Paternity Leave: My 10 top tips...

On August 13^th 2017, we welcomed our second beautiful baby boy into the world. His birth was a complete 180’ compared with my first sons birth in every single department. To start with it was far calmer, far quicker, and for me I was a lot more involved, which was great.  With it being the second time around for us, I had far more knowledge about what to expect. I already knew that my Life Will Change in an Instant.

My partner had once again been a superstar, and our new born immediately started to feed, and passed all required checks. We were told we were able to go home soon! Just four hours after delivery, we were being discharged by the medical staff. But then we received a phone call from Kate’s mum to inform us she was en route to the Accident and Emergency department, as our eldest had slipped and fell, appearing to have dislocated his shoulder. Just our luck I thought. Our eldest is literally 100miles per hour, all of the time. I have lost count of the amount of clumsy accidents he has had so far in his two and a half years on earth, resulting in hospital visits. So it was typical that when Mummy and Daddy were in hospital, that he would wish to join us! I quickly rushed to the A&E department, explained to the staff that my partner was upstairs in the Maternity ward, and that a three hour wait in A&E would not be possible for us. They kindly rushed him through.

At that stage I thought that my two week Paternity leave would take a very stressful turn. How would we deal with a new born and a two year old with an injury. It was that stage I decided to inform my employers of our news, and start my paternity leave.

I am lucky that the company I currently work for offer two weeks fully paid paternity. This is a huge perk compared to my previous company, where I was only eligible to one week full pay and the second week statutory pay. This would have left me out of pocket and struggling to pay bills that month, so I took the one week full pay, and added a second week out of annual leave. I felt at the time that my time off felt extremely rushed. This time around, I had the knowledge that I would get two weeks full pay, which meant I wouldn’t need to worry come pay day. Additionally, I elected to take one week annual leave on top, resulting in three weeks away from the office.

My three weeks off seemed to go past in a tired whirlwind. I am so glad I took the extra week off.  I needed it! We had multiple hospital trips for my eldest, who we discovered after two xrays, had a fractured collar bone, and appointments for my partner who unfortunately suffered an infection which caused her much pain and distress. We also were unable to register our son’s birth until the end of the third week, which was frustrating. We wanted to ensure that we gave ourselves as much time together as a family of four as possible. With our first baby, we had visitors every day, and to be honest it was too much. This time we decided to have immediate family only, which worked for us.

Us Dads are an important function of keeping things together in the weeks following the birth of your baby, however are often forgotten about in the process. A dad will be on an emotional rollercoaster, and will always have other worries and thoughts in the back of his mind. However long you are off of work for on Paternity, it is crucial to make the most of that time you have, and not allow yourself to over think about certain things. Just enjoy the time with your newborn.

Here are my top tips to consider during paternity leave:

1) Avoid work

Leave your laptop at the office and turn off the work phone if you can. Obviously this isn’t always possible, and for those who are self employed, getting any paternity leave will be difficult. But consider that in the wider scheme of things, your baby will not be a baby forever. This precious early moments will never be there again. Your partner will need a huge amount of help, and you will need to be there both mentally and physically. Try to ensure before baby arrives, that you have handed over work where possible, and made alternative arrangements where you can. If you have to take a call, try to get an agreement in place both at home and at work, of a set time you can take a call, don’t let them contact you when they see fit. For those two weeks, let them fit in around you.

2) Accept Tiredness

You will be tired. It’s a fact. It is unavoidable, and it is easily the worst part of the early days of parenting. It will hit you like a sledgehammer, and will be worse than any tiredness you have known before. You will have tired arguments in the middle of the night, which you call each other all names under the sun, accept it as part and parcel of having a baby, and move on. Agree that anything you say at 4am is not really ‘You’, instead it is ‘TiredYou’. TiredYou is a dick, and your partners ‘TiredHer’ is also a dick. Leave the tired arguments in the dark of the night, and enjoy the daytime.

Also, don’t whine about being tired to other people. When my partners waters broke at 11pm, we were told to go to see the Maternity staff, I knew it would be a long night. By 3am we were back home. I had been awake for 20 hours at that point, and we were not in active labour. Three hours broken sleep later, contractions were coming and we were back on our way to hospital. That night, I took the first night feed duty, and probably got four hours broken sleep in all. 7 hours broken sleep in the first 48hours is a sign of what was to come. But if you are to bring this up to people, you are automatically going to be seen as the enemy, so keep it to yourself, and try to get cat naps in where you can!  Understand that if you mention being tired, there's a chance your partner may want to lash out at you. Female members of both families will no doubt give you some disapproving looks, and any other mothers you encounter will tell you that you do not know the meaning of tired! – You have been warned! 

