i wasn't feeling too happy in myself.

Like many teenagers, I had a phase where I questioned my existence. I felt low, I felt depressed, I felt worthless. Consumed by anxiety, I had just changed schools, and felt ugly and I felt dumb. I would spend a lot of time alone, and basically felt very sorry for myself.

During a Napster session in 2000 (sorry but we all did it!), I downloaded ‘In The End’ based on how popular the file was. Having not listened to Metal music before I was prepared to delete the file after hearing only a few seconds like I had done with other downloaded songs, however based on the intro alone I knew I would like this particular track. As the song continued, I immediately liked Mike Shinoda’s rap style, and when the chorus came in I had goose pimples. Chester’s voice was like something I hadn’t known before. How could someone sing so beautifully and then let out a real rock element like that? I listened again, and again and again. With each listen I would try to listen carefully to the lyrics. The lyrics to ‘In The End’ served as a release to me. I was able to sing and rap along to the song, which seemed to resonate.

“Ive put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go, for all this, there’s only one thing you should know. Ive tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.”

This chorus made me think of my relationship with so many people. My teachers, my parents, my friends, those I secretly envied and wanted to be like. I was looking to be anyone else but myself.  The song was definitely part of my coming of age, and accepting the person I was. Theres only so much you can do to please others.. I didn’t need to change for anyone else. Other people’s opinions didn’t matter.

Fast forward ten years, and I was living and working in Abu Dhabi, UAE. As the post-race concerts for the Formula1 event were announced, I was delighted to see Linkin Park would be performing, having never seen them live before. Other songs of theirs had become favourites of mine – Numb, Crawling, Papercut, Faint, and One Step Closer to name a few. The day came round and I felt honoured to witness this band perform. It was literally one of the greatest live concerts I had attended. As they played ‘In The End’, the goosebumps came back as they always do to that song, but this time I looked back at all that I have achieved in the ten years from first hearing the track. I felt embarrassed to be in such a large crowd, overcome by emotion. But the beauty of that moment was that I was one of a number of thousands of people relating to that song right there.

Chester’s vocals were as impressive in real life as they were on CD.

Over the years, I have suffered from anxiety, loneliness and depression. As I have aged, I have understood a little more about how to break this feeling and to express myself. So many people have these issues, and music is a great form of escapism. In Linkin Park, I found an outlet who seemed to sing what I was feeling.

 A few weeks ago, a friend posted Facebook live videos of Linkin Park performing live from the O2 arena in London. Little did they know that they were going to be one of the final audiences to witness them live. I was completely jealous that they were there. They sounded awesome. Chester looked and sounded great. Weeks later, and he is no longer with us.

A man who despite his public acknowledgments of depression, seemed to have everything in place around him: a world famous band, millions of adoring fans, a large loving family, the respect of his industry. He had influenced more people than he would ever realise. A voice which gave chills. Only 41 years of age.

Coincidentally the same age that my uncle took his own life who will be Forever In Our Hearts.

Many people have views and thoughts about his final action. But ultimatley it was the demons in his mind that took control. He had spoke about how he had been abused as a child, he fought a long running battle with alcohol and drug addiction. He was open about his depression, and his music really served as a mirror into his world. The suicide of close friend Chris Cornell hit him hard, and he was found dead on the day that would have been Cornell’s birthday.

Much was written about Linkin Park's last record, One More Light. For me, I liked the new sound. I appreciated the difference. Many have called it Chester's suicide note, there for the world to see. Songs like Heavy offer a real insight to his mental state at time of writing. The title track One More Light was written in about a friend who had passed away. It was ever so poignant after the passing of Cornell, especially in the Jimmy Kimmel performance; and the way that LP performed it was as painful and grief filled as you could imagine. Listening to this song after Chester's passing absolutely wrecks me. Such a beautifully true expression of grief in one song. Beyond heartbreaking. You can see his pain within, in the way that Chester performed this in his final gigs, especially the Birmingham show, singing directly to the members of the audience.

