#oktosay

It is said; that the first step in solving a problem, is admitting you have a problem. This statement can be applied to all of life’s issues. However finally admitting something to yourself can be easier said than done.

Sometimes there is a catalyst that sparks the admission.

For a friend of mine, it was when his partner saw his bank statement and saw how over drawn he had become in such a short space of time. His problem he hadn’t admitted – online gambling. He  had become obsessed by spinning an online roulette board, and placing bigger bets each time to claw back the losses which had originated in small 50pence stakes. He was lucky, it was £500 and something which didn’t cut a huge hole in their life. She was able to stop the problem before it ran out of control. However the trust had been demolished. He then had to fix things piece by piece. Out went the smart phone, all financial control handed to his partner, and in response for her forgiveness, he agreed to attend a Gambling Addiction group. Once there, he was shocked to see how things could have gone. There were men who had literally gambled their life away. Men who had literally lost it all.  He saw men who had turned to drugs and alcohol when they lost their home, their wife and their kids. Men who had attempted suicide and were there through desperation and a last call for help. He knew he had to learn from this. And he has done.

But why is it that as men, we only ask for help when it is too late?

When I first had the urge to write something down, it was I too was struggling with a problem that I couldn’t control. I was feeling low and felt compelled to tell a story. It was the story of my uncle and his struggle with Anxiety and Depression, which culminated in him taking his own life. Forever In Our Hearts.

Little did I know, or was really ready to accept that it was my way of dealing with my own anxiety and depression. I was deflecting what I was feeling in my own life, but needed to release some tension, and instead I opened up by telling someone else’s tale about their feelings.

I had named my son after my late uncle, who had taken his own life back in 1993 when I was only ten years old. The name wasn’t in tribute of the act he committed, but instead a representation of the love that I felt and still feel towards the man. However, after naming my son after him, I had inadvertently opened a wave of emotions, which had made question aspects of my own life.

I had felt a lot of anxiety regarding impending fatherhood before the birth of my son. Was I ready?  Were we as a couple ready? Did I know enough about myself and life in general? Would I be good enough? Would I let him down?

I was expecting a Lion King moment, where I would be beaming with pride and raise him aloft and present him to the world.  In my mind; I had created an anticipation of the wave of emotions which would consume me as soon as he was in my arms. But that didn’t happen. The initial emotion wasn’t the expected euphoria.

It was fear.

I think this was due to the dramatic nature of his arrival into the world. For hours upon hours nothing had really happened in the labour ward. So much so, that my partner and I were taking a nap, when we were woken by the sound of alarms and midwives and medical professionals filling the room, with an underlying sense of panic, with the instruction that our baby needed to come out immediately. In what seemed like a blur, he was out, my partner was high as a kite, there was a lot of blood, and before I knew what was going on, he was in my arms looking back at me.

I was calm for the early days, and felt immense pride in introducing him to family and friends. But soon I found myself very low and mentally beating myself up. Self-doubt and anxiety over shadowed the joy I should have been feeling. To pin point things, it would have been low self-confidence, money worries, stress, job unhappiness, family differences, negatively comparing myself to those around me, all compounded by a level of tiredness I hadn’t experienced before, making me unhappy and making me feel like I was failing as a man, and let alone a dad.

Time passed and I turned my mental state around and good things came my way. We are now 5 and half months pregnant again, our son is a happy two year old, and I am feeling positive for the future, but still in my mind is the fact that I could drop back down to a state of depression, that outwardly no one around me would predict.

I think all dads have these feelings, but as men we simply don't talk about them. We bottle things up. Getting things off of your chest, even if it's trivial, certainly helps.  Anyone can be affected by mental health problems, and admitting that to yourself does not make you any less of a man. Opening up to those around you can really make a difference. Quite often it is the people you would not consider label as a depressed, who are mentally beating themselves up day after day. There are literally hundreds of people in the public eye, who have battled inner demons. People that you would never expect. But they are exactly that. People. Humans. We are all human and all go though lifes ups and downs. The key is not let the downs consume you to a point of no return. To a point where you see no resolution apart from a final one.

It is great to see this exact issue being tackled by charities such as CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) and the great campaign Heads Together and the #OktoSay hashtag formed by Princes William and Harry to flag mental health awareness. You would never think members of the Royal Family would be depressed. But if you take away being a royal and all that comes with it, Prince Harry is a normal man, who suffered a huge loss at a young age, which has had a long term effect on his life. It has taken lots of courage for him to admit this.

 It seems the stigma is being removed from talking about your problems. With the members of the Royal family getting involved, it helps raise the message to a wider audience, which can only be a good thing.

If you are feeling low, reach out to people. If you see someone is not themselves, then open the conversation. They may reject it, or they may just open up and get a load off of their mind. It only takes a simple conversation to help people out.

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/about-heads-together/

https://www.thecalmzone.net/2017/03/progreenfreddieflintoff/

https://www.headstogether.org.uk/support/

Read All About It...