3) Do night feeds

You are already tired, but night feeds are not necessarily as bad as they sound. For me, it was about timing. First off, I was able to watch Game of Thrones airing at 02:00, the same time as it premiered in the US. That way I didn’t have to worry about seeing spoilers the next day, and having to wait til 9pm to watch it was the rest of the UK. (That Dragon! Jeeeez!). Secondly, I was able to watch the McGregor/Mayweather fight as it happened. I was already awake, so made sense to watch it live! Again, probably not a good idea to tell your Mrs that you strategically chose the nights you would do night feeds, and purposely stayed awake to watch early morning television.  

But in all seriousness, I felt some of my closest moments with my newborn son, happened during those night feeds. When the rest of the world was sleeping in darkness, my baby and I really connected. I was able to be as corny as I wanted to, knowing that it was just the two of us. I would be the one to feed and soothe him, I would be the one to watch him fall back to sleep. Precious moments, which I will cherish forever.

4) Be proactive. Get shit done

Don’t be the dad who just sits plays his Xbox for two weeks, as tempting as that may be. Be the dad who does things in the home, that the mum wants to do, or wants him to do, before she has to ask you to do them. Be the Dad who does the housework, cleans the bathroom, does the laundry. Be the dad who is the king of the bottle steriliser, unleash your inner chef. Even if it sucks, and you end up ordering a Dominos, just be active and be the best Dad you can be. Yes you may see yourself as being ‘the help’, but get off of your ass and get visitors drinks and sandwiches etc. Get yourself in the good books, and then when you need a daytime ‘time out’ after a busy night watching box sets during a night feed, you may get one without a verbal ear bashing!

5) Book to register your baby ASAP 

In the UK, you have to register your baby with your local council offices. I tried to book an appointment the day after my son was born. They told me the next availability was not for three weeks. If you are unmarried, then both parents need to attend the registration. This means you will have probably returned to work by this time, should your area be as busy as mine. So, just as you are getting into the swing of things, you are asking your boss for more time off. This is a ball ache you can do without. So get the registration appointment booked asap. If you are married, then you can chill, as your wife can do it for both of you.

6) Say no to visitors

Controversial this one, especially if it is your first baby. But try to limit your guests to family and closest friends only in the early days. As soon as you announce to the world that your bundle of joy has finally made his/her appearance, you no doubt be inundated with people who wish to come for a cuddle with your new-born. My advice would be to be selective. Those two weeks you may be able to take off are so special. Spend it together. People you may not have heard from in months suddenly want to come bearing gifts to show you and your baby love, which is great, but try to schedule them for when you are settled in your new life and when you are in some form of routine. In my opinion, family is the most important thing in the world, and now you have a family of your own, you need to protect it. I do not mean in a Male Lion sense, but protect the time you have together. With our first, we had different people most days, and after the two weeks were up, it was suddenly just the three of us again, as everyone had already met our baby.

7) Take photos. Lots of photos

Precious moments need to be captured and cherished. Although my partner claims she looks terrible, I know she looks beautiful and radiant. Take pictures of her when she is unaware, of her being her natural self with the baby. Ask her to take pictures of you too. Take selfies of you both and your little one. Take pictures of those who come to visit.

Me and my Boys

Once I became a parent, it became very apparent to me what that made my parents. They had become Grandparents. As kids, my sister and I lost one of our Grandfather relatively early in our child hood. I have only a handful of photographs of us together, and no actual memories of him. With my dad having Prostate Cancer, I am aware that although he is in good health currently, that may not last forever, therefore any moments he has with my sons, I want to capture them. As heart-breaking as it is, one day those photos and videos will be all my sons have of their granddad, who loves them so so much. The same applies for any relatives and friends who come to see you all. Take pictures. Keep the memories. Your baby will no doubt ask to see them one day.

Also, are you even a dad if you do not get a photo taken of the baby asleep in your arms, whilst you are getting some shut eye yourself?

8) Go out! Within reason! 

Once you are settled and confident, go out into the world with your baby. It will do you all good to get out of the house together. With our first, we started easy, we went for a walk in the park with our little one, and another time decided to go for a bite to eat. Although I felt the most protective I had ever felt, it brought a sense of acceptance that we would be ok at parenting. We probably had a false sense of security second time round, as we went to a shopping mall on day two. Half way round, my partner couldn’t go any further. So my advice is to take it easy, and keep the car closeby!

