Lightning Could Strike..

It is weird how as people, our lives can be so effected by someone else.

Whether it be the love of your life sweeping you off of your feet, the birth of your child instantly maturing you, someone doing you a kind deed, or even something such as someone’s creativity or talent moving you emotionally.

We all have impacts on those around us. Even if we do not necessarily realise that we do.

Pieces of music, a singer’s voice, a piece of cinema, acting in television, film or stage, an artist’s vision, or even sporting brilliance can absolutely captivate you. For me, it is music and film.

The emotions that one can feel when they are attached to something creative like these forms of entertainment can range so much, you can be elevated up to the highest level, or crushed all in something you have observed.

I can be taken away somewhere by a great film, or a piece of music/certain song can just change my emotions completely. As a man approaching his 33^rd birthday, I feel more emotion towards certain songs and movies now, than I ever have.

The other night, Meet Joe Black was on television. A film I must have seen ten times or more. Each and every time, there are certain scenes, where the score absolutely breaks me. The soundtrack removes me from watching the film, removes me from real life, and instead plays out emotions in my own movie in my thought process.

In the film, Death who has taken the form of a young man (Brad Pitt), who falls in love with the daughter (Claire Forlani) of the man he has asked to show and teach him about life (Anthony Hopkins). Earlier in the film, we see the young man and the daughter meet in the coffee shop, with a clear chemistry between the two. There is a clear dilemma at the goodbye. We see them both repeatedly looking over their shoulder and spinning on their heels, both wanting but reluctant to go back to the other to confront the emotions they feel. All before going their separate ways, which leads to him being hit by a car before Death takes his body. (Apologies for the spoiler, but the film is nearly twenty years old – so I am assuming you have seen it already!) 

We have all had similar dilemmas in our lives. It those crossroads moments in life. Go one way and life goes in a certain direction, go the other way and life goes completely the opposite. It is the choices we make when we encounter these crossroads, which can define the rest of our life. For me this film, this music reminds me of my crossroads in my past, which have led me to where I am now.

It perfectly captures the essence of the story that it is telling somehow. The love, the fear and the pain. We have all been in love, and we have all been bereaved. Somehow both things come to mind when I hear this. 

I think of my girlfriend. That if I hadn’t have spoken to her that day at the train station in London, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and my beautiful son wouldn’t be here 8 years later. I think of my past loves. I think of the impact each have had on my life and the road that my life has travelled down. For example, if one of my exes hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have ended up going to university. I wouldn’t have met by best friend etc. Her action lead to my immediate reaction to remove myself from that place in my life. It was a crossroads moment.

In the same breath, that one piece of music, makes me think of the people who are no longer with us. I mostly think of both of my Grandparents. I wish they had been in my life longer. I wish they would have seen the man that I grew up to be.  My grandmothers were beautiful, hardworking, proud, determined, family women. They gave everything to raise their family and protect their loved ones.  My grandfathers worked to the bone, had great humour, kindness, generosity and were perfect gentlemen. These are the qualities I want to inherit and teach my son. The character played by Anthony Hopkins, who is tasked with showing Death life on earth,  is everything you would expect a proud family man to be. He wants to know he has done his best and that his family will be ok without him. He wants to use his crossroads to take the time to be with those around him.

I see the same qualities in Hopkins character, as I do in my own father. I know he is soon to be approaching a crossroads in terms of his treatment for his illness. He is eagerly trying to ensure that everything is sorted for the rest of us, but all we want is for him to be healthy and happy. For him to spend as many healthy and happy days with our mum. We want him to live for now, because we know how he approaches whichever road he decides to go down will have long term effects on the rest of us. 

This one piece of music and even the film itself makes me think of all of these things. However, when I sit back and really consider what that emotive music does to me, I think overall it makes me think of love and life. It makes me realise that you have to live for the day. Crossroads in life will come and go, but it is the actions of now that really count.

And like the young man says… ‘Lightning could strike’.

The piece of music I mentioned is the first 5 minutes of That Next Place composed by Thomas Newman.

Perhaps.. Perhaps.. Perhaps..

Do you believe in signs from above?

Religious people would call them signs from God, other people refer to them as signs from angels, friends/ relatives who have passed away, whereas other people may just call it coincidence.

In the past few months, I would like to think that if there is a higher power, then he has sent me a sign. Or if it is a relative who has passed away, then they have reached out to warn me about something. But then again, it could just be coincidence.