A few months back, I couldn’t seem to break away from feeling down in the dumps. For a good month or two, I was feeling really quite low and what some would describe as depressed. I was beating myself up mentally. If I tried to list what was making me feeling down, I could have easily reeled off ten things without stopping for breath. Of these issues, many were things that I have absolutely no control over. 

I thought I was failing as a man, failing as a parent & failing as a partner. I felt as if I should be doing far better in everything than I am doing.  I couldn’t pin point one thing which was getting me down. Instead it was just anything and everything. I was waking up and just knowing that the day ahead was going to be a shit day. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I needed to get myself out of the mind-set that was starting to take hold.

Watch the Documentary here

At the same time, I saw a documentary on BBC Three – Professor Green: Suicide and Me. I watched attentively as we saw the rapper - Pro Green (real name Stephen Manderson) open up and show us an extremely private, emotional side to him, which as a fan, showed just how he managed to write some of the extremely moving lyrics to many of his tracks. 

Read All About It featuring Emeli Sande is his biggest hit to date. I cant listen to that song without thinking of the real reason behind it, and relating that story to my own life. It is weird how music and certain songs can immediately put you into a certain mind state. Emeli Sande's solo version of the song was picked up by the 2012 London Olympics and was performed at the closing ceremony. But many of the Olympic fans probably didn’t know the real inspiration behind the song being written initially was Manderson’s father committing suicide.

The documentary showed the rapper dealing with the pain that his father’s passing had on him and his family members. It made me think more and more about the pain in my own family. It is not something that we feel comfortable talking about. As I have got older, I have related further to my late uncle and wondered what went through his mind in the lead up to taking his own life aged 41.

Manderson met with the charity CALM, who I had first heard of listening to the Tottenham football podcast ‘The Fighting Cock’. It emphasized the great job that they are doing.

In the coming days, I decided that in order to get myself out of my current slump, I needed a way get back to normal. A way to better express my emotions. Although I was reluctant to label myself as anything else than feeling down, I pondered if this could be the start of a longer running issue with depression. I was tempted to use the anonymous chat service that CALM offer. Instead I decided to write my something down. I didn’t know what I would write. So I decided to tell my story. My own version of the documentary I had seen.

That led me to what became my first blog post. Forever In Our Hearts.

I felt good to write something down. I had always enjoyed writing as a kid. I then decided that perhaps this could be my way out. This could be the release I needed. I decided to share this with the editor of the CALM website, as they stated they were looking writers. Days passed, and I didn’t hear anything. I assumed it wasn’t something they were interested in. I am not even sure why I submitted it to them. I wasn’t looking for attention. I wasn’t looking to achieve anything. I just wanted someone to hear the story. There was a definite release in writing something down.

My story: Forever In Our Hearts - on the homepage of CALM's website.

I decided that if there was a subject that I wasn’t able to discuss with those around me, I would write about it. So I made a blog. I was able to create every aspect, and design it exactly how I wanted. I decided it would be solely for those who follow me on twitter. I wasn’t going to share it with family or friends on my Facebook page. 

My story on the CALM Facebook page

On Tuesday, my story went live on the CALM website, and yesterday they placed it onto their Facebook page. It was surreal seeing my story on the main page of a charity so established in their field. It made me feel proud that the story I wanted to tell could be shared with people who have been through the same thing, or show people who are in a dark place that their potential actions will have a knock on effect in ways that they cannot even imagine. 

 I wasn’t able to press the like button on Facebook, as my contacts would see my activity. My immediate friends and family haven’t seen my writing, and I do not know how my mum and dad in particular, would react to what I have written.

My blog is now on its way to 1000 hits, which is completely overwhelming. I am in a far better place mentally, and I although I have dark days, for the most part I am feeling good. I think a large part of that is down to enjoying writing again.

Lyrics from 'Read All About It'
 

Dear dad,
As a kid I looked up to you,
Only thing was I never saw enough of you.
The last thing I said to you was I hated you,
I loved you and now it's too late to say to you.

Just didn't know what to do or how to deal with it,
Even now deep down I'm still livid.
To think, I used to blame me,
I wondered what I did to you to make you hate me.
I wasn't even 5, life's a journey and mine wasn't an easy ride,
You never even got to see me rhyme,
I just wished you would have reached out
I wish you would've been round when I'd been down.
I wish that you could see me now,
Wherever you are I really hope you found peace.
But know that if I ever have kids,

Ill never let them be without me.

 

If you or anyone you know is feeling low, there are people they can talk to. CALM are there 365 days a year. https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/

Perhaps.. Perhaps.. Perhaps..

Do you believe in signs from above?

Religious people would call them signs from God, other people refer to them as signs from angels, friends/ relatives who have passed away, whereas other people may just call it coincidence.