9)  Have a 'Daddy day'

Even with classes you may have attended and the books you may have read before baby comes along, until you do something just yourself and your baby, you will always depend on your partner a little. Be brave, take the plunge. Book a treat for your partner, a massage, a spa day, hair dressers etc, and have the baby for yourself. It will be down to you to do all the things that your partner will have do day in and day out when you return to work. This will help you see things from her side, when in a few weeks you return from work to see her still in her pyjamas, unwashed, the house turned upside down, and a tearful look in her eye!!

10)  Enjoy it!

Your new born may be a bottle guzzling, burping, sleeping and pooing machine, but hindsight will eventually tell you that it is a time where the hardest thing to deal with is the tiredness. If you can beat that, you have time to really enjoy learning how to become a parent.

The next months will continue to be a rollercoaster. Just enjoy the ride. Before too long your baby will no longer be a newborn, and the next chapter will begin. Cherish your partner, tell her every day how amazing she is, and always tell both your partner and your baby how much you love them.

If you are in this situation, I wish you and your baby nothing but success, with lots of health, happiness, love and laughter. Best wishes to you and your family.

The Boy who United Football...

All around the world, footballers are loved and adored by people of all ages. They are idolised, admired and hero worshipped. Their names are printed on the back of replica kits, so that young boys and girls can imitate their heroes.

In an age, where the top players can earn millions of pounds for simply kicking a ball around, they also take on a responsibility for those that love them. One such player who took his responsibility as a role model to another level, was Jermain Defoe. At the match between Sunderland and Everton the Premier League, a young boy named Bradley Lowery met his hero – the star striker Defoe. That moment, Defoe went further than most footballers meeting mascots. The footballer and the young fan made a friendship which united football fans and people in general, with the love which was clearly apparent between the pair.  

Bradley had been fighting a battle with a form of cancer named Neuroblastoma since he was 18months old. Having beaten the disease once, he was in remission for a number of years before it returned in 2016. His family battled and campaigned to raise vital funds to send him to the US for life saving treatment, but they were given the heart-breaking news that his illness was terminal. So the family vowed to continue to fundraise, and make a foundation in Bradley’s name, to help with the fight for other families affected. Part of the fundraising campaign included Bradley becoming a match day mascot at his beloved Sunderland football club, where he would meet his favourite player Jermain Defoe.

Bradley led the team out on multiple occasions, always holding Defoe’s hand. At times when he was clearly feeling weak, Defoe would carry the little boy in his arms. In the match against Chelsea, he was photographed with the team, and scored a goal which won the ‘Goal of the Month’ competition on the iconic show ‘Match of The Day’. Sunderland players visited Bradley in hospital, with one instance the little boy falling asleep cuddling his hero in bed. Other football clubs and fans offered their support, with Everton donating £200k to the fund to fight for his life, and he was a mascot for them in their match against Manchester City, wearing a Sunderland shirt with ‘Thank You Everton’ on the back.

Coinciding with Defoe’s recall to the England national side, the Football Association invited Bradley be a mascot for the national side. Captain Joe Hart stepped aside and invited Defoe and Bradley to lead the team out at Wembley Stadium. During this time, some beautifully poignant photographs were taken, of Bradley shielding his ears from the noise of the 90,000 crowd singing the national anthem, and turning to hug Defoe. Defoe states that this was a huge honour, and something which was truly special for him in his football career.

After the news broke that Bradley wouldn’t be able to win this fight, Defoe attended his birthday party, and continued to give love and support to the boy and his family, and continued his hospital visits.  

As a father, the story continues to choke me up. To see the love that was genuinely shared between the two is humbling. The way that Bradley looked at Jermain; it was a form of escapism for him. I wonder if Defoe will ever truly know the effect that his love, time, generosity and friendship had on Bradley and his family. Bradley pulled on the heartstrings of the nation. His smile was infectious, and the photos and videos that appeared of him in the football environment, showed a boy who for those moments forgot his was deeply ill. He was able to be the star for a short time, removed from the days spent in hospital. Defoe often said he felt the matches were more special knowing Bradley was in attendance. I am sure for Bradleys family, any time Jermain was able to give to Bradley, was every so more special seeing their little boy's eyes light up once again. Any parent would do anything to take away the pain, and for those moments, I am sure Defoe was able to do that for them, and help their son. It truly brings tears to your eyes to listen to the way Defoe spoke about the friendship. It was real. It wasn't because the PR team at the club told him to do so. It was raw love, raw emotion, raw human instinct in wanting to love and help someone.

Bradley sadly died on July 7^th, surrounded by his loving family. Social media accounts of footballers and football clubs offered their condolences and best wishes to the family. After Bradley passed away, Defoe tweeted: “Goodbye my friend, gonna miss you lots. I feel so blessed God brought you into my life and had some amazing moments with you and for that I'm so grateful.  I'll never ever forget the way you looked at me for the first time, the genuine love in those cute eyes. Really finding it hard to express what you mean to me.”