I had noticed a new mole type lesion appear on my jaw line, which was proving to be a real irritation. It would become swollen and itchy, and doubled in size quite quickly. This led me to seek out expert advice, so I visited The Mole Clinic, just off of London’s Oxford Street. 

http://www.themoleclinic.co.uk 

I had visited them years ago, when I was having a holiday at home (I was living in the Middle East at the time) and I was concerned that the increased sun exposure has caused me to gain many more moles. That on top of being a habitual tanning bed user from my late teens to mid-twenties, I knew deep down that I could be at risk of something nasty down the line.

Upon the investigation, I was informed that the mole on my Jaw line, was in fact nothing to worry about, and was in fact something named Seborrheic Keratoses. Completely harmless with no treatment required, unless you want to remove it for cosmetic reasons. The mole expert continued with the full body mole check, (it took a while, I must have easily over 250+ on my person), and two moles were flagged as needed further attention. One on my right leg, and one to the left hand side of my mid back. 

I always knew that this would be likely, as I have said, I am really ‘molely’. 

I was instructed to see a Dermatologist, and luckily, through being part of the Private Healthcare scheme with my employer, I was referred to a specialist at a private hospital quickly. By chance (or by divine intervention) I was actually referred to the same Dermatologist who I had seen when I was a depressed spotty teenager some 19 years earlier. I had always liked him as a kid. He saw my acne as a real problem, and not just something that all kids go through. He saw how it affected me, and made the right choices to get the correct solution. This pre-existing relationship certainly helped me feel that I was in safe hands. He quickly inspected the moles, and laid to rest any issue over my mole on the right leg that had raised concern. However the mole on back would need to be excised and sent for testing. 

He went on to explain that he although he cannot be 100% sure, he is confident that the mole may not prove to be anything suspect. But flagged that there were some definite anomalies in the mole, which will need to be examined. An appointment was made, and I was to return to have a minor operation, to remove the troublesome mole.

I left the appointment knowing the following: Best case scenario – this is a harmless mole, but just different from the others on my body. Worst case - it could be skin cancer. That is the fact of it.

I had the mole removed last Tuesday (23/2) under local anaesthetic, and had internal and external stitches to close the hole. It is sore  and I will have a scar a few inches long. But that is not a problem. The tough part has been waiting for the results. I was told it would be 10days. That should be this Friday if the lab work at the weekend, if not, the wait will go into next week. 

It is a weird emotion, the anxiety you feel waiting for a phone call that will tell you that you have or do not have cancer. It is hard to get your head around. You obviously have to go on as if nothing is wrong, go to work as usual, play with your son as usual, and reassure your Mrs that you are fine, that you are only thinking positively, and that everything will be ok. It’s hard to tell your parents that you are confident it will be fine, despite the fact that your Dad is sitting opposite you, at the early stages of a fight against cancer of his own. Its tough, with your Mum looking at you with concern in her eyes, no doubt reminding herself of all the times she told you – “Make sure you put your sun cream on”, and the times she told “I wished you didn’t use those tanning beds you don’t need a tan to look good”.

The funny thing about all of this shit news, is that the Seborrheic Keratoses that first made me go to the Mole Clinic, has completely disappeared. It is as if it was planted right on my face, so that I couldn’t miss it. That I had to go to get it checked out. And once I had done so, it disappeared as quickly as it formed. 

Perhaps it was God, as a way of telling me to keep going to church. I had only really started attending regularly since we decided to baptise my son, but I had felt myself really enjoying it. I felt that I was taking something from each Sunday’s mass, and I was trying to make myself a better human. Treating people better. Perhaps this was his way of rewarding my new found interest?

Then again, perhaps it was Uncle Charlie who I have mentioned in my first blog post Forever In Our Hearts. Perhaps this was his way of thanking me for naming my son after him, and to tell me I need to look after myself, and to see someone who could help me.

Or perhaps it was simply a Seborrheic Keratoses that formed which was always going to form and fall off with time. It was always going to grow on my jawline and disappear. Perhaps it was always going to do that. 

Regardless of what it was, it has lead me to where I am now. Anxious, concerned, nervous, but ultimately in a better position than if I had just left it. Upon immediate panic, i turned to Google and to Social media. Luckily I have found two great sources of information in the forms of  a blog http://www.melanomarollercoaster.co.uk/ and http://www.melanomauk.org.uk/

I will update when I get my call from the Dermatologist. If it is bad news, then this blog will take a different turn, and I will document the stages that I am going through, so that it can hopefully help someone else down. If it is good news, then it has been a real wake up call.

If you have any doubts about your own health, you need to do something about it. You simply cannot afford to leave it. If it is weighing on your mind, then it is enough of a concern that needs to be investigated. Only you can help yourself at the end of the day.

Unless you believe in signs from above that is!