In the past few months, I would like to think that if there is a higher power, then he has sent me a sign. Or if it is a relative who has passed away, then they have reached out to warn me about something. But then again, it could just be coincidence.

I had noticed a new mole type lesion appear on my jaw line, which was proving to be a real irritation. It would become swollen and itchy, and doubled in size quite quickly. This led me to seek out expert advice, so I visited The Mole Clinic, just off of London’s Oxford Street. 

http://www.themoleclinic.co.uk 

I had visited them years ago, when I was having a holiday at home (I was living in the Middle East at the time) and I was concerned that the increased sun exposure has caused me to gain many more moles. That on top of being a habitual tanning bed user from my late teens to mid-twenties, I knew deep down that I could be at risk of something nasty down the line.

Upon the investigation, I was informed that the mole on my Jaw line, was in fact nothing to worry about, and was in fact something named Seborrheic Keratoses. Completely harmless with no treatment required, unless you want to remove it for cosmetic reasons. The mole expert continued with the full body mole check, (it took a while, I must have easily over 250+ on my person), and two moles were flagged as needed further attention. One on my right leg, and one to the left hand side of my mid back. 

I always knew that this would be likely, as I have said, I am really ‘molely’. 

I was instructed to see a Dermatologist, and luckily, through being part of the Private Healthcare scheme with my employer, I was referred to a specialist at a private hospital quickly. By chance (or by divine intervention) I was actually referred to the same Dermatologist who I had seen when I was a depressed spotty teenager some 19 years earlier. I had always liked him as a kid. He saw my acne as a real problem, and not just something that all kids go through. He saw how it affected me, and made the right choices to get the correct solution. This pre-existing relationship certainly helped me feel that I was in safe hands. He quickly inspected the moles, and laid to rest any issue over my mole on the right leg that had raised concern. However the mole on back would need to be excised and sent for testing. 

He went on to explain that he although he cannot be 100% sure, he is confident that the mole may not prove to be anything suspect. But flagged that there were some definite anomalies in the mole, which will need to be examined. An appointment was made, and I was to return to have a minor operation, to remove the troublesome mole.

I left the appointment knowing the following: Best case scenario – this is a harmless mole, but just different from the others on my body. Worst case - it could be skin cancer. That is the fact of it.

I had the mole removed last Tuesday (23/2) under local anaesthetic, and had internal and external stitches to close the hole. It is sore  and I will have a scar a few inches long. But that is not a problem. The tough part has been waiting for the results. I was told it would be 10days. That should be this Friday if the lab work at the weekend, if not, the wait will go into next week. 

It is a weird emotion, the anxiety you feel waiting for a phone call that will tell you that you have or do not have cancer. It is hard to get your head around. You obviously have to go on as if nothing is wrong, go to work as usual, play with your son as usual, and reassure your Mrs that you are fine, that you are only thinking positively, and that everything will be ok. It’s hard to tell your parents that you are confident it will be fine, despite the fact that your Dad is sitting opposite you, at the early stages of a fight against cancer of his own. Its tough, with your Mum looking at you with concern in her eyes, no doubt reminding herself of all the times she told you – “Make sure you put your sun cream on”, and the times she told “I wished you didn’t use those tanning beds you don’t need a tan to look good”.

The funny thing about all of this shit news, is that the Seborrheic Keratoses that first made me go to the Mole Clinic, has completely disappeared. It is as if it was planted right on my face, so that I couldn’t miss it. That I had to go to get it checked out. And once I had done so, it disappeared as quickly as it formed. 

Perhaps it was God, as a way of telling me to keep going to church. I had only really started attending regularly since we decided to baptise my son, but I had felt myself really enjoying it. I felt that I was taking something from each Sunday’s mass, and I was trying to make myself a better human. Treating people better. Perhaps this was his way of rewarding my new found interest?

Then again, perhaps it was Uncle Charlie who I have mentioned in my first blog post Forever In Our Hearts. Perhaps this was his way of thanking me for naming my son after him, and to tell me I need to look after myself, and to see someone who could help me.

Or perhaps it was simply a Seborrheic Keratoses that formed which was always going to form and fall off with time. It was always going to grow on my jawline and disappear. Perhaps it was always going to do that. 

Regardless of what it was, it has lead me to where I am now. Anxious, concerned, nervous, but ultimately in a better position than if I had just left it. Upon immediate panic, i turned to Google and to Social media. Luckily I have found two great sources of information in the forms of  a blog http://www.melanomarollercoaster.co.uk/ and http://www.melanomauk.org.uk/

I will update when I get my call from the Dermatologist. If it is bad news, then this blog will take a different turn, and I will document the stages that I am going through, so that it can hopefully help someone else down. If it is good news, then it has been a real wake up call.

If you have any doubts about your own health, you need to do something about it. You simply cannot afford to leave it. If it is weighing on your mind, then it is enough of a concern that needs to be investigated. Only you can help yourself at the end of the day.

Unless you believe in signs from above that is!