Thousands of mourners lined the route to his funeral, where attendees including Defoe, wore football shirts, with his name on the back, with a message on social media that Football Had No Colours, meaning the football world would come together to remember this brave little boy. His favourite superheroes were in attendance, and balloons were released to the sky.

Although there are hundreds and thousands of gravely ill children around the country who do not get the level of attention that Bradley received, Bradley was able to raise awareness for many of them. His legacy will inspire many people and his foundation has raised hundreds of thousands of pounds, which will go into helping those families. Events are being hosted in his honour, including a celebrity football match at Everton’s Goodison Park ground. Additionally Sunderland donated a corporate box for each match to a family who are going through these struggles, so that the ill child can have this great experience.

To make a contribution visit www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/bradleylowerysfight

In a time where astronomical figures are being spent for footballers, with their earnings and responsibilities in the spotlight, when compared with more everyday life hero's such as those in the Emergency services, it is great to see the human side of the sport. 

Such love, such compassion, such emotion, such support.

RIP Bradley. 

You touched the nation with your strength and your smile. You united football fans throughout the country. My thoughts and deepest sympathies are with your family, friends and your 'best mate' Jermain Defoe, the hero who showed us his human side.

A Stream of Consciousness..

As I sit down to allow a brief stream of consciousness to leave my fingertips into my computer, there is a lot that I feel I need to, and can write about at the moment. For quite a while I have struggled with what to write about with this blog. The blog itself has served as my release of emotions when I have needed it to. Although I have dear friends, I do not necessarily have a large network of people around me of whom I can confide in about certain sort of things. Only recently have I found a few people in the workplace who have shown a considerable caring nature towards my happiness, and who have encouraged me to get things off of my chest.

However despite this, I have still avoided writing this post if I am honest.

It is hard to describe to people the emotions I have been feeling in the past ten days or so. Never in my life have I felt so unsure and unsettled, compared to these preceding days.

There have been four huge things which are ongoing which are, and will be, major events in my life.

Then there has been one event which has served as a trigger to my negative mind state. All five together at the same time, and the result is that my head is a little all over the place. So I think it is important that I address them in order to allow myself to fully understand what is going on.

The reasons for this rollercoaster of emotions have been multifaceted. Each of the subjects which are grabbing the focus of my attention are completely personal, relating to my family, and the fear of not being there for them. Old feelings and concerns have been raised, and a sense of trying to manage the grief that others are feeling is overwhelming. 

These feelings have been bouncing around inside my head, crashing against one another, with some dominating the other at times, but with all playing on my mind simultaneously. It feels like a combustible mix that I need to address.

Outwardly I have trying to keep it together, putting on a brave face at times in order to portray an appearance that I am being strong for those around me. However, privately I have needed to get my views out to avoid waves upon waves of downheartedness and negativity consuming me. It is getting harder and harder to shrug off the sadness.

I am planning on addressing each of the five things in my blog in varying degrees.

The first thing was health scare. I have been struggling with and complaining about headaches for a good few months. These headaches were unlike migraines, and were only affecting two specific parts of my head. I had been taking paracetamol to manage these, but concerned at how regular they were occurring. Then over the last few weeks I noticed I was losing the ability to recall certain words in specific situations. Something a mundane as cutting the lawn and I would forget the word for lawnmower for example.  Around the same time I noticed I would drop things quite easily, which was out of character for me. The door keys, my phone, and other everyday objects would slip out of my grasp without me noticing. Then the final incident was a fortnight ago, when I was walking to the train station in the morning, when all of a sudden I was on wet muddy pavement, having fallen over for no apparent reason. This concerned my partner and I, and I googled what the symptoms could be. I know you shouldn’t ever do that. But I am glad I did. I then saw a GP immediately and was referred to a Neurologist who sent me for immediate tests and booked an MRI. The next day I spent 30mins in a MRI machine, listening to Linkin Park’s greatest hits in an attempt to drown out the noise. The results were back that evening, and I was given the all clear in regards to any tumours or things in my brain which shouldn’t be there. This was a relief to say the least. Further examinations will be required, but at least the big scary thing has been ruled out.

Two of the things which I feel I need to talk about are linked and will need to be addressed carefully out of respect for the people involved and the ongoing situation. It is to do with the death of someone in my extended family and the effect of their loss on a specific loved one in particular. The story is a heart-breaking one to tell, and still feels raw and surreal. The incident only happened seven days ago, and not all of the facts have emerged. Some reports are vague, others misleading and there are final parts of the event still to happen. But there are still actions that are needed from me and my family to keep things together for others. I will need to give more thought into that post, than opposed to my usual writing style.

