Welcome! I am a 40something year old, married, father of three boys, My blog is called The Focus Of My Attention. I will write about the things that are on my mind...The things that draw my attention. Things that matter to me. Subjective, Objective or Observational..
So…It’s
been a while. It isn’t that I ran out
of things to say, topics to write about, or events that have happened. I just
kinda ran out of room in the day to get them down in written form. I guess I fell out of love of blogging.
So, what’s
new with me in the time since I’ve rarely posted? I’m now a happily married
man, a father of three little boys, a owner of a family home with a garden in an
area that I had always aspired to live in, working in a role where I feel
valued and respected at a truly global giant of broadcasting.
We have pretty
much completed Netflix, I’m back into playing my favourite football management
game from my youth, and life has been good.
I have been happy with the
cards that life has dealt me.
But what’s
new in the world? Well that’s a whole other blog post.
For
fourteen months life has been different than its ever been before. But in our family
of five, it has been so much better than could have been expected. Spending
time at home has brought us closer as a family, I have spent more time with my
kids than I would have ever expected, and for that I will always be grateful.
My favourite parts of my day are walking my eldest two boys to school and
watching them run down the path when they come home.
I’m working from home full
time, so I am around for mealtimes, bath times and bedtimes. Something my own
father has spoken about being sad that he missed so often in his own career. I am missing interacting with other adults, but do not miss the commute or the type of people you encounter daily in a big city.
We have
been lucky, no one that we love has been affected by COVID, and we are eternally
thankful for that. But lockdown has brought about change in many relationships
which were previously granite, which we will always be truly saddened for.
Personally,
and as what tends to happy when we welcome a baby to the world, I put on
weight. So since New Year’s Day, I have been determined to eat healthier, eat
less, and move more. I have been running three times a week and was breaking
PBs every time I ran. That was until I got too confident and ran a half
marathon without really training for it. Yes, I’m glad I ticked it off of the
bucket list, but gutted as I caused myself a hip injury, which now means I need
to focus on recovery for 4-6 weeks opposed to running. That’s coincided with eating
crap again, so the cycle continues. I have made a running account on insta and
have enjoyed being part of the running community @notbadforafatdad
Fatherhood
is easily the best part of my life, and the best job I’ve ever had. My boys are
my world, and my eldest is now 6. He is in love with football which is pleasing
me no end. Its just hard trying to convince him to support the same team that I
do, when we have been so poor this year. Luckily, we have an International tournament
this summer for him to obsess over.
I aim to
get writing more often, so will endeavour to not leave it so long next time.
Roll on summer!
To the person reading this, thank you. I hope you are well, healthy, and that you and your loved ones have got through this awful last year or so. Hopefully we can see the light at the end of long dark tunnel.
Life. Its a funny old game. It flies by in the blink of an eye, and before you know it, years and years have passed, and you are left wondering what the fuck happened and where has the time gone.
Since we became a family of four, my life feels like it has been on fast forward constantly. My week consists of early rises with the kids, the daily commute, hours at the office, commute home to dinnertime, bathtime and bedtime with the kids, quick tidy up, finally sit down for an hour, then off to bed. And repeat.
Before you know it, every day can easily become ground hog day.
To counteract that, I have signed up to run the London 10k as a way to combat two
things within my life that I wasn’t happy with - my mental and my physical
health.
My weight has always been up and down, but since becoming a
father for the second time in August 2017, I let my health and lifestyle slip
away from me. This culminated in weighing in far heavier than I should have
ever been, and finally admitting to myself that things needed to change. I
often felt low, and often overly anxious. I would end up eating far too much due
to feeling a like shit, and then would feel like shit because I was eating far
too much. It was a negative cycle which
I couldn’t get out of.
The weight, along with accommodation and financial worries
really got to me, and made me think I was failing at being the best father and
partner I could be. Everyone has pressures in life, and I just needed to deal with mine better. The littlest thing could set me off on a downward spiral down, and my mind took
me deeper down, and this is something which people notice in me, something which I am not the best at hiding.
Feeling down became far too regular and was rapidly becoming
my new normal. It got to the stage where I used the CALM webchat, as I was
feeling pretty worthless. I soon realized that only I could change the outlook
in my life.
My kids deserve a Daddy who is positive and happy. If things were going to change, I need to be
the one to spark that change.