Thank you for the music Chester, I wish that you didn’t have to take this tragic course of action. My heart is broken for your family, friends and band mates. I find a slight solace that your children will have so much footage of you at their finger tips, and that your music was an insight into your life. But that does not and will never replace having their daddy in their lives.

It shows the impact that a man had on the world, when millions grieve for the person who they have never personally met. But we all felt we knew you. You leave us with a vast musical catalogue, ensuring that your powerful, vulnerable, angry, emotional voice will forever be heard.

Your passing topped off what had been a pretty shitty week for me. Having been fearful for my health, and learning of the murder of my niece’s father, it pushed me into a level of negativity which I struggled to deal with. So i blogged about it.

There is always someone out there to talk to. If you have suicidal thoughts, seek help.

Who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do.

#FuckDepression #MakeChesterProud

Songs to hear again before I die...

Music does something to people, like no other form of entertainment can do. It captivates and floods your senses with memories and emotions. 

Although universal, it can be extremely personal, and despite being written for a completely different reason, we can take the song, interpret it and make it our own. We all have our favourite songs, favourite bands/artists, and the reason we like them is down to our own unique tastes.

I am one of the few people who is still rocking an iPod, and unlike other iPods I have owned in the past, my current one I have had for ten years and seems to be indestructible. It is my friend on my commute to work, my company when I am out running, and my entertainment on long drives around the country. Seeing as it is now ten years old,  I decided it needed a freshen up!

With that thought I decided to clean up my iTunes account, and remove the songs that I simply do not listen to anymore. I have been slowly building my iTunes library for the last ten years, and my music collection is extremely varied. There are songs which have had zero plays in all the years  that they have been in my account, probably due to me not be interested in them from the start.. So they went to the recycle bin.

The process was therapeutic, and as I played the various of tracks from the various genres that I had created over the years – Pop, RnB, Garage, Hip Hop/Rap, Oldies, Rock, Indie,  Classic Dance, Opera, WWE Theme Tunes etc, I found myself reminiscing on who that song reminds me of, or  where I first heard certain songs, or what I was going through in my life when that song came along.

There were literally hundreds and hundreds of songs on my iTunes which mean the world to me. Some of  them for the good times, and some for the sad times. 

Songs can instantly move you, and change your mind state. 

"Your Not Alone" by Olive, automatically brings me back to the period when my grandmother sadly lost her battle with cancer among other illnesses in our house after spending her final few months living with us when I was fourteen. She fought so courageously, and this song was so prominent on the radio at that time. The lyric of waiting til the end of time for someone, impacted me as I feel I will see her again at the end of my time.

"Hit Em Up" by 2Pac, reminds me of sitting on a wall next to my high school bus stop in 1997, being introduced to gangster rap by my friend Phil, who educated me on the East Coast/West Coast beef, a school friend who would only a year or two later be killed in a tragic car accident. Someone who I looked up to as a teenager, who never knew what those bus stop music lessons would go on to mean to me. He was the first experience of death of a young person that I would experience. It shocked the local community to the core, and I often find myself thinking about Phil to this day. He was a great kid and certainly gone too soon.

"You Got It" by Roy Orbison, takes me back to my childhood, and time spent in my parent's bedroom, my mum singing it to me as I helped her change the bed sheets (it’s weird what you recall after all the years!). This song is the song which reminds me of my Mum.

"Suspicious Mind"s by Elvis – automatically brings my Dad to mind, as he had sung that song at every karaoke event we ever attended throughout my childhood and teenage years. He may sing it out of time, and not in the same way that The King did, but its my Dads song, and I hope to hear him sing it in the months and years to come.