One is a thing I am super excited about, but still completely scared of once again.

The final one will deal with another unexpected loss. However this time to someone I have never met, but whose influence had a huge impact. The way in which this individual died has triggered feelings in me which have caused me to reflect and be saddened by.

Once again, I hope that by writing these blogs, I can feel a sense of release. I feel annoyed at myself for only having this outlet. But it has helped in the past, hopefully it helps again.

Back Where My Story Began...

At the weekend, I celebrated my 34^th birthday. I had a number of the boys from my core friendship group, their partners and kids round to our new home for a BBQ in the back garden. My son was delighted to have a host of new playmates to keep him occupied running in and out of the paddling pool, up and down the slide, and in and out of the play room. My partner and I were more than happy to play host. It was a great day and amazing to catch up with the group. Since becoming a father, finding the time and money to have a get together with the boys has been harder to do. My priorities have changed somewhat. When you live on a budget each month, justifying a drinking session with the boys when bills need to be paid becomes problematic. It seems like I only get to see them for big occasions. But I guess that is life now. You do not need to see people every weekend for them to still be in your life.

For the most part, these guys have been in my life for a good ten years or more, some even longer. Our group has evolved in that time, with the main core having gone to school together, and others like me being friends with people within the group and joining the group along the way. We have seen break ups, new partners, weddings, babies, house moves, relocations abroad and many nights out.

But as I turn the grand old age of 34, I am back living in my parents’ house where I grew up, the house which most of my memories are from. The house, where we as a family have celebrated and mourned, where I have loved and lost. The house where I sat with my Grandmother during her final weeks, watching the fox cubs play in the garden. The dining room where I would listen to my Granddad sing aloud, as he listened to the Rat Pack whilst having a beer after his Christmas dinner. The kitchen with the fridge I would raid, as soon as my Mum had filled it with the weekly shop. The house where my Dad would give me piggy backs up the stairs as a kid. The house with the small box bedroom, where I would spend hours questioning everything, developing my own views and ideas about what I would do with my life.

I am back where my story began. Back home.

I am extremely grateful to now raising my own family there. My young son at two years old, exploring the world around him, chasing the squirrels and pigeons from the garden, my amazing partner who is always there for us, growing our unborn second baby, who will be ready to make their grand entrance in August. My parents, having relocated to a quieter life a few hours outside of London, have been amazing to give me a chance to save some money so that we can one day afford our ‘Forever Home’. We currently, as a family have the chance to make our own memories. I hope that my birthday BBQ in my back garden is the first of many great ones in my old house.

With moving back to where I was raised, I have been thinking more about old friends and the good times. We were a good bunch of boys united by our love of football and as we got older, beer, parties and girls. It is easy to reflect and remember stories about our childhood and teenage years.

I had many birthday parties in that same back garden. The best of which has to be in the summer of 1999, for my 16^th Birthday. It came at the end of a week where our group had been sitting our GCSE exams, and only a few weeks after a local car crash which had resulted in the loss of five young lives, including a really popular boy from the year above. There were easily over 50 teenagers in that garden, with a DJ, loud music and lots of drinking, dancing and laughing. We were enjoying being young. That night we really did party like it was 1999! Our neighbours can’t have approved, as the police were called and we were told to turn the volume down. I was lucky to have various friendship groups in attendance that night. Friends from Primary school, from Secondary school, from the local area, all came together to have a great time. A night that will live with me forever.

My oldest friends were from Primary school. All local to one area, the majority of our Fathers knew each other. We were allowed to drink in the local pub from the age of 15, as the owners placed the responsibilities of our actions to our Dads. The day we collected our GCSE results, we were in the Crossways pub, in South East London, comparing our results. By the day I was able to buy my first legal pint of lager, I had been a regular in the pub for around three years. That can be said for all of us in that group which had evolved from the local Primary school. Every Thursday for Karaoke without fail. By the end, the youngsters had taken over the pub on a Thursday, as it was so busy with under age drinkers!

As I have said in a previous blog post, I have time for anyone who has time for me. Years may pass, but the memories, love and respect will always be there. The group from my earliest memories will always be linked to my first home, and have played a huge part in my life. Over the years, I have lost regular contact with many of those boys. However, the bond is always there and in my opinion always will be. I had a great lunch catch up with one of my best friends from Primary school days today. We laughed as remembered various stories, and how we discussed the people we once knew around that time. For the most part, everyone in that group has found a form of happiness and relative success. It is good to know we have done well. Those days in the Crossways Pub must have served us well.