As previously mentioned in my blog, I looked up and read up on who CALM were and what they
do after hearing an advert on a podcast. There message resonated big time. I was a fan of the rapper Professor Green, and learned of his
involvement with the charity after viewing his BBC3 documentary - Suicide and Me, decided to
write my own story. Forever in Our Hearts was the subsequent post, where I was
able to finally get some emotions out, in regards to my Uncle Charlie’s suicide
when I was just 10years old.
Now approaching my 36th birthday, I am only 5years
younger than he was when he died. I now feel at an age to understand some of
the anxieties, pressures, decisions, heartbreak, and despair that he must have
felt.
I needed to change. I still need to change. I won’t let
history repeat itself.
I needed a goal to work towards, a target to have, and
something to aim for. Years ago, I had run 10k and raised money in aid of the daughter of an old friend, so I looked for a race to run, with an achievable goal. So
in March this year, I signed up for the run, and decided to run for CALM, and be part of the team which will make London orange on July 21st.
Since starting my training in March, I have lost over three
and half stone (22kgs+). The CALM runners vest is still a bit snug, but I have a few
weeks left to get into it! I cant wait to be one of over 350 people running the streets of London for such a great cause.
During the run, I will think, and I will remember.
I will think of those
84 men who took their lives that week, and every week in the UK. 12 per day.
I
will think of the 84 families affected. The 84 versions of the ten year old me,
who lost their playmate, and who for the next 25years will think about that person every
day. I will remember those men who took the decision to
If you are feeling down, scared of yourself, scared of your
thoughts or fucking down in the dumps. Talk. Talk to anyone. You haven’t got to
know them, you just need to get it out. Cry. If you need to, fucking cry.
Fucking scream if you have to. Don’t let things build to the point where you
only see one option for your life.
If you’re not happy with your health/weight like me, getting
started is the hardest bit. Getting to the gym or going for that first jog
around the block is mentally the hardest part. There’s always that voice in
your head saying “not tonight, go tomorrow instead”. But once you have been,
and you have accomplished something, that same voice says “F**king well done
mate, now let’s go again tomorrow”.
For me, it’s important to remember why I am putting the
effort in. I want to raise money for a charity which means a lot to me. I want
there to be significant change in the way that we as men deal with our
emotions. I want there to be resources available for people who are struggling.
I want to use my uncle’s memory to push me closer to the 10k finish post.
Most importantly, I want my sons to be able to see Daddy
achieve something.
Fundraising has been limited to friends and family, on
social media, and colleagues in the workplace, with every penny raised being
extremely appreciated.
I find that as the social media generation, we are all
becoming somewhat immune to actually engaging with these posts on our
timelines, as there are so many people raising money for all sorts of
outstanding organisations. To counter act this and stand out from the crowd, I
have decided to be far more open about the reason I am running for CALM,
sharing my story with my social circles. I hope that by being open, and not
being ashamed by the reasons for running, it may encourage people to donate,
but more importantly, to raise awareness for CALM. It may just save someone’s
life.
Since my diet and training started a few months back, I have
enjoyed seeing the physical change in my appearance. I feel good in my clothes
again. My kids have commented that Daddy’s tummy isn’t as big anymore. It is
nice to see that my hard work is being noticed by those around me.
I attended the recent CALM Runners Run&Pub session in
Regents Park, which I was initially very apprehensive about. I am not a great
runner, my aim is simply to finish on the big day, but when I arrived I found a
group of people just like me. No competition, just encouragement and support of
what we are trying to do as a collective. I learnt things that I have taken on
board and implemented in subsequent training sessions, and look forward to
hopefully bumping into the rest of the group on race day, when we are all
proudly wearing that orange vest, being cheered on by the CALM volunteers.
When I first started this blog, I didn't share any of my posts with my Facebook page. I guess I was apprehensive about how that story would be perceived by those on my social media page. But in the subsequent years since, the stigma around suicide and mental health really does seem to have changed, and a large amount of credit for that has to go to CALM. Their campaigns have seen a huge response, especially Project 84 from last year which was followed by the male suicide story line form Coronation Street, which enabled CALMs messaged to go out to a huge number of people. The amount of people searching for CALM or using one of their immediate help lines went up by over 30%.
I will share this post with my own social media page. I hope that my honesty and openness will encourage people to donate, and to more importantly look into this crucially important subject. Suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 45.
Among those 350+ members of Team CALM at the London 10k, there will 350+ reasons to run. and 350+ stories. I look foward to meeting more of the team, and wish "Good
luck" to everyone taking part.