"Paradise" by Coldplay, taking me back to a specific day spent in Koh Phi Phi in Thailand in 2012, in which we went onto a longboat out to Maya Bay, the scene for Leonard Di Caprio film – The Beach. It was stunning and one of the happiest days of my life. It was that day that I made a specific decision about my return to the UK after living in the UAE for two years, and gave serious though about the type of people I wanted in my life, and more importantly – those I didn’t. This was going to be a new start for me and this song is symbolic of that day for me.

I therefore decided to go about creating a playlist of all of the songs which mean something to me; a playlist of songs that I simply HAVE to listen to again and again as the years roll on.

The playlist is entitled: ‘Songs to hear again before I die’. Here is a list in no particular order of just a few of of them:

1.       Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac

2.       My Destiny – Lionel Richie

3.       Only You – 112, Puff Daddy, Notorious BIG & Mase

4.       I Cant Make You Love Me – Tank

5.       You Got It – Roy Orbison

6.       Suspicious Minds – Elvis

7.       Hit Em Up – 2Pac

8.       Paradise – Coldplay

9.       My Girl – The Temptations

10.   Stand By Me – Ben E King

11.   Jump Around – House of Pain

12.   Mirros – Justin Timerlake

13.   Hero – Foo Fighters

14.   Colourblind – Counting Crows

15.   Baby I Love Your Way – Big Mountain

16.   In The End – Linkin Park

17.   World In Motion – New Order

18.   Hypnotise – Notorious BIG

19.   Wonderwall – Oasis

20.   You’ve Got It – Simply Red

21.   How Will I Know – Whitney Houston

22.   Sacrifice – Elton John

23.   Days of our Lives – Queen

24.   Time to Say Good bye – Andrea Bocelli & Sarah Brightman

25.   Candy – Paolo Nutini

26.   My Immortal – Evanesence

27.   It’s the Way – Future Underground Nation

28.   A Million Love Song – Take That

29.   Pompei – Bastille

30.   Songbird – Eva Cassidy

31.   Vibe – R.Kelly

32.   Let Her Go – Passenger

33.   I See Fire – Ed Sheeran

34.   Smooth Criminal – Michael Jackson

35.   Other Side – Red Hot Chilli Peppers

 Have you made a similar track list of songs you have to hear again before your days are over?

Falling in Love with Football...

When I was seven years old, I fell in love. 

I fell in love with a game and I fell in love with a badge. 

The game was football, and the badge was England’s iconic Three Lions.

England were competing at World Cup Italia ‘90, and I would be swept up in the emotion that people throughout the nation felt. My interest in the tournament wasn’t immediate, and like much of the nation, my interest developed as the tournament went on, and by the time David Platt scored his pandemonium inducing wonder goal in the last minute of extra time against the Belgians, I was hooked. By the time Gazza was crying during the Semi Final against West Germany, I was truly addicted.

Players celebrate after David Platt scores in the 119th minute to send England through to the Quarter Final of Italia '90.

I still remember crying myself to sleep that fateful night of the Semi Final, moments after Chris Waddle’s penalty rocketed over the bar and into the Italian night sky. The 120 minutes of action plus the dreaded penalty shootout had been the first time in my life I had experienced a true emotional rollercoaster. Over 25million people in the UK watched that game. And for many like me, a love had been established that would never disappear.

Paul Gascoigne (Gazza) and Gary Lineker were very much my favourite players and soon become my heroes, and the adulation and respect burns to this day. Both Gascoigne and Lineker played for Tottenham Hotspur, and with that my lifetime decision of which English league side to support was decided.

England’s official World Cup song back in 1990 - World in Motion by New Order was number #1 in  the charts, and along with the official song of the tournament – Nessan Dorma, these represent what music meant to me in that time of my life. You never forget the songs during important times in your life, they define the era, and for me, these two tracks mean the world, and still can bring goose bumps. For me World in Motion is timeless, and will forever be my England anthem.

World In Motion  by New Order

The closest that official England songs have got to 1990 were 1996 and 1998 – when we had the legendary Three Lions on a Shirt and Vindaloo  by Baddiel/Skinner/LightingSeeds and Fat Les respectively. These songs were sung up and down the country and certainly helped link the football team and the fans. They helped spread the passion. Even people who were not football fans knew the words to these songs. They were infectious. We await to see what song we will have this summer.