#KeepTheBan

As a young boy, I had a real passion for wildlife. Big cats were my real first love, with Lions and Tigers being joint my favourites. Any shopping trip usually resulted in me convincing my parents to buy me a new National Geographic wildlife video, which I would watch repeatedly from the moment we got home. They would usually be videos about carnivores such all big cats, bears, wolves, hyenas, or great African animals like elephants, rhinos, and hippos.  

I still remember the first time they took me to a zoo, where I witness the big cats close up. The excitement was intense and the thrill of only being a short distance away from a Tiger was electric. The closest I had been to a wild animal previous to this trip was when my cousin and I discovered a hedgehog on his lawn earlier that summer.

I am often reminded when I discuss current work issues with my parents, that after that trip to London zoo as a 5year old boy, I told my parents that when I grew up, I wanted to either be a zoo keeper in London, or move to Kenya and become a safari park warden. I am sure the five year old me, would have words with the thirty three year old me for my career choices

.

One animal that I didn’t need to go to the zoo to see was the Fox.

I could keep a careful eye into my back garden and have the chance to see them, and that delighted me. On my list of favourite animals as a kid, they were easily number three. I loved them. And still do to this day. (They are number one now!).

Foxes intrigued me more than any other animal. Why did they live in my garden under the shed? How did they get food? Could I feed them? Why did they have a tail like that? Why do they make such odd noises? Did they open everyone’s rubbish bags on purpose? Why does my daddy dislike them? Can I go inside their den?

To say I drove my mum crazy with my fascination was to say the least. I would write stories where the fox would be the main character, I would draw pictures for all of my relatives of the garden foxes, and when I was seven on a family holiday to Cyprus – I was shocked to see I could purchase a fox tail key ring. I had to have it. As an adult now, I find that hard to stomach. But as a young boy, I really wanted that key ring with the full size, soft bushy tail. My parents too had an initial problem with it. They refused to buy it. Instead they used it to bribe me to learn to swim. Seeing as I was heavily reliant on floatation bands, it didn’t seem possible that I would do it. But the agreement was that if I could swim unaided by the end of the holiday, they would give in and buy it for me. Needless to say, I learnt to swim pretty fast.

It certainly didn’t appear to me as young boy, that the fox would have been killed to produce that keychain. I think my attitude would have certainly been different had I have known the truth. I hated poachers more than anything, after those hours of watching the National Geographic videos, so to think that my fox tail was from an animal that had been killed for fur, turns my stomach somewhat looking back. But I was young and no doubt didn’t even question it.

After that holiday, I was even madder for Foxes. One evening I was awoken by the screaming barks of a fight between two rival groups of foxes which occurred in the street outside my window. It woke my mum too and she sat with me at 3am watching what was unfolding below us. The following day I told everyone about what I had witnessed. Seven or more foxes right outside my windows under the streetlights.

Every car journey my parents would get me to be on fox watch, looking out for them as we drove by. Once home, I would ask my parents for a torch, and shine into the garden hoping to catch a glimpse. That winter we had thick snow, and I saw a plump vixen sitting upright in the snow, looking in my direction. I remember thinking it should have been a picture for a Christmas card, such was the wintery scene. 

I would watch (along with my National Geographic videos) Disney’s The Fox and The Hound endlessly, and I loved it. However I didn’t really know what it was about. I couldn’t see why Copper and Todd couldn’t be friends. The Hound part of the film was not yet registering in my thinking.

My love for foxes was cemented in the summer of 1997, when my grandmother was living with us. She had been ill for a long time, and I would spend my afternoons after school sitting with her in her room at the back of our house, looking out onto the garden. That summer, our garden foxes had a number of cubs. My grandmother and I would sit and watch, as they played in the late afternoon/early evening sunshine. Watching those cubs was her escape from her pain. As we enjoyed it so much, one day my mum brought home dog food and a bowl for me to be able to feed the cubs. 

Each night I would try to lure the family closer to the window to be able to give my grandmother and me a closer sight of their playful nature. At the time, I took what was happening for granted. I was unaware that those fun moments watching the cubs, would become memories that would stay with me forever. 

Sadly my grandmother quickly deteriorated and passed away mid summer. Those cubs gave me and my grandmother moments that only we shared. It was special and always will be. Every spring/summer I look out for cubs in my parent’s garden, and if I see any, I like to think my grandmother is watching them with me.

I think I took a lot of her views as I grew up. She loved all animals and hated the mistreatment and neglect that occurs. She regularly supported animal shelters and a Donkey sanctuary, something my cousins still do in her name to this day. My mother too was very sensitive towards animal cruelty. One of the reasons we didn’t get a dog when my sister and I were children, was due to the hours when nobody was in the house, and my mum not wanting the dog to be lonely.

As I grew up, I realised that the Hound was out to kill the fox in the Disney film. But why did that annoy me? All I knew was that posh people who lived in the country side went on fox hunts, wearing their red outfits, riding beautiful horses and a huge number of hounds in tow. 
I hadn’t actually met a posh person at that time in my life. The country side wasn’t a place on my doorstep and a fox hunt was something from another world that only rich people could do. 

I didn’t know why the posh people did it, and but I knew I didn’t like it. Just because it was something that the elite had done for hundreds of years and called it sport, and in my opinion it didn’t make it right.  I think like the poachers killing animals for skins and horns throughout the world, it upset me because the animal couldn’t fight back. It wasn’t fair. My foxtail keepsake from my first overseas holiday was soon removed from my memory box and thrown away. Sport was football, sport was tennis, and sport was the Olympics. Killing something so you can feel the ‘rush’ during the chase was not sport in my views.

In 2004 the government passed The Hunting Act, making it illegal to hunt wild mammals with dogs. However, it is again in the minds of the public, as there have been talks on whether to repeal this act. A huge 83% of the population stated in December 15, that they should not make hunting legal again. (source Ipsos Mori). It is reassuring to know 8/10 Brits are anti-hunting. In my opinion it is barbaric, out of date, and deserves no place in modern society. It is nothing more than animal cruelty and needs to stop.

Yet, despite the high score in the research for people being anti-hunting, the fox is still a divisive animal in inner cities as it is in the country side.  As I stated earlier, my dad can’t stand them, whereas I love them. He hates the noise, he hates the litter they spread, and more than all he hates when they mess on his lawn.

Hunt Groups can partake in mock hunts, which should not involved any killing, but despite the hunting ban, real hunts still occur up and down the country, without regard for the countryside, the wildlife or the landscape. Horses trample over ground and property, and this weekend saw a video go viral of a large pack of hounds attacking and ripping into a defenceless fox on someone’s private property - a drive way.

Brave groups of hunt saboteurs try to prevent the illegal hunts, and many are attacked for doing so. Only recently a video of a sab being attacked was shared on social media. It is simply unacceptable for these people who believe they are above the law to go on this way.

My opinion is simple. If you are reading this and you are pro fox hunting. Pro any type of hunting for sport, then you are scum. If you are taking part in a fox hunt, then may you fall from your saddle and you break many bones. I do not share anything in common with someone who would want to kill something for fun. There are many videos online of hunts up and down the country, shared by sabs and those who do what they can to rescue foxes. To me, the notion that hunts provide pest control is easy to dismiss, especially when ‘fox farms’ have been found, with the pure rationale to keep foxes to then be hunted by the pack. Videos of fox cubs being thrown to hounds to be ripped apart are hard to ignore and stomach churning to those who have any affinity with wildlife.

The fox to me is a link to my Grandmother. Whenever I see one, it reminds me of her. Seeing a fox is also something I love about being in London. Most nights you are likely to see or hear a fox. It is like there is a secret world unfolding outside your windows, where the fox owns the night. 

My grandmother would have loved the organisation www.facebook.com/The-Fox-Project if she had been around today. A group of people who go out of their way to help and rehabilitate injured or orphaned foxes. Please check them out and show your support if you can. With cub season on the horizon they need all the help they can.

The social media hashtag #KeepTheBan is used by all the people who are against hunting with animals. There are some great organisations doing amazing work to fight for Foxes and other wildlife. One of these groups that I follow is:

www.facebook.com/KeepTheFoxHuntBan

If you are interested in finding out more about those opposed to fox hunting and maybe taking part, there are two useful links below.

https://www.league.org.uk/fox-hunting

http://www.huntsabs.org.uk/

Another great group for Fox lovers on facebook is Foxy Fans United - the closed group encourages it's members to share their love of the animal, and to come together in discussing fox experiences and interactions. There are lots of great photographs and videos, which my Grandmother would have loved without doubt.

To conclude I will again tell you about the foxes in my parent's garden. Although they do not know it, they have became a firm favourite with my friends and followers on social media. As my garden foxes were the inspiration for my own hashtag #FindFoxy.

#FindFoxy is a “Where’s Wally (Waldo in the US)” for urban foxes. One day, when smoking on my back step, I looked at the garden shed and along the rooftop up popped two ears and a handsome face of an adult fox. I took a few steps forward and again the fox popped its head up to see what I was doing. I took my camera phone out of my pocket and took a picture of the fox on the shed. Now, whenever I see a fox, I try to wait til he is almost hiding, and try to take a picture of him, where it is not overly visible. Why not see if you can capture a fox in a “Where’s Wally” moment, and share on Instagram or twitter with the hashtag #findfoxy. Here are two examples - See if you can spot him?