Vindaloo By Fat Les

Every two years, with the exception of 1992 and 2008, in my football loving lifetime, England have been involved in either a World Cup or a European Championship. I can remember all of them. In 1992 I watched from my living room as England were pathetic in the Euros, in 1996 I spent the summer watching the Euro96 games from the clubhouse of our holiday home as England destroyed the Dutch, knocked out the Spanish on penalties but lost again to the Germans in another shootout. In 1998 I remember watching World Cup matches on my Sega GameGear with a TV adapter in my Maths lesson. In 2000 I watched from home as we crashed out in the group stage, and in 2002 I was in Tenerife on holiday, having partied all night and stayed awake with dozens of other revellers  to watch the early morning matches. 2004 and 2006 I watched matches with my university friends in the local nightclub who would show games on a big screen. In 2010 I was the only Englishman in a bar to watch us be thrashed by the Germans, in 2012 and 2014 I watched with friends as we would yet again be disappointed due to poor performances. 

During the heartache over the years,  my love towards the England football team has fizzled out and the flame has burnt less bright occasionally. There have been times I have been totally disillusioned with the England national team. This has usually been due to the man leading the team and the players within the side. (I am talking about you Steve McClaren and the GoldenGeneration.) This usually coincides with awful songs! J (looking at you James Corden). There have been times where the players seemed to think  that playing for England was a burden. It appeared they didnt want to be there. There was no passion. It was as if the badge had lost it's appeal.

But recently and just in time for the upcoming Euro 2016 tournament, my interest and excitement in the England team has resurfaced. Players look like they are playing for the shirt and playing for eachother. It certainly helps my interest that Tottenham have five players in the squad, all of whom will look to make a huge impression in the summer. 

I am excited by the prospect of being caught up in excitement and expectancy for another summer of hoping England do something that they haven’t done since 1966, and actually win an international football tournament.

It has been 50years since Bobby Moore lifted the World Cup at Wembley Stadium. Englands only tournament victory.

We are a young side, with no stand out superstars. We appear to have the blend of skill and pace, with players in form at the right time. And once again, I am daring to dream, daring to believe that this could be the summer that we will remember and talk about for a lifetime… But we have said this many times in the years gone by.

When I take time and look at that England shirt and to look at the badge that is upon it, takes me back to the excitement, enthusiasm and joy that Italia 90 brought me. I felt proud that I could wear that shirt, and call myself English. As a seven year old boy,  playing football in my back garden in my full England kit, anything was possible. I could grow up to be as skilful as Paul Gascoigne, I could grow up to be the best striker like Gary Lineker.

In players like Harry Kane and Delle Alli, we have two players who I predict will have a huge impact in the tournament in the same way  that Gascoigne and Lineker did twenty six years ago.  A new crop of children will fall in love with football this summer, and our players have the chance to become heroes to a new generation.

The new boyhood hero? Harry Kane should have a large impact for England at Euro 2016 this summer.

When my son is older, I hope he is falls in love with the beautiful game in the same way that I did. I hope he has heroes to aspire to be like. For too many years we have had a team full of individuals, opposed to a team spirit much similar to club football that seems to be forming in our current side.

The current squad who have the honour to wear those three lions on their chest, and for the first time in many years, we see a squad who look like they want to play for their country. They need to understand and remember that they are expected to sing the anthem with pride and then give everything that they have for the 90mins/ 120mins/ Penalty Shootout. They need to know that they are not playing for a salary, they are playing for every young boy who is falling in love for the first time.. Falling in love with football.

"WE'RE SINGING FOR ENGLAND! ENG- ER- LAND!"

Lightning Could Strike..

It is weird how as people, our lives can be so effected by someone else.

Whether it be the love of your life sweeping you off of your feet, the birth of your child instantly maturing you, someone doing you a kind deed, or even something such as someone’s creativity or talent moving you emotionally.

We all have impacts on those around us. Even if we do not necessarily realise that we do.

Pieces of music, a singer’s voice, a piece of cinema, acting in television, film or stage, an artist’s vision, or even sporting brilliance can absolutely captivate you. For me, it is music and film.

The emotions that one can feel when they are attached to something creative like these forms of entertainment can range so much, you can be elevated up to the highest level, or crushed all in something you have observed.

I can be taken away somewhere by a great film, or a piece of music/certain song can just change my emotions completely. As a man approaching his 33^rd birthday, I feel more emotion towards certain songs and movies now, than I ever have.

The other night, Meet Joe Black was on television. A film I must have seen ten times or more. Each and every time, there are certain scenes, where the score absolutely breaks me. The soundtrack removes me from watching the film, removes me from real life, and instead plays out emotions in my own movie in my thought process.

In the film, Death who has taken the form of a young man (Brad Pitt), who falls in love with the daughter (Claire Forlani) of the man he has asked to show and teach him about life (Anthony Hopkins). Earlier in the film, we see the young man and the daughter meet in the coffee shop, with a clear chemistry between the two. There is a clear dilemma at the goodbye. We see them both repeatedly looking over their shoulder and spinning on their heels, both wanting but reluctant to go back to the other to confront the emotions they feel. All before going their separate ways, which leads to him being hit by a car before Death takes his body. (Apologies for the spoiler, but the film is nearly twenty years old – so I am assuming you have seen it already!) 

We have all had similar dilemmas in our lives. It those crossroads moments in life. Go one way and life goes in a certain direction, go the other way and life goes completely the opposite. It is the choices we make when we encounter these crossroads, which can define the rest of our life. For me this film, this music reminds me of my crossroads in my past, which have led me to where I am now.

It perfectly captures the essence of the story that it is telling somehow. The love, the fear and the pain. We have all been in love, and we have all been bereaved. Somehow both things come to mind when I hear this. 

I think of my girlfriend. That if I hadn’t have spoken to her that day at the train station in London, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and my beautiful son wouldn’t be here 8 years later. I think of my past loves. I think of the impact each have had on my life and the road that my life has travelled down. For example, if one of my exes hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have ended up going to university. I wouldn’t have met by best friend etc. Her action lead to my immediate reaction to remove myself from that place in my life. It was a crossroads moment.

In the same breath, that one piece of music, makes me think of the people who are no longer with us. I mostly think of both of my Grandparents. I wish they had been in my life longer. I wish they would have seen the man that I grew up to be.  My grandmothers were beautiful, hardworking, proud, determined, family women. They gave everything to raise their family and protect their loved ones.  My grandfathers worked to the bone, had great humour, kindness, generosity and were perfect gentlemen. These are the qualities I want to inherit and teach my son. The character played by Anthony Hopkins, who is tasked with showing Death life on earth,  is everything you would expect a proud family man to be. He wants to know he has done his best and that his family will be ok without him. He wants to use his crossroads to take the time to be with those around him.

I see the same qualities in Hopkins character, as I do in my own father. I know he is soon to be approaching a crossroads in terms of his treatment for his illness. He is eagerly trying to ensure that everything is sorted for the rest of us, but all we want is for him to be healthy and happy. For him to spend as many healthy and happy days with our mum. We want him to live for now, because we know how he approaches whichever road he decides to go down will have long term effects on the rest of us. 

This one piece of music and even the film itself makes me think of all of these things. However, when I sit back and really consider what that emotive music does to me, I think overall it makes me think of love and life. It makes me realise that you have to live for the day. Crossroads in life will come and go, but it is the actions of now that really count.

And like the young man says… ‘Lightning could strike’.

The piece of music I mentioned is the first 5 minutes of That Next Place composed by Thomas Newman.