#KeepTheBan

#FindFoxy

The Disconnect Between Action and Consequence..

Every day, unknowingly, our actions affect other people. Mostly they are unintentional, mundane actions, but the action of the individual, more than often, has an impact on someone else.

There are certain types of people in the world who I encounter on a daily basis, who drive me slightly crazy with their actions. They probably get on your nerves too. From the unwitting tourist in London, who doesn’t know which side of the escalator to stand on and makes everyone stop in their tracks, and the charity volunteer with a clipboard trying to get us to sign up to something. How about the nuisance cold sales calls we didn't ask for? Not forgetting the people who walk along the train platform with their smart phone in their hand getting in everyone’s way and slowing everyone down. Or the person who knocks into you at the bar, spilling your drink and not apologising? These actions affect us and can easily blow up out of all proportion if someone involved is a certain type of person.

But much worse than those people you encounter with unintentional actions, are the people who think they are above everyone around them, and the laws of the land. These people do not give a shit about their actions. They are the ones that make my blood boil. We have all encountered these people in our lives. And in my opinion, there seems to be a plague of these types of people in our society. The type of people who do not think twice about breaking the law, attacking people, committing crime, sexually assaulting someone, just because they think they can get away with it.

Last weekend, a young man, Oliver Dearlove, was killed in Blackheath, London,  as he waited for a taxi with friends after a night out. 

He was killed after being punched just once, by a man who quickly exited the scene. A man who thought he could punch someone and get away with it. However instead of just assaulting someone, the attacker killed him.

Police in Blackheath after the attack

In my opinion, the attacker is synonymous with an alpha male type of knuckle dragger mentality. A culture within a generation of men not really giving a f**k about the consequences of their individual actions. The type of person who is desperate to be feared, and respected amongst his peers. The type of person who swaggers around with bravado and an attitude of not giving a shit. The sense in his life that he is untouchable. I cant stand these types of people.

 

For whatever reason, the attacker found it acceptable to punch the victim, not caring for the implications that single punch would have. Sure, his argument in court will be that he didn’t mean to kill the victim. But he still thought that he could punch an innocent person and get away with it. 

 

Earlier today, a 31year old man was charged with murder. The accused pleaded 'Not Guilty' to the charge, on the basis that he did not intend to kill or cause serious injury to the victim. It makes you wonder how many other people has he attacked over the years, who haven’t ended up losing their life? We just don’t know. What we do know, is that the accused’s brother is serving life in prison for brutally murdering someone over ten years ago. It indicates to me, that if guilty, the accused comes from a background where violence is common, and there is no fear for the consequence of your actions.

What drove the attacker to do this is unclear, but there was a clear disconnect about his action, the consequences, and the implication that could have on so many people. Part of the problem in my view, is just how slack our judicial service is. There is no real deterrent for crimes in this country, as the courts are simply too soft. We offer ridiculously small jail sentences for awful acts of crime or violence. In my opinion prison is supposed to be hard time. It should be a hell on earth. It should be there to scare people into not wanting to commit crimes and violence. Also in my opinion, a life sentence should be mandatory for anyone who kills another in an act of violence. Even if the attackers intent wasn’t to kill, he did just that. Kill. Therefore life imprisonment is what the verdict should be if found guilty.

Assaults and fights are far too common in our society. Go to any town or city in the UK and there will be something for emergency services to handle. A fight could easily lead to far worse than intended, which makes you question, is it actually worth it?

The implications of the attack were not on the attackers mind at the time, and who knows why he decided to attack Mr Dearlove’s group that night? But the attack would have huge implications. And not only on the victim, but his family, his friends, his colleagues, the emergency services, medical staff and passers- by who tried to save him, and other people in the local community left completely horrified by the nature of the attack. 

The outpouring of emotion and heartbreak has spread far and wide in the local community, with the shock of what has happened to someone who was known and loved by so many people. He was in a good career, with a loving partner who he was planning his future with. He had a large loving family and had recently become an uncle twice to two baby boys.  He was living his life the right way. And now he is no longer with us. His parents have lost their son, siblings lost their brother, partner lost her boyfriend and nephews and nieces have lost their uncle and so on... All because, one man, decided to punch another man in a senseless, needless and tragic attack.

I was heartbroken when I realised who the victim was, the step brother of an old friend of mine. I cant begin to imagine what he and his family are going through. To everyone who knew and loved Oliver Dearlove, my deepest condolences and thoughts are with you. I can only hope that you can be there for one another and get through the tough times ahead.

I sincerely hope that there will be justice for this attack.

RIP Oliver Dearlove - gone far too